The Marauders - Colours Within
by Alex Hales
Summary: The Marauders' sixth year at Hogwarts. Voldemort is rising to power. Sirius decides to do what he can to stop him, while Remus is struggling with the harsh reality of being a werewolf. James tries to do whatever he can to help his friends, and it seems like this is the year when Lily finally has stopped hating him.
1. Along the Tracks (Remus)

**1\. Along the Tracks (Remus)**

Dim sunlight was shining through the enormous, weathered skylight. Heavy smoke rose from the scarlet steam engine and filled the air with a faint smell of burned coal. The platform was filled with students and parents. Everyone was loudly chatting, carrying their trunks and pets. Some people had already boarded the train, but many were still saying goodbye to their loved ones.

"Do you have everything?"

Remus turned away from the Hogwarts Express and answered his mother Hope with a quick nod. She smiled and pulled him in for a long hug.

"Have a great year," she said tenderly. "We'll write soon."

In eight days, to be precise. But none of them wanted to point that out.

Remus still gave her a thankful smile when they let go of each other. Their letters _were_ comforting, even thought the circumstances were not.

Remus' father, Lyall, reached out his arms and embraced his son, before kissing him on the forehead.

"Don't overwork yourself," he repeated, for what felt like the hundredth time that summer. "Do as much as you can - it's not the end of the world if you don't get top grades."

Remus nodded again. He knew Lyall's goal was to unburden him as much as possible, and it _would_ be nice if he didn't have to be stressed out all year. But if Remus wanted a bright future he would need to work for it, no matter how unfair the odds were.

"Goodbye. We'll see each other in December," mumbled Lyall.

"Yeah." Remus smiled. He looked forward to the school year but would miss his parents as usual.

Remus clutched the handle of his trunk and lifted it from the ground. Only after Hope had managed to give him a kiss as well was he able to make his way through the thinning crowd.

The train was packed with students on the lookout for a compartment. Remus walked as fast as he could through the carriage in search of his friends, and soon spotted Sirius through the glass in the door of an otherwise empty compartment. Remus opened the door and made his way inside.

Sirius, dressed in the same black robes as Remus, with the red and gold tie hanging loosely around his neck, sat on the left seat by the wall with his head turned against the window. He turned around when Remus entered and gave him a big smile.

"Hi!" Sirius flipped his, for once, well combed straight, black hair and leaned further back in his seat.

The hair reached past his jawline by now. When Sirius first had started Hogwarts five years ago it had been shortly cut. According to his parents that was the proper look for a boy. Remus wasn't sure if Sirius had wanted long hair to begin with, or if his parents' restriction had triggered that desire. "Fancy seeing you, Mr Lupin.", Sirius continued.

"Hi," smiled Remus, before shoving his trunk on the luggage rack above the seats.

He refrained to call Sirius by his last name, since Sirius was, to put it mildly, not very found of it.

"How was August?" Remus asked while dropping down on the seat next to Sirius. Remus, Sirius, James and Peter had all seen each other during the first half of the summer holiday. They had stayed at James' house, and one day Remus had taken them to a muggle amusement park. His friends had all run around like little children, pointing at everything, eyes shining with excitement. It had taken a lot of convincing to get Peter to join them in the roller coaster train, and just the same amount of begging to keep Sirius in it. He had kept trying to undo his seatbelt and climb to sit on the front part, but, fortunately, his attempts had been unsuccessful.

Sirius smiled. "Good. I almost beat James at Quidditch!"

Somehow Remus doubted that statement. James had played for the Gryffindor Quidditch team for four years, while Sirius only interest involving brooms was to ride them as fast as he possibly could.

"You?"

Remus shrugged. "It was fine."

It had not been fine. It had been lonely. Remus enjoyed his parent's company, but it would have been nice to hang out with friends as well. The town he lived in mostly consisted of muggles, but a couple of wizarding families lived there as well. Remus had never got to know someone from either group, and now, six years later, it was too late. He would just be considered weird if he suddenly showed up on one of his neighbours' doorsteps. And close association with anyone - muggle or not - was risky. Of course, a wizard or witch would be more suspicious than a muggle, but Remus peaky appearance, strange behaviour and monthly disappearances would even make the muggles start to wonder what was wrong with him.

Sirius seemed to see through Remus words, but before he could say anything he was interrupted by the door, which once again opened. James and Peter made their way inside at the same time as the whistle sounded. Standing there next to each other, Peter appeared to be at least two years younger than James. His head, covered in ash blond hair, reached James to the shoulder. But the difference in appearance was especially broad between the two of them, with James being slim, muscular and tall for his age, while Peter was short and a little plump. The four of them greeted each other heartedly and dived into a conversation about their summers as the train started to move.

It didn't take long before they had left London behind them. There were no buildings in sight as they ran through fields, coloured green by the leaves of thriving crops. Fluffy white clouds filled the blue sky and hid the sun from view. Remus leaned back in his seat as he watched the scenery run by outside. Their conversation had died out at the moment, and Remus listened to the rhythmical, thumping sound of the train wheels slamming against the railway.

"Do you think the rumours are true?" Peter suddenly asked quietly. "That You-Know-Who has recruited Dementors?"

The effect of his words were immediate. Almost subconsciously, Remus sat up straighter, and out of the corner of his eye he could see James and Sirius do the same.

Remus had heard the rumours, and they terrified him. Dementors were one of the most appalling creatures he could think of. Due to his father, he knew a lot about them, since the study of Non-Beings like Dementors happened to be what Lyall had dedicated his life to. The fact that their most minor offense was to feed off of happiness, making their victims momentarily depressed, should have spoken for itself. Beyond that, Dementors had the power to suck out a human's soul - leaving them worse than dead. They were incredibly strong, and even talented wizards and witches had trouble defending themselves against them. With Dementors on his side, Voldemort would be able to do colossal damage.

"Yes," answered Remus. He had discussed the matter with his father, and they both believe the rumours to be true. "It couldn't have been very difficult for You-Know-Who to convince them, since he can offer them so much more than the ministry would ever allow."

"It could just be a trick," James pointed out while leaning forward in his seat. "The Death Eaters might have started the rumors to scare people."

Peter nodded, with a thankful look in his eyes, as if he was happy that James gave him a reason to latch on to the idé that Voldemort had not gained any power.

"That would explain why they are just that - rumors. The Daily Prophet hasn't brought it up because it's not true," Sirius added.

"Or: The Daily Prophet is hiding the truth because they don't want to admit how bad things are," Remus speculated.

"That would be really wrong of them," said James. "We have a right to know what's happening."

They all hummed in agreement.

"But even if You-Know-Who had Dementors, he wouldn't just let them roam free. I assume he want some wizards and witches to rule over if he wins, not just a bunch of soulless lumps," said James sardonically.

"Maybe he want them to kill all the muggles," Peter suggested.

"But Dementors don't kill-"

" Soul-suck all muggles, then," Peter corrected himself.

"But then he would still be stuck with the muggles. They would still be there, even if they didn't have a soul. I bet he wouldn't like that." Sirius smiled ironically.

"I don't think You-Know-Who is the kind of person who would mind if innocent people got hurt. If they were in the way he would destroy them with the rest," said Remus.

"Yeah, he would," James agreed. "But he's not stupid. He won't let the Dementors do uncontrollable damage."

That did make sense, and Remus actually felt comforted, considering the situation. He gave a quick nod to show that he agreed.

They hadn't yet learned how to cast the Patronus Charm, which was the only protection against dementors. Lyall, of course, already knew how to summon a prefect corporeal Patronus, and he had been aching to teach Remus for ages. But magic outside of school was forbidden for underage wizards and witches, so all Remus and Lyall could do was to wait for the school to teach it. The fact that Remus couldn't protect himself was a stressful thought.

The train had continued its steady travel through the landscape. The fields had momentarily been replaced by rows of planted pine trees, which rapidly swished by the window.

"At least we're all safe if Voldemort wins," Sirius said jokingly, and Remus attention returned to the compartment.

Sirius was probably getting at the fact that none of them were muggleborn.

Remus raised a thin eyebrow. "I'm a werewolf."

"You-Know-Who is using werewolves," Sirius pointed out in a casual tone.

"Using them, yes. Do you really think he's going to keep them around when they have fulfilled their purpose?"

Sirius paused for a moment. "No," he said in a low voice.

"That's also just a rumour," James added. "Maybe there's no werewolves working for him."

"My mother is a muggle," Remus continued matter-of-factly. "So I think my family is kinda screwed."

Sirius gave Remus a joyless grin.

"We're not going to let anything happen to you, Remus. Or your family," said James seriously. Peter nodded eagerly, as to emphasized James words.

Remus smiled weakly. "Thanks," he said.

If Voldemort did win, James wouldn't have much say in who lived and who died, but Remus appreciated the gesture.

When no one continued the conversation, James leaned back in his seat again and unconsciously ran his fingers through his messy black curls. Sirius put up his legs on the seat next to Remus and leaned his back against the wall next to the window with a small sigh. Remus pulled a muggle book out of his trunk, and when he sank back in his seat Sirius and James had started a soft conversation. He opened the book and let his eyes follow the black prints on the page, without actually perceiving what they meant.

Remus had never truly considered what he and his family would do if Voldemort won. It would be a catastrophe if Voldemort did, and maybe that was why Remus hadn't even recognised it as an option - it was simply too horrifying to handle. But if such a catastrophe _was_ to take place, then people like James, Sirius and Peter would all be able to survive. They would survive to live in an awful world, but at least they would be alive. Remus, on the other hand, was a werewolf, his mother a Muggle, and his father would be considered a disgrace for his association with the two of them. Therefore, Remus' whole family would be killed along with every other muggle, muggle born and blood traitor.

Although, Remus was actually a werewolf in hiding, as James had once put it. Every werewolf was by law obligated to register at the Ministry's _Beast Division_ (There was a _Being Divition_ too, but the Ministry had decided to put the matter of werewolves in the _Beast Division_ to be as offensive as possible). It was illegal not to do so, and any one who got caught would be sentenced to a shorter visit to Azkaban. Remus' parents never registered him after he was bitten. Lyall knew how the world looked at werewolves, and he wanted to give Remus every chance to avoid such a treatment.

But Remus was far from the only unregistered werewolf. The stigma regarding lycanthropy (the disease of being a werewolf) was so strong that almost no one wanted to expose their condition. And there was a time when the Ministry bearly would have bothered if they found an unregistered werewolf. But Voldemort's growing power, and the rumours that werewolves were working for him made Remus doubt that the Ministry would let it slide these days. Being a werewolf in hiding had started to make Remus anxious.

But the fact that Remus' lycanthropy was a secret offered a shred of hope. That meant that Voldemort's Death Eaters wouldn't know, and as a half-blood wizard he wouldn't be a target. As long as Lyall and Remus could hide Hope's true blood status could they survive.

Remus turned his attention back to the book in his hands and immersed himself in the story. It was quiet in the compartment, except to the occasional bang from James and Sirius round of Exploding Snap. Peter had also put up a book. They sat like that for a while, but when the lady carrying the trolly passed their compartment they all got up to buy some food and sweets, and sat down for lunch break. They started chatting, and Sirius told them about the latest idiotic things his parents had said, and made them all laugh with the story of how he destroyed his mother's favourite robes in dog-form. Remus filled them in on the latest muggle news, although James and Sirius already knew some of it, since James now subscribed to a muggle newspaper. He told them he partly did it as a statement. As a wizard, showing his interest in the muggle world proved he thought muggles to be equals, and just as important as witches and wizards.

"And it's a way to educate us about them," James said seriously. "So people understand that they are people too."

If only more wizards were like James.

At four in the afternoon Remus left the compartment to meet up with the other prefects. The meeting didn't take long, since this was his second year holding the position. The Head Boy and Head Girl quickly informed him of the school's new safety policies, reminded him of his powers and duties, and gave him the password to the Gryffindor common room.

"Sirius bet James one galleon that you'll use your prefect authority against us at some point," Peter greeted Remus when he came back.

Sirius gave a theatrical sigh and rolled back his head. "Pete, he wasn't supposed to know."

Peter dropped the smile and pouted his lips. "Sorry."

"It might affect the odds," James added, grinning up at Remus.

"Five points from Gryffindor," said Remus in the most serious tone he could muster, before retaking his seat next to Sirius. "I won't take any house points from you," Remus ensured them. "That would just impair Gryffindor's chances of winning the House Cup. Although I wouldn't mind giving you detention." Remus smirked at them.

"That's what I said," Sirius pointed out. "And it's the reason James is going to owe me one galleon." He seemed content with that, even though it would cost him detention.

"You wish," teased James.

"I guess we'll see," Remus concluded with a small smile. He didn't actually plan to put his friends in detention, although he was sure that Sirius would make it difficult to resist the temptation.

"I'd love to win the House Cup at least once before we leave school," said Peter.

When Sirius nodded Remus couldn't help but laugh. "We aren't exactly doing everything we can to earn house points," he pointed out.

"Who cares about the House Cup? We need to get the Quidditch Cup!" James interrupted and leaned in eagerly.

During the four years James had been on the Gryffindor Quidditch team they had never won the Quidditch Cup. James had panicked last year when they didn't get it, since he only had two more chances to succeed.

The three of them started discussing quidditch and the Gryffindor team's strategy for the year. Peter, who listened quietly for a while, lastley took up his book again.

The light outside shifted from blue to orange to purple. High mountains boarded the tracks on both sides, and a shiny lake reflected the now cloud free sky. Remus was reading his book again when the train started to slow down. He put it away, stretched out his rigid muscles and gave a soft yawn. His friends seemed to react to his movements. James, who had been resting his head against the window, sat up straight and ruffled his hair with one hand. Peter closed his book, and Sirius rose from the seat.

The four of them put their belongings and the rest of the food in their trunks before joining the students packed in the corridor. The train shaked and made a soft clattering noise when it suddenly stopped at the platform in Hogsmeade.

A soft, cool wind hit Remus in the face when he stepped off the train, and he tightened the red and gold scarf around his neck. The lit up Hogwarts Castle was visible in the distance, where it towered up in front of the high, black mountains behind. The great lake lay in front of them, and presented a perfect replica of the dark purple sky. Remus kept his eyes on the sight, drinking it all in, as the four of them walked the short distance to the carriages.

The carriages were standing in pretty rows beside the road that lead to the school. None of Remus, James, Sirius or Peter could see the thestrals that pulled the carriages, and Remus felt a little uncomfortable that the huge, winged, skeleton creatures he knew were there were invisible to him. Although the price to be able to see them wasn't exactly be to prefered.

The moment after they had stepped inside, the carriage started to move.

"Did you guys see Lily?" James asked. He leaned closer to the window and peeked out, presumably on the lookout for his crush.

"No," answered Peter.

"Mate, she hates you more than ever," Sirius laughed. "And I don't think stalking her will increase your chances."

James turned his head and gave Sirius an annoyed look. "Well at least she doesn't like Snivellus either."

The knowledge that Lily loathed him but liked Snape had bothered James for two years. This time none of them had a head start.

"If they were a couple, she might still be in her mourning period," Sirius teased.

"They were not a couple!" James snapped. "She has better taste than that."

"I sure hope so. Otherwise I'd say _you_ have bad taste," joked Sirius.

Uncomfortable, Remus kept his gaze on the closing castle. He opposed James and Sirius' bullying of Snape, and what had happened at the end of last year made him feel more guilty than ever. Snape and Lily had been friends since they first came to Hogwarts, and after five years Remus couldn't help but notice that Snape cared a lot for Lily. Sirius had suspected that he even was in love with her. But that had all ended last year, when Snape had called her a mudblood. Technically, he had uttered those words all on his own. No one forced him. But indirectly, Remus was sure that James and Sirius had. Snape had been in an awful situation, probably panicking. People can say a lot of stupid shit when they feel pressed or stressed, and Remus honestly thought that Snape hadn't meant what he said. So, yes, he felt guilty that his two best friends had made Snape loose his own best friend. But Snape did, however, consider every _other_ muggle-born to be a "mudblood", so he wasn't exactly a nice person or good company for Lily. On the other hand, Lily might be the only person who would be able to turn Snape to the good side.

The carriedge passed through the massive wrought-iron gates, each flanked by a tall stone column with a winged boar on top, and made its way down to the Hogwarts Castle. Remus, James, Sirius and Peter stepped outside when the carriage stopped, and walked towards the gigantic oak doors along with the other students. James kept turning his head, undoubtedly trying to spot something red in the crowd.

They made their way inside the cavernous Entrance Hall and continued into the Great Hall. An orange, flickering light came from the flaming torches that ran along the walls. The enchanted sealing, which resembled a beautiful night sky, was filled to the brim with floating candles. Dumbledore and the other staff members were sitting along the staff table at the back of the room. Students flooded inside, filling the hall with an excited buzz. Remus, James, Sirius and Peter made their way towards the Gryffindor table and seated themselves close to the staff table.

When every student had found a seat, Professor McGonagall walked in through the big doors leading to the Entrance Hall, closely followed by all first year students.

Remus remembered when he was sorted. Everyone else had been so terrified of what was going to happen, while he only had been trying to stop himself from beaming. He was so happy that he actually had sat his foot at the school. Both Remus and his parents had been sure that he wouldn't be able to attend Hogwarts, since it would have been impossible to hide his condition on a boarding school. But then, that night on his 11th birthday, Dumbledore had payed a visit. Startled and anxious, his parents had tried to stop him from entering, making up excuses, and, when that didn't work, downright refusing to let him in. Dumbledore had explained that he knew about Remus' lycanthropy, and made his way past Remus' perplexed parents.

"Good day Remus," had Dumbledore smiled when he entered the living room. Remus, sitting by the crackling fireplace, was wrapped up in a blanket. The game of Gobstones, which he and his dad had been in the middle of when it knocked on the door, was left untouched next to him. Remus had heard his parent's frightened voices, and it surprised him when the kind looking Headmaster appeared in the doorway. Remus had read Dumbledore's Chocolate Frog Card several times, painfully aware that he'd never would attend the man's school.

"Hi," Remus managed to say. Dumbledore had already settled down opposite him. Unbothered by Remus tensed behaviour, he reached out his hands and started fiddling with the stones on the board between them.

"I'm Albus Dumbledore."

"I know." Remus eyed Dumbledore cautiously, who calmly looked back at him. Every stranger was a threat to him and his family.

Dumbledore smiled. "Your turn."

Remus looked down. Dumbledore had rolled one of the glass balls to the board's middle and was holding a pile of them in his outstretched arm, trying to hand them over to Remus. Remus didn't move.

"Excuse me, Headmaster, but what's the meaning of this?"

Lyall was standing up next to them with a stressed expression in his face. Dumbledore lowered his hand and peeked up at Lyall. Hope snuck around Lyall and sank down next to Remus, laying a protective hand on his shoulder.

"I know about your condition, Remus." Dumbledore's tone was gentle, but Remus immediately stopped dead. Dumbledore turned to Lyall, who didn't look surprised, but on his guard. "I have spies of my own, and six years ago one of them heard Greyback brag about his latest conquest. I am deeply sorry."

Lyall didn't move a muscle.

Dumbledore's tone of voice clearly stated that he didn't agree with Grayback's view of the matter, but his wording still made Remus uncomfortable. He felt a little sick thinking about how he was the conquest of an appalling monster. His father had told him about Greyback - the werewolf that bit him. Greyback specialized in infecting young children with lycanthropy. He wanted to create an army of werewolves, and tried to kidnap the children he contaminated to raise them as his soldiers. Thankfully, Lyall had discovered Greyback in the middle of his attack on Remus, and had been able to drive him out of the house before the werewolf had been able to take Remus with him.

If only Lyall had gotten their a minute earlier.

"I believe that this is nothing that should stop your son from going to school," Dumbledore continued. "I have already made special arrangements to make this possible."

Remus couldn't believe his ears.

"You mean…" he started, and Dumbledore turned back to him. The clear blue gaze staring right at Remus made him nervous, almost like stage fright. "That you have no problem with me being a werewolf, sir?"

Lyall jerked almost unnoticeably.

"Certainly not, young boy." Dumbledore emphasised every word carefully.

Remus realised he had clenched his hands, and they started to tingle uncomfortably when he relaxed and let the blood flow again.

"And I could go to school?" Remus asked hopefully.

"Yes," smiled Dumbledore.

"Remus is an unregistered werewolf," Lyall cut in harshly. "The social sanctions are bad enough, if he were to be discovered. We don't want him exposed by the Ministry above that."

The single flame of hope flickered and died.

"And where would he transform?" Lyall continued critically "In the hospital wing, among other sick students? In an empty classroom?"

"No," said Dumbledore calmly. "He would transform in a cottage far away from the school. Madam Pomfrey will treat him. She's been reading up on the subject of werewolves. I can assure you she will be fully capable of taking care of your son."

"I want to go to Hogwarts," Remus insisted softly.

Lyall was silent for a moment.

"Okay," he said finally, with a hint of a smile for the first time during the conversation.

The applauds brought Remus back to reality. The sorting was over, and Remus fixed his eyes on Professor McGonagall as she removed the stool and storing hat, before taking her seat at the staff table. When she'd taken her place Dumbledore immediately stood up. His long silvery hair hanged over the deep purple robes embellished with small, golden stars. He didn't look a day older than when he showed up on the Lupin's doorstep 5 years ago (Although he looked pretty old to begin with).

"Welcome!" Dumbledore said heartedly. "Welcome, all first years, to Hogwarts' school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And Welcome back to all the students who have returned for yet another magnificent year." He paused for a moment and looked out over the sea of black in front of him. "I am pleased to announce our newest asset to the school: Professor Prequan, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher." Dumbledore gestures behind him, at a thin looking middle age man.

A round of weak applaus welcomed Professor Prequan, before they quickly died out.

"On a more serious note," Dumbledore continued, and his voice suddenly contained a gloomy tone. "To say that these are hard times is an immense understatement. There are people sitting in this very hall who one way or another has fallen victim to Voldemort's gruesome acts. My heart goes out to the ones who has lost a loved one, or in any other way gotten hurt."

A murmur rose among the students when everyone started looking around the hall on the lookout for the peers Dumbledore had referred to.

"Quiet down, please." Dumbledore's voice was calm, but Remus could detect a sharp undertone. Dumbledore waited silently until the hall quieted down again. "I don't want anyone trying to pressure a fellow student to tell any kind of story he or she doesn't want to," Dumbledore said sternly, and seemed to pierce the whole hall with his ice blue eyes. "I want to encourage everyone to be kind, open minded and supportive. "Dumbledore's voice had turned soft again. "We need to look after each other, and not fight among ourselves over our differences."

Remus looked out over the hall and let his eyes run along the student tables. Green, blue, yellow and red. How many of them would be able to cooperate with Remus if they knew the truth about him? Was Remus one of the people Dumbledore had thought of when he wrote his speech? It didn't really matter, since the possibility of changing the deeply rooted feelings wizards and witches held for werewolves were slim.

"Lastly," said Dumbledore. "I want you all to know that Hogwarts is well protected. Physical boundaries and protective magic provides a strong shield from any kind of intrusion. Every member of the staff will also do everything in their power to ensure that no one who isn't supposed to be here enters. However, if anyone were to see anything suspicious, please report to a teacher immediately. Additionally, it's important that you follow every restriction put up. I don't want anyone wandering around in the castle or the grounds without the knowledge and approval of a teacher. Just because it's midday and you are accompanied by a group of friends doesn't mean nothing could happen."

Dumbledore was quiet for a moment, as to let his words sink in. With blushing cheeks, Remus persistently kept his gaze at the empty, shiny plates on the table. Dumbledore had held a similar speech last year, which hadn't stopped Remus and his friends from roaming the grounds every full moon and sneaking around the castle during the night. Perhaps it was essential that they stopped. Remus was even a prefect for Merlin's sake.

"Please keep all of this in mind," Dumbledore finished mildly. "Now, why don't we enjoy a lovely meal together?"

Immediately, the tables filled with food. It didn't take long before an excited babble replaced the tension in the room. Visibly unbothered by Dumbledore's words, James and Sirius loades their plates full and started to dig in. They couldn't exactly discuss the matter here anyway, so Remus decided to forget about it at the moment, and filled his own plate. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by their greater interest for the large amount of dishes, and before Remus knew it the plates had magically been wiped clean again, and Dumbledore was wishing everyone a good night.

Remus parted with James, Sirius and Peter to help the first years find their way to the Gryffindor common room. A seventh year prefect had already gathered the insecure looking lot when Remus joined her, and together they herded them past the Entrance Hall and up the grand marble staircase. All the first years looked around with curious expressions, and seemed amazed by anything they could lay their eyes on. Some of them were almost bouncing up and down of excitement, but Remus ended up walking side by side with a brown haired boy who kept his gaze below eye level and his shoulders hunched in a tensed position.

"How you holding up?" Remus asked softly.

The boy jerked and turned up his head to face Remus. "Fine," he said hurriedly, before looking away.

"You know, I was terrified my first day here," Remus continued gently. It sounded like a line, but when 11 year old Remus had gotten over the high of being at Hogwarts the distress of being a secret werewolf had taken over.

The boy glanced at him.

"But everyone is really nice here, and the school's great." Remus gave the boy a hesitant smile. He smiled back and looked a bit more comfortable. "I'm Remus. What's your name?"

"Gavin"

Remus smiled politely. "Nice to meet you."

Gavin mumbled something, probably returning the pleasantries.

After that they walked in silence.

The other prefect, who had taken the lead, stopped outside the portrait of the fat lady and explained that the Gryffindor Tower lay behind.

"The password is _bubblegum_ , but pay attention, because it will change. For safety reasons it will change more regularly than before," she said, before turning around and giving the pink dressed lady the password. The portrait swinged open and reviled the cosy room on the other side. Remus let the first years go first, before he followed them through the hole.

The immense tower consisted of the upstairs dormitories and the common room, which fluffy red armchairs and magnificent fireplace greeted Remus when he entered. The flames in the fireplace lit up the room with a soft yellow light. Huge windows ran along the scarlet walls and offered a grand view of the rich night sky and the broad grounds below. A large, red Gryffindor banner, which portrayed a golden lion standing on its hind legs, hung down from the ceiling.

The first year students had already disappeared into the spacious room, so Remus wished the prefect a good night and made his way to his dormitory.

Four four-poster beds, draped by deep-red velvet curtains, stood along the walls in the rectangular dormitory. The only source of light came from the faint moonlight shining through the large window at the very back of the room. Peter, already dressed in his faded striped pyjamas, was standing next to a half dressed James and Sirius. They were seemingly continuing the quidditch discussion from earlier, but paused for a moment to acknowledge Remus. After exchanging smiles and greeting nods Remus walked up to the right bed closest to the door and started undressing. He hung up the black robes on a hook before sinking down to his knees in front of his trunk.

Remus carefully removed the thin, grey sweater he was wearing. As the cool air hit his bare skin Remus tried to bite down the feeling of exposure. His friends already knew about all the thin scars, left by his claws, that ran along his chest, back and arms, and the occasional bite marks spread all over his body, but Remus couldn't help to feel uneasy reminding them how grotesque he looked. There was a satisfaction of not having to hide however, and therefore Remus was determined to stop feeling ashamed. Although that plan wasn't working very well.

The pyjamas jacket seemed to have disappeared inside the large trunk, and Remus started digging more desperately.

Remus was most sensitive about the bite on his left shoulder, due to its history, and because it physically looked the worst. Remus' theory was that he was less resistant of another werewolf's venom than his own.

Finally, Remus manage to snatched the pyjamas jacket from the newly made mess below and quickly put it on, before he started to look for the pyjamas' other piece. Funny enough, it seemed to be lying on the very surface of the trunk and didn't take more than a second to find.

James and Sirius were still talking, seated next to each other on James' bed. None of them were wearing their pyjamas jacket, since they found them to give an immature impression, and Remus could spot yet another tatoo on Sirius torso, which hadn't been their earlier that summer. Peter was already lying in bed. None of them looked at Remus, which probably was intentional, to give him some privacy.

Exhausted, Remus didn't wish to join James and Sirius' conversation.

"Goodnight," said Remus.

"Goodnight," chorused three voices.

As Remus climbed into bed, James and Sirius shut the curtains around them. James softly whispered " _Absque sonus_ _,"_ which created a sound proof area for them to keep talking without disturbing the others. Remus closed his own, thick curtains and snuck down under the soft covers. It didn't take long before he fell asleep.


	2. A Castle In the Mountains (Remus)

**2\. A Castle In the Mountains (Remus)**

Remus brought the glass to his mouth and took another sip of the tart orange juice. Students' cheerful voices and the clattering of cutlery filled the Great Hall. The bright sunlight that seeped through the tall, broad windows and coloured the room light yellow had a bracing effect on Remus' tired body.

"Sweeeeet," Sirius happy exclaimed, while eyeing the schedule Professor McGonagall had handed out a minute ago. "I start with a free period today."

The four of them, dressed in their black school robes, were sitting at the crammed Gryffindor table. Sirius, with his tangled black hair as a messy gloria around his head, still had his tie loosely hanging around his neck . Remus and Peter kept theirs nicely tied, while James seemed to have taken the middle ground between the two options. Chewing on a piece of toast, James leaned closer to Sirius to look at the schedule over his shoulder.

"Padfoot," he laughed. "That's not meant as free time. You're supposed to study hard." He grinned at Sirius.

"Well not today," Sirius insisted. "We haven't had a single lesson. I am officially homework free."

"Well I only have one lesson today," countered Peter. "So I win."

"But you take fewer subjects, so you don't count," teased Sirius. "Can I look at yours?" He reached over the table and grabbed Peter's schedule out of his hand. Peter let him take it and turned his attention back to the breakfast and the Daily Prophet he had been reading.

Remus took another look at his own schedule for today. Astronomy, Potions and Transfiguration.

"Look, Pete, we have Care of Magical Creatures tomorrow," Sirius continued eagerly, as he kept eying his schedule.

"It will be nice to get outside," said Peter, lowering The Daily Prophet, and glanced out the window in front of him on the other side of the table.

"What do you even plan to do with that class?" James asked skeptically. "Are you two planning a career in that field? Cause otherwise it's a waste of time."

Sirius shrugged. "It's fun. Besides, I got an _Outstanding_ last year," he delightfully boasted, before reaching over the table and ruffling Remus' light-brown hair. "It's just because I've had so much practice."

Remus glared at him disapprovingly. "You're welcome."

James bursted into laughter, and Remus couldn't help but join in. Sirius smiled innocently.

Remus look bite out of his sandwich.

"Anything interesting, Peter?" James asked, glancing at The Prophet in Peter's hands.

"Nah, just more of the same. There's an article about remaining hopeful, and another one that predicts everything's gonna go to hell," said Peter, while flipping through the pages of the newspaper without looking at it. "Take your pick."

Remus, James and Sirius all laughed, and Peter smiled happily.

"I think we need to go," said Remus, before chugging the last of the juice from his glass. "Otherwise well be late to class."

James and Peter nodded and stood up.

Sirius gave a short, mocking laugh. "I'll just stay here then. Pete, could I have the paper?" Sirius held up his hand and Peter gave him the folded Daily Prophet.

Remus, James and Peter made their way through the busy hall, zigzagging past the flow of students on their way in or out through the door. The Astronomy lessons on Thursday mornings were not held in the Astronomy Tower. During Remus' five years at Hogwarts the lessons had always been once a week at midnight, where they sat and observed the stars. They would have those sessions this year as well, but the morning lesson was in a normal classroom.

"It's probably gonna be theoretical," said James, casually leaning against the thick stone wall in the corridor. They were waiting outside the locked classroom together with the other Gryffindors and Ravenclaws who attended the class. Remus and Peter stood really close to James as they tried to talk over the other students' loud chatting.

"Probably," Remus agreed. "If we're just made to memorize the names of a million stars I'm going to die."

James groaned in assent. "Yeah. Just promise to take me with you."

Remus smiled at him.

"It's probably not that bad," said Peter.

The Astronomy Professor walked down the corridor and greeted her students, before unlocking the door to let them in. The small classroom was cluttered with desks standing all over the place. Bookshelves crammed with books ran along three of the walls, giving the classroom an enclosed feeling. Remus and James choose a pair of desks at the very back of the room, and Peter seated himself right in front of them.

The lessons was, just as James predicted, theoretical. The Professor gave a brief introduction of what they were to expect from the class, before making them research different stars from the hundreds of books in her classroom. It was a mundane task, where all they did was copy the names of stars from the books to answer the short questions on the paper she had handed out.

Remus had brought a big pile of dusty old books to his desk, and two of them were already lying open when a thick brown book, wittering of old age, titled _The moon - mysteries and magic_ caught Remus interest, where it was lying at the top of the pile. He reached out his arm to grab it, and started flipped through the pages, reading a paragraph here and there. The book seemed to contain a lot of advice on how to use the moon to one's advantage. Allegedly, moonlight was good for treating flu, but could make the bones more fragile and increase the risk of breaking one. It sounded like nonsense to Remus, like the kind of ideas witches and wizards held in the past.

Remus found the spread about werewolves at the back of the book. After making sure no one saw what he was reading, he quickly skimmed through the pages. There was no information there that he didn't already know, only the deeply offensive wording.

Remus jerked his head up when he sensed someone behind him, looked around, and met James' gentle, brown gaze. James, who had leaned closer to Remus to read over his shoulder, immediately sat back in his seat with an apologetic look. Flustered, Remus closed the book and lay it aside.

"Sorry," said James quickly. "I didn't mean to prey. I was just wondering what you were reading."

Surely, James only found Remus' interest for werewolves natural, but Remus couldn't help to feel a little embarrassed. He had been a werewolf for 11 years, and maybe his friends though that it was time for him to get over himself. But Remus wanted to know as much as possible about his condition, and always found the subject of werewolves engaging, since lycanthropy was a considerable part of his life.

"It's fine," Remus awkwardly assured him.

Peter, who had heard them talking, turned around. Remus forced a smile, before hastily turning his gaze to one of the still open books on his desk. James started a whispering conversation with Peter, and Remus took up his quill and kept working on the assignment. After a while, Peter turned back to his desk, and the three of them spent the rest of the lesson in silence. Out of the corner of his eye Remus caught James glancing at him a couple of times.

A loud buzz filled the classroom when the professor announced that the class was over, and everyone gathered their belongings and made their way out in the corridor. Remus, James and Peter followed the stream of students down to the ground floor. Remus and James' next lesson was Potions. The parted ways with Peter, and just as the two of them started to climb the stairs to the dungeons, Sirius caught up with them. James complained about the boring Astronomy lesson as they made their way to the Potions Classroom.

The area outside the door was filled with students, alternately wearing red and green ties. Lily was standing among a group of friends to the right of the door. Her shiny, red hair, which reached down to the middle of her back, made her difficult to miss in the first place, and James jerking in a temporarily halt made it impossible.

"Hi Lily," James said flirtatiously. Lily instinctively turned her head, but her eyes narrowed when she lay eyes on James. Without answering she turned back to her friends and kept talking like no interruption had occured.

Trying to hide his disappointed look, James followed his friends to the back of the small space. Remus sank to the floor and leaned back against the wall. Sirius followed his example, while James sat down cross-legged opposite them.

From his place on the floor, Remus catched a glimpse of Snape. Earlier years Lily usually spent this class in his company, but now she seemed to be standing as far away from him as possible. Snape's straight black hair looked oily as usual. Why was that? Did he actually not wash it, as James and Sirius always mockingly suggested?

Suddenly, Snape turned his head and glared furiously in Remus, James and Sirius' direction. He must have noticed that Remus was looking at him, because all of a sudden his black eyes stared right into Remus'. Remus froze, and refused to look away. After a moment Snape averted his gaze and swept his narrowing eyes over Remus' body as he looked him up and down.

"Oi, Moony." Sirius snapped his fingers. "You with us?"

Remus teared away from Snape's strange looks and turned back to his friends. Sirius, however, wasn't looking at Remus. He must have realized what had taken up Remus' attention, and was now staring down Snape with a hostile expression in his face.

"What's his problem?" Sirius asked, irritated, while raising a pair of agitated eyebrows at Snape.

"He's mad about Lily," James concluded, while staring in Snape's direction as well. "Like it's our fault he's a rasict ashole."

"Don't mind him," Remus hurriedly advised them. James turned his head to look at Remus when he spoke, but then quickly continued to stare at Snape.

At that moment, Professor Slughorn opened the doors to the classroom. Snape, James and Sirius stopped their silent battle, as Snape followed his Slytherin friends through the doors. Remus, James, and Sirius stood up and made their way into the classroom as well. The three of them seated themselves at the back of the classroom, where they'd easier be able to get away with talking. The desks were put together four and four, forming a small square, and James and Sirius immediately sank down next to each other. Remus took one of the seats opposite them.

Professor Slughorn welcomed everyone to the class and started, just like the Astronomy Professor, explaining what they would cover this term. Remus wasn't exactly paying attention, where he sat leaned in over the table, quietly talking to James and Sirius. What was the point in going over what they would do in class? Like they wouldn't find out when they got there.

When Slughorn explained the names and usages of important potion ingredients, however, Remus stopped talking, leaned back in his seat, and took careful notes. James and Sirius kept whispering to each other, and Slughorn had to stop talking twice to tell them off.

Potions was followed by lunch. Peter joined them, and the four of them spent the hour leaned in close together at the Gryffindor table, discussing Snape. James was undoubtedly right when he promoted that Snape would attack them at some point. During the ongoing feud between Snape and James and Sirius, both parties took every opportunity to mock, humiliate or assault their opponent. And after what happened last year, Snape must be out for revenge.

But Remus wasn't sure he could hold it against Snape. Despite the mutual dispute Remus still felt Snape was being bullied. He was more vulnerable - being less talented than James and Sirius, and, since he didn't always had help from his friends, usually outnumbered. James and Sirius, on the other hand, had the crowd on their side, who considered that Snape, the odd Slytherin, deserved it. And on top of that James and Sirius were the ones who started it all. Snape's first attack had been out of vengeance. James and Sirius' had been unprovoked.

"We can't attack him 'just in case'!" Remus exclaimed frustrated, when Sirius suggested just that. "That is stupid on so many levels."

"Well you agreed he's going to come after us -"

"And how do you think going after him is going to stop him? You'll just make him angrier!" Remus said between gritted teeth.

With raised eyebrows Sirius held up his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay." He was silent for a moment. "But have fun looking over your shoulder, Moony," he then said with a little flick of his head. "Maybe you'll regret it when you're lying in the Hospital Wing."

"He's not going to send us to the Hospital Wing!"

"I wouldn't be so sure," said James seriously. When Remus heard James subdued tone he realized he and Sirius had started to raise their voices. "Snape's probably furious," James continued. "And he _is_ very fond of the Dark Arts."

"But that's a little extreme," said Remus with uncertainty, now in a hushed voice.

James shrugged. "You saw the way he looked at us."

Actually, Remus was certain that Snape had been looking specifically at _him_. A hint of fear flashed through him when he realized he believed James. Snape probably was capable of doing something that bad, and it seemed like Remus was the target.

They were quiet for a moment. Peter slurped another spoon of his tomato soup. He had intensely listened to the conversation with worried eyes.

"Well it doesn't matter anyway," said Remus quietly, shifting position in his seat. "Attacking him beforehand won't change anything. It's not like it'll scare him off."

"No," James agreed. "We'll just have to be on guard."

After lunch Remus, James and Sirius left Peter, and went up the marble staircase to the first floor, where their Transfiguration class would take place. Once Professor McGonagall arrived and let them into the classroom, James, who kept a close eye on Lily, picked the seat right behind her. Remus sighed inawards as he followed him, with Sirius close behind. Sirius, looking quite amused, lay an arm around Remus shoulders as they sat down together behind James.

"You wanna bet she'll slap him at some point," he jokingly whispered in Remus ear.

They both glanced at James, who unsuccessfully attempted to start up a conversation with Lily.

Remus smiled. "And what do you bet on?"

With a widened smile, Sirius removed his arm and leaned back to be able to look at Remus. "She's totally going to take a swing at him." He paused for a moment. " You in?"

Remus considered what event was most likely to go down between James and Lily. Lily was a kind and non violent witch. Even last year, when she'd been the only person standing up for Snape, she had not raised her wand once. She didn't seem like the person who'd solve problems with violence in the first place.

"Sure," Remus smirked.

Sirius seemed to have put less thought and more hope into his decision.

"One galleon."

"Sure."

"Quiet please!" Professor McGonagall called out, where she was standing behind her desk, dressed in her usual emerald-green robes, and with the black hair tied up in a bun.

The class immediately stopped talking and turned their attention to her. Remus leaned in, supported his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. Professor McGonagall welcomed everyone, and congratulated them for gaining such a high grade at their O.W.L:s (since Professor McGonagall only accept students into her N.E.W.T classes that had achieved a _Exceeds Expectations_ or higher). After that, she quickly put the class to work.

They were supposed to practice the charm for multiplying an object, which was extremely challenging. It felt like a typical McGonagall-like way to welcome her students back from summer break. Remus concentrated hard, mimicked the wand movement from the book, and spoke in a clear voice, but to no result. After a while he started to loose focus. Sirius, clearly more interested in chatting than the lesson, kept talking to him, and since Remus attempts to master the charm had been unsuccessful, he started to give in.

James didn't seem to be paying attention either. At first, he tried to talk to Lily, but when that didn't work he sat back in his seat, seemingly to practice the spell, but Remus could see that he repeatedly glanced at Lily.

At the end of the lesson, no one in the whole class had manage to conjure a replica of the button Professor McGonagall had handed out to each them.

"On Monday I want everyone to be able to use the spell on an item that small," Professor McGonagall told them. The whole class sighed when handed their first homework in months. "And if you haven't practiced, I will know." She sternly looked out over the class, who mumbling assured her that they would do it.

The scratching sound of everyones' chairs moving across the floor broke the silence when Professor McGonagall declared the lesson to be over. Remus was on his way out of the classroom along with James and Sirius when Professor McGonagall called him out.

"Mr Lupin! Could I speak with you for a moment?"

Remus strongly suspected what she wanted to talk about. There was only one subject brought up every time Professor McGonagall had a private conversation with him.

"I'll be right back," he mumbled to his friends.

James and Sirius, both with pretty blank expressions, gave a quick nod of understanding. Lily, among some other students, eyed Remus curiously when he turned around and walked back inside the classroom. Remus made sure to close the door behind him, since this was a conversation his classmates must not hear.

There were moments when Remus was happy Professor McGonagall knew about his condition. As his Head of House, her knowing facilitated him. He didn't have to sneak around in the same way. She was kind and understanding, and under her authority he was allowed to skip class around the full moon, if he felt it to be needed. Additionally, it was reassuring every time Remus found someone who didn't dismiss him because of what he was.

Remus felt fine with his friends knowing he was a werewolf. They didn't find it disgusting or humiliating. On the contrary, they had viewed it as rather cool, and treated the subject as something normal, which made him feel like less of a freak.

But it was different with Professor McGonagall. It was just so… so… awkward. His body literally turned into a wolf every month. He wasn't quite comfortable with her beholding that image in her brain. Remus didn't know how she really felt about the whole affair. He was sure she didn't think less of him because of it, but it might still make her feel uneasy. Remus had a very serious view of his lycanthropy, but sometime the realisation that it was simply a really weird condition hit him. Being a werewolf caused him a lot of pain, but it was embarrassing as well.

Standing behind her desk, McGonagall was fiddling with some papers as Remus walked up to her. She put them down and looked up when he stopped on the other side off the desk.

"How was your summer?" she asked in a restrained voice, as her green eyes swept over him.

It felt like an attempt to a subtle medical examination.

"Great." Remus forced a smile, wishing they could skip the pleasantries.

Professor McGonagall seemed to sense he wasn't up for small talk. "I just want to go over some new procedures we've put in place, since the new safety rules affect how we handle your transformations," she said, calmly looking at Remus.

Remus shifted the weight from one foot to the other.

"Yeah?"

"Neither Dumbledore nor I wanted to let you stay so far away from the school, but unfortunately, we don't have a better option."

Remus couldn't fight a small smile. "I don't think I'll be in any danger."

"Werewolves aren't invulnerable," said Professor McGonagall seriously.

Remus jerked involuntary when she bluntly uttered the word.

"People would think twice before attempting to harm one," she continued, thankfully without acknowledging his reaction. "But I still feel uncomfortable leaving you unprotected."

Professor McGonagall was worrying about Death Eaters, but Remus had always been in some degree of danger, since werewolves could be a target for almost any witch or wizard. There were many who, upon encountering a werewolf in wolf form, would attempt to kill it.

"Our solution," Professor McGonagall continued. "Is to cast strong protective magic around the Shrieking Shack, beyond the usual spells. I will accompany you along with Madam Pomfrey every month, to assure you get there safely, and to perform the protective charms. Any questions?"

Remus shook his head.

"You will come to my office every evening of the full moon, and we will walk together from there," Professor McGonagall added. "I hardly need to remind you to be in time?"

"No," said Remus, repressing an ironic smile.

Professor McGonagall stood a little straighter. "Then that will be all. Please close the door on your way out."

Remus gave a quick nod, turned around and walked out of the classroom, before closing the door. The now almost deserted corridor only contained three other people, besides Remus. James, Sirius and Peter, who must have joined them after the lesson ended, stood by the window opposite of the classroom door. They stopped talking and looked up when Remus stepped out in the corridor.

"Werewolf stuff?" Sirius asked, with a hint of humor, when Remus approached them.

"Yep."

"Anything major?" James wondered, when Remus didn't elaborate.

Remus explained what Professor McGonagall had said.

"We want to head down to the lake," Sirius smiled when Remus was done, gesturing at the beautiful sunny day outside the window.

"No, I need to do our Transfiguration homework first," said Remus.

Sirius sighed, annoyed. "C'mon. It's not due until Monday."

"Sirius -", said James reproachfully, but Remus cut him off.

" _I_ am going to be out almost all of next week," he said sharply. "So I'd like to learn the spell while I still can."

Being a werewolf didn't mean Remus only lost one night a month to the savage create inside him. His transformation were always preceded and succeeded by a couple of days of exhaustion. Tired and on edge, he couldn't pay attention in class properly around that time, and he'd never been able to do much but lie in bed the very day after he'd turned. This resulted in Remus systematically getting behind in his school work.

Unprepared for Remus' outburst, Sirius looked a little startled. "Sorry," he apologised, sounding guilty.

"It's okay," said Remus quickly, regretting that he'd snapped at him.

Peter looked between the two of them with concerned eyes.

"Why don't you do your homework first, and then we'll go to the lake?" James suggested.

That sounded like a good compromise. And Remus did want to go outside, he just felt he didn't really have the time.

They all went to the Gryffindor common room, where Remus settled himself in one of the soft armchairs, trying hard to get the spell right. James, Sirius and Peter started playing a round of cards on the floor. The common room was pretty empty, since it was only early afternoon, and many students still had class. And those who'd finished their last lesson of the day chose to spend time outside.

Remus had put a little button on the small, round table standing next to the armchair. At first he continuously uttered the spell, his wand firmly pointing at the small item, but eventually Sirius groaned that he he was being annoying. After that, Remus sat with the Transfiguration book in his hands, rereading the instructions and tips on how to perform the charm. Once in a while he dared to try to cast it, and every time he failed.

When James, Sirius and Peter had finished their third round, Sirius stood up and launched himself at the red sofa standing on Remus' left.

"Please tell me you are done soon," he begged, where he was laying on his side, looking up at Remus.

James now standing, took a hesitant step in their direction. Peter, who still sat on the floor, had started to build a card house.

"I honestly haven't gotten anywhere," Remus frustratedly explained. He put the book down on the table with a little slam, and shifted around in his seat.

Sirius sighed and rolled over on his back.

"But I might as well stop now," said Remus in dejection.

Sirius lifted his head and gave Remus a happily smile, where he was looking at him upside down. "Really?"

"Yes."

Delighted, Sirius jumped up.

After putting away the book and the deck of cards, and retrieving their swimming gears, the four of them left the Gryffindor tower and made their way outside one of the castle's side entrances. They walked over the quaint little courtyard, crossed the beautiful but rickety-looking bridge, and strolled down the long slope which lead to the lake.

The bright sunshine and hot temperature gave an impression of a summer day, even though they were in Scotland and it was in the beginning of September. There wind was still, and Remus felt uncomfortably warm in his black robes. It certainly didn't look like authom either. Remus couldn't detect a single hint of yellow or red on the trees as they walked along the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

Exited shrieks carried their way from the water. The lake was filled with swimming students, and over the grass-covered bank sat groups of friends, lively talking to each other. Sirius lead Remus, James and Peter to a spot near the edge of the lake, where he started to remove his robes. James and Peter immediately followed his lead, while Remus sank down on the ground. Sitting cross-legged, he closed his eyes and turned his head up against the warm sun.

"You're not going swimming?" Sirius asked in an energetic voice somewhere above Remus.

Remus opened his eyes again and looked up at Sirius. "I think I'll pass."

Sirius looked at him dejectedly, but seemed to decide not to push it.

"Have fun," said Remus lightly. He shut his eyes again, putting the short exchange to an end.

James, Sirius and Peter's cheerful voices became distant as they left for the lake, and soon thereafter there was a sound of splashing water nearby.

Remus would have liked to join them, but during his five years at Hogwarts he'd never set foot in the lake (well, at least figuratively speaking, since he _had_ walked barefoot in the shallow water many times before). But going swimming meant exposing most of his skin, and he didn't exactly feel like sharing more of his scares with the world.

Remus had two scars he couldn't hide with his everyday clothing: the three, light-red scratches which ran along the left side of his neck, and a single thin, white line across his nose and cheek. He was lucky, really, that the damage was so mild. Month after month, his claws kept missing the eyes. Remus was terrified that one day they wouldn't. But maybe the wolf in him partly knew what he was doing. Even though the wolf couldn't control himself enough to not cause _any_ harm, he might intentionally avoid such a valuable possession as eyes.

Since Remus couldn't hide the scars on his face and neck, all his classmates and everyone who passed him in the hallway noticed them. Some asked questions (which Remus untruthfully answered) and some just stared. His classmates had eventually gotten used to how he looked, but if Remus were to reveal his ragged body they'd have a _lot_ of questions. It would not only make Remus flustered, but actually put him at risk. Not that anyone immediately would come to the conclusion that he was a werewolf, since the idea that such a foul creature attended Hogwarts would be so far-fetched it would not even be considered. But perceiving a person with that many scars would make them understand that _something_ was wrong, and if they started digging they might stumble upon the truth.

And yeah, sure, Remus could avoid the problem by going out in the water with his clothes on. But then that would make him weird on a whole other level.

Remus opened his eyes and looked out over the bewitching sight in front of him. The enormous grey mountains loomed over the giant, glittering body of water right below them. Since the mountains were so close, located around the very edge of the lake, it looked as though they were creeping up on him. On Remus left, the Hogwarts Castle towered over him from its place on the high, steep, mountain-like hill, which jutted out into the lake. The scenery emanated a threatening, powerful feeling that fascinated him. Maybe because it was what made the view so majestic and grand.

James, Sirius and Peter got out of the water. Standing by the edge of the lake Sirius started shaking his head back and forth to get the water out of his hair. Together, the three of them then walked back to Remus.

"Hi!" Sirius damp swimming shorts made a squelching sound when he dropped down on the grass next to Remus.

James bent down and dug out his wand from the messy pile of his robes lying on the ground. With a quick spell he dried his own and Peter's shorts, before they sat down as well.

Remus was reminded of Sirius' new tattoo when he lay eyes on it again. It was a paw print made out of black inc, about half a decimeter in size. Located beneath his right collarbone, the skin around it was still soft pink.

"Little obvious maybe," said Remus with raised eyebrows, nodding his head at Sirius while eying the tattoo.

Sirius had clearly got the tattoo as a symbol of his new status as an animagus. Not that anyone would see it and connect Sirius to the large, black dog that sometimes ran around at Hogwarts. At least Remus hoped they wouldn't. Professor McGonagall sure could be observant.

Sirius met Remus' gaze before looking down at the black paw print himself. He smiled. "Thought my animal side needed some representation."

"Creative," said Remus wryly.

"Fuck you, Lupin," Sirius countered, but he couldn't fight a smile.

"I think it looks good," said Peter.

"See, Peter knows what he's talking about!" Sirius jokingly exclaimed. It looked like he was about to say something more, but he seemed to change his mind, and instead turned to James. "You ever thought of getting one, James?"

James, who had been looking out over the area, turned his head to Sirius while he changed his seating position in the grass. "Nope. I might, some day."

They started to discussing tattoos. Remus didn't exactly considered getting one himself, but it was fun to speculate. And maybe Sirius would be able to convince either James or Peter to do it. Wizarding tattoos offered so many more possibilities than muggle ones. They could change colour or shape, and move around. Although having tattoos constantly changing could probably be quite annoying.

A soft wind swept past Remus, and rippled the surface of the water. With a soft sound of flapping wings, a stare of owls flew over them, soon leaving the school grounds behind. They were unmistakably on their way to deliver students' letters to family and friends. The lake steadily emptied as more and more student grew tired of swimming.

"Look, you can see the moon," said Peter suddenly.

Peter had been leaning back, steadying himself with his hands behind his back, staring up at the blue arch above. Now he shuffled his weight to one hand and lifted the other upwards, lasily pointing at the sky. Remus followed his gaze, and after a second he lay his eyes on the almost indistinguishable circular shape.

Where it was, hanging over the beautiful scene below, the pale, grey moon looked completely harmless.

* * *

 **Author's note**

Hi!

I didn't mange to figure out how to put an author's note on the first chapter, so now I'm just adding one at the end of this document.

That was the second chapter! I hope you liked it! Feel free to let me know what you think :)

I really struggled with writing the Hogwarts grounds. I want this story to be in line with the original Harry Potter books, and wasn't sure how the castle and grounds officially looked. Had to spend some time studying an animation and several pictures of Hogwarts on Pottermore before I (hopefully) got it right. I'm really happy the castle from the movies is cannon, because it looks amazing! ^_^


	3. A Cold Wind Blows (James)

**3\. A Cold Wind Blows (James)**

The afternoon sunlight hit James in the face, as it shone through the high windows running along the classroom walls. He had already tried to wiggle around in his chair in an attempt to find a shadowy spot, but there was none. The hot air was heavy to breath. Opening a couple of windows to let fresh air in seemed like a good idea.

It was only their second day of school, but James was already impatiently waiting for the lesson to end, so that his weekend could start. It was probably because Fridays were his longest days in school. That, along with the stuffy classroom, made him long for some free time.

Sirius, sitting right next to James, was balancing his chair on two of its legs, while steading himself with a hand on the desk in front of him. Remus and Peter sat in the pair of desks on the other side of the aisle.

"As you may notice, the bar to be able to take this class was set lower this year," said Professor Prequan, looking out over the class from where he was standing to the right of his desk, in front of the black board.

He had just finished his introduction of himself, which James hadn't exactly been paying attention to. Now, the professor caught his attention. James stopped sketching on the piece of parchment lying in front of him on the desk, and looked up.

"In the end, school isn't about getting good grades or passing your N.E.W.T. exam," Professor Prequan continued, as he stepped down from the dais at the front of the classroom. "It's meant to prepare you for the real world. At Hogwarts, we feel it's especially important in these times that everyone has knowledge of how to defend themselves against the Dark Arts. Therefore, I have accepted students who have received any of the passing grades. And as you all know, anyone who got a failing grade can retake the O.W.L class. Although that doesn't apply to anyone of you here."

James, Sirius and Remus had all gotten an _Outstanding_ on their O.W.L:s, and Peter had got an _Acceptable_. Along with Charms, Defence Against the Dark Arts was the only class all four of them attended together.

"Before we get into more advanced areas, I will start this course with repeating some basic knowledge that you all need to be able to move forward. Today, we will go over spells covered in your O.W.L. class."

James and Sirius sighed in unison, as Sirius let his chair fall down on all four legs again. James turned his head to look at Sirius, and they shared a quick grin.

James didn't need to go over any old spells. He already knew all of them perfectly.

"This is not meant to take up a large part of this course," Professor Prequan continued, as if he had heard James and Sirius expressing their disapproval. "If anyone have troubles mastering these spells, they will have to practice them outside of class."

Professor Prequan instructed everyone to stand up and form groups of four. James immediately locked eyes with Remus and Peter, who crossed the aisle and joined James and Sirius. Professor Prequan wrote a number of spells with white chalk on the big blackboard, which they were supposed to quickly go through. James, Sirius and Remus had no problem doing so, but Peter struggled with a couple of them. It wasn't like had forgot them over the summer; he had never really managed to get the hang of them the first time around. James, Sirius and Remus spent the rest of the lesson trying to help him, and at the end of it, he had at least been able to cast all of them once.

When the lesson was over everyone started packing up. James fumbled with his bag while keeping his eyes on Lily. Her red, shiny hair was shielding her face from view, as she leaned forward over her bag, putting the school book, her quills, and a bottle of inc inside of it. Her black robes were unbuttoned, and showed off a light-blue sweater and the muggle jeans she was wearing beneath.

"Mate, could you hurry up?" Sirius said quietly, leaning in close to James. He sounded more entertained than annoyed though.

James gave Sirius a playful push before giving his bag his full attention.

James was determined to make Lily like him, but he didn't want to annoy her by keeping on talking to her when she clearly didn't want him to. The problem was that he had no idea how to pull that off if he wasn't allowed to talk.

Lily's read hair disappeared through the doorway.

"Shall we go?" Remus, with Peter by his side, was standing next to James' desk.

"Yep," answered James. He grabbed his bag, and they four of them left the hot classroom.

"Anyone coming with me to the Quidditch pitch?" James asked, as they walked along the corridor.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team had decided to start practice as soon as possible, which happened to be this Friday afternoon.

"Studying," said Remus, to answer his question.

Remus enjoyed Quidditch, and did come to James' practice sessions once in a while, but he probably had plans to continue his attempts casting the multiplying spell.

"I'll come with you," said Peter.

James gave him a small smile. "Sirius?"

Sirius, who was walking alongside James, turned his head to look at him. "Prongs, I have better things to do than watching you score hundredths of goals while fighting an imaginary enemy."

"So you admit I'll score hundreths of goals?" James gave Sirius a teasing smile.

"Did I say score? I meant miss."

Peter laughed.

They had reached the gigantic stairwell, with staircases running along every wall, and several ones moving around in the middle. They walked to a staircase which lead into thin air, and stepped on. Slowly it started to move across the room.

"Look," said Sirius, leaning his arm against the parapet. "I like seeing you play, but I can't really imagine anything more boring than watching a practice session."

"Studying with Remus?" James suggested.

"Perhaps," laughed Sirius.

The staircase stopped with a little shake. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter stepped off, and immediately started to climb the stairs along the left wall.

"Your not going to join me in the library then?" Remus asked Sirius. "You could need some practice as well, you know."

Sirius shrugged. "Sure."

"So you admit you prefer my company?"

"Yeah." Sirius lay a hand on James' shoulder. "Sorry Prongs."

When the four of them reached the Gryffindor Tower, James picked up his team robes and broom, before leaving for the Quidditch pitch together with Peter. The two of them parted outside the dressing room, where James snuck in to change into his scarlet team robes. The rest of the team heartedly greeted him when he entered.

It was just as hot as yesterday. The sun temporarily blinded James when he left the dressing room and stepped out in the bright sunlight. Peter was sitting in the otherwise empty stands, looking out over the the team below. James reached up his hand and waved, and Peter waved back.

Luke, on his knees in front of the chest containing the four balls, was fiddling to get it open. James boarded his broom and kicked off into the air. His other teammates, except Luke, followed him. A refreshing, soft wind swept by James' face as he ordered his broom forward and shot away across the pitch.

James loved flying. It was amazing. The speed gave him a kick, filling him with excitement. Above that, he really enjoyed playing Quidditch. He was one of the team's three Chasers. Their job was to earn the team points by throwing the red Quaffle through one of the opposing team's goal posts as many times as possible. James would love to score enough goals during a game to ensure the Gryffindor team a victory even if he other team's Seeker catched the Golden Snitch. Otherwise, the Chasers job felt kind of meaningless.

James halted at the other end of the pitch and turned around on the spot. Luke had now joined the other ones in the air. He passed the Quaffle to the Chaser Alexandra before disappearing upwards on his hunt for the Snitch. One of the Bludgers suddenly changed course mid-air, and started rushing towards James. Immediately he set off to the left to avoid it, and quickly flew back to his teammates. Their Keeper, Robert, had positioned himself by one set of the golden hoops, and together, the three Chasers started to throw the red ball between them while moving closer to the hoops.

Luke was circulating somewhere above them.

It must be quite boring being a Seeker. James did get the appeal of hunting and catching the Snitch, but the Seeker was separated from the rest of the game. A big part of Quidditch was the team spirit and the interaction with other players. All the encouraging comments screamed to be heard over the loud wind, and the sly taunting between the competing teams. The Seeker missed all the action.

The training continued for an hour. James was soaking with sweat when they were done. He made his way inside the changing room and jumped in the shower. Luke was satisfied with the practice, and gave everyone an encouraging patt on the shoulder as they left and stepped back outside in the bright sunshine.

James and Peter found Remus and Sirius in the library, seated next to each other at one of the dark oak tables. They were the only one there - a luxury they seemed to have taken advantage of, since opens books and piles of buttons was spread all over it.

The library seemed to be rather empty. It was usually later in the year flocks of students flead here, when they, panic-stricken, realized they should have done what Remus and Sirius was doing - started studying from the start of the term.

"I see you made some progress." James nodded towards the identical buttons on the table, as he stepped closer.

Remus smiled. "Mostly Sirius, I'm afraid."

"C'mon Moony, don't be modest," said Sirius, shoving a couple of buttons in Remus' direction. He left them in front of Remus, where some of them balanced on the very edge of the table before falling to the floor with a soft clatter, and disappearing under various bookshelves. "You did some of them."

A more genuine smile filled Remus face. "Well, it's definitely an improvement," he said, sounding pleased.

"Yeah," James and Peter agreed.

James, still standing, leaned in over the table; his hands grabbing the edge for support "I got something for tonight," he said in a hushed voice, even though no one could probably hear them.

Peter, on James' right, leaned in as well.

The four of them had planned to sneak up to one of the towers in the evening, and sit on the roof.

"Yeah?" said Sirius eagerly.

Remus, who had been twirling around the buttons on the table with the tip of his wand, stopped and looked up at James. His eyes contained a flicker of excitement.

"I have some firewhisky."

Peter's lips formed a small smile, as he looked at James; impressed.

Sirius face lit up. "Where did you get that?"

"Might have stolen it from my parents." James grinned.

Remus stared at James with a blank expression. "So, just to be clear: You want us to get drunk on a roof?"

James paused for a moment and shifted his weight. "I admit it's not my brightest idea-"

"And that's saying something", Remus cut him off. "Since your 'bright' ideas really aren't that bright."

"I am bright," James defended himself. "I bet I could multiply one of those buttons right now if I wanted," he added, nodding at the table.

"We're discussing common sense here-"

"But by all means, Prongs," said Sirius cockily, putting his finger on a single button and pushing it towards James. "Go ahead." He raised a challenging eyebrow.

"Okay," said James, being just as confident he would succeed as Sirius was he would fail.

James brought out his wand, pointed it at the button and uttered the spell. When nothing happened Sirius made a mocking laugh.

"I hardly believe Sirius managed on the first try!" James defended himself. "Right, Remus?"

Remus, who had been watching James cast the spell, smiled wryly. "Your putting me in a complicated position", he said. "I don't wanna enlarge Sirius' ego, but on the other hand, I don't wanna encourage your showing off."

"He totally didn't manage on his first try," James decided, tapping his wand against the button. " _Plicamini._ "

Nothing happened. Annoyed, James sighed and sent the button flying across the room with a flick of his wand. It crashed into a bookshelf and dropped onto the floor.

"So back to the being-drunk-on-a-roof-thing." said Remus, sounding like he had to restrain himself from smiling.

"Yes," said James, his gaze leaving the lonely button on the wooden planks.

He was sure he'd get it right soon enough.

"You all in?" James asked.

"Yep," answered Peter.

"Yes!", Sirus excitedly exclaimed. "And Remus you're in too", he declared, turning around in his esat to look at Remus.

Despite trying to hid it, Remus looked rather tempted. "Okay.", he said after a moment's hesitation. "But if we die, remember I told you so."

* * *

Another, cold, fresh wind hit James in the face, making his short, black curls flap around his head. He gazed out over the grounds. The setting yellow sun, hiding behind the clouds, painted the sky a gentle tint of orange, which was reflected in the lake below. The castle and its surroundings had all gained different shades of brown.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had chosen the astronomy tower - it being the highest of the whole school. They were not sitting on the plattform meant for astronomy lessons, however. That would be a cop out. The top of the broad tower ramified into several smaller extensions, so there was several roofs for them to choose from, and they had picked the only one with a somewhat less steep gradient.

"So tell me," Remus suddenly uttered, leaning closer to James, where he was sitting to his left.

James turned away from the beautiful sunset and looked at Remus. His cheeks were coloured soft pink. If it was an effect of the firewhisky or the wind, James couldn't say.

On his other side, James felt Sirius moving closer as well, to hear what they were talking about.

"Why Lily?" Remus continued. "Don't get me wrong, she seems like a nice girl. But she... well sorry, but she kinda detests you. So why do you like her so much?"

James was quiet for a moment. "Remember how she acted around me before that thing with Snape?"

"Could you talk louder?" Peter interrupted, peeking out behind Sirius.

James shot him a glance. "Sorry, Pete."

Remus shifted his eyes. "Was there a difference?"

"Well at least she talked to me."

"It's been two days, Prongs. She might still talk to you," said Remus reassuringly.

The look in Lily's eyes at the end of last year had suggested otherwise.

"I don't think she will." James turned his head to look out over the grounds again.

"So how did she act before?"

"Well," James started, keeping his gaze forward. "Even though she made it clear she thought me to be an arrogant douchebag, we'd have these conversations. More like banters. We actually have a lot in common, and it's so easy to talk to her... I enjoyed it. It was fun. And, she's clever..."

James hadn't thought Lily to be interesting during his first two years at Hogwarts. She was just some girl in his year. But at the end of their third year she caught his interest. She wasn't impressed by him, as many others were, but they started talking; during lessons, a comment here and there as they passed each other in the hallway. They never hung out after school, since Lily stood by the fact that she disliked him, even though she clearly in some way enjoyed their relationship. But then, last year it had all ended.

Despite a, at least, five year long friendship, Snape must never have told Lily about his ongoing conflict with James and Sirius. Thinking back, James ought to have considered it obvious. Lily and Snape had seemed pretty close, so she probably wouldn't have wanted anything to do with James if she'd known. Or, James _knew_ that would have been her reaction, since that was exactly how she felt now. Her playful hate had turned into actual hate.

James looked back at Remus. "I don't know, but... I kinda fell for her. It's not like I'm madly in love or something. I just like her."

"And also, you think she's hot," Sirius smirked.

"Obviously." James sighed. "But now she hates me. And I don't know how to fix that."

"Not getting at Snape seems like a good idea," Remus suggested.

"Well it's too late for that now, isn't it?" James said sarcastically.

"Maybe she's not mad about Snape anymore though," said Peter. "Since she's not friends with him anymore."

"I don't think that matters. It's the principle of it."

James grabbed the bottle with firewhiskey and took another sip. Sirius reached out his hand, and James handed it to him.

"I really wonder why she liked him," James absent-mindedly pondered. "He's a disgusting, racist You-Know-Who-lover. It feels like the kind of person she would dismiss on the spot."

"Do you really think he's a You-Know-Who-supporter?" Peter asked incredulously.

"You heard what he called Lily. And those people he hang out with…"

Snape and his friends didn't exactly keep their opinions or interest of the Dark Arts a secret. They went around the school calling muggle-borns mudbloods, declaring they weren't fit to learn magic.

"They are all totally going to become Death Eaters," James concluded.

"Maybe they already are," Sirius jokingly speculated. "They might be spying on Dumbledore for You-Know-Who."

It was commonly known that Voldemort feared Dumbledore. Killing him must be high on his to-do-list, and it wouldn't just be for personal reasons either. Dumbledore was a key figure in the fight against Voldemort, and he offered a lot of hope to people. Him dead would throw their whole defence off balance.

"In that case, they are not very good at being spies," Remus pointed out with a dry smile. "You'd thought they wouldn't parade their muggle-hate if they were undercover."

James laughed.

"Can I have the firewhiskey?" Remus leaned forward to look at Sirius past James shoulder, and Sirius passed the bottle to him. He chugged some alcohol down his throat.

"But Voldemort totally has real spies," said James. "Maybe not a couple of Hogwarts students, but they are out there."

"That scares me," said Peter in a small voice.

"Yeah, spreading distrust really works in You-Know-Who's favour," said James. "If we don't trust each other we fall apart. And if we _do_ trust someone, but it's the wrong someone, we'll fall apart all the same."

"How poetic, Prongs."

"Shut up, Sirius."

The sun had disappeared behind the mountains, leaving the darkening sky with a hint of pink and yellow. James' body had turned rather stiff, and carefully he started to stretch out his limbs. Remus brought the bottle to his mouth again.

"What if he wins?" Peter's scared voice wasn't more than a whisper.

"He won't win," James declared determinedly.

"You can't know that. Sorry, Prongs, but some reassuring words aren't gonna help."

"I honestly believe he won't win."

When Jame pictured the future, he always imagined Voldemort would be defeated at the end. Dumbledore's side wasn't superior, so he didn't know why he felt that way. It was probably because all he ever tackled himself was the mundane problems in his normal life. His brain probably couldn't handle comprehending such a huge disaster.

"And why is that?" Sirius didn't sound very convinced.

"Grindelwald was defeated," Remus offered.

"Exactly!" James pointed at Remus, as to emphasize what Remus had said.

Sirius shrugged. "Second time's a charm."

"It's 'third time', you idiot," said James.

"Whatever. I'm not so sure we're going to win."

Was Sirius thinking about his family? Being one of the Blacks, Sirius had been presented with a quite different social circle then the rest of them. His family was one of the so called 'Sacred Twenty-Eight', which was the 28 families considered (by racist idiots) to be entirely pureblood. Not all the Sacred Twenty-Eight concerned themselves with their bloodstatus, but in the Black family, it was something to be proud of. They happened to detest muggle-borns, and even half-bloods didn't get a free pass. Sirius had told James, Remus and Peter how his parents, cousins, uncles, and aunts used the word 'unstained' to describe their inheritance. Holding these values as extremely important, the Blacks only socialised with relatives, and other families with the same view of the matter. Meeting all those people growing up, Sirius must feel like the world was crawling with potential Death Eaters.

James' family was different. He was pureblood, but didn't know any relative who was obsessed with making sure it stayed that way. His parents were definitely not Voldemort-supporters. James was happy the Potters hadn't made the list of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (or Sacred Twenty-Nine as it would have been called in that case). He saw how uncomfortable it made Sirius to be on it. Remus, being a werewolf and having a muggle-mother, and Peter, who was half-blood, had, just like James, grown up in more accepting families. To them, the world seemed to be filled with decent people.

Unfortunately, the attention to blood status had been more and more normalised over the years. Hostility against muggle-borns and condescending comments about muggles were becoming more common. In families like the Blacks, Muggle-borns were actually considered to be more of a disgrace than actual muggles. Those families thought wizards and witches to be superior to muggles, but were fine with muggles existing, as long as they stayed in their place. Muggle-borns, on the other hand, were muggles who had weaseled their way into the wizarding world. And that was something unacceptable.

James sighed again, sweeping his eyes over his three friends: a werewolf, a blood traitor, and one scared out of his wits.

"We'll just have to hope I'm right then."


	4. Pets and Beasts (Sirius)

**4\. Pets and Beasts (Sirius)**

Sirius carefully made his way through the dark room; steering around various items scattered on the floor, as he passed by the closed velvet curtains around his friends' beds. The heavy breathing and light snoring indicated James, Remus and Peter were still asleep. Quietly, Sirius opened the door and snuck out into the corridor.

There were two other tired-looking Gryffindors in the shower room. They all greeted each other with a nod - no one really felt like talking - before Sirius stripped and got in the shower. The hot water warming him up made him feel a little better about being out of bed, even though it couldn't entirely replace the soft covers he'd been under a couple of minutes ago.

Alone with his thoughts, Sirius started brooding about Voldemort again. The subject was often in the back of his mind, and had become a constant reason to stress in his life. Except trying to take over the world, Voldemort had made Sirius' family situation tougher than ever. He and his parents' relationship had always been shaky, littered with arguments and disappointed looks. He was the black sheep of the family (pun kinda intended), who opposed basically everything his parents thought and did. It was nothing he did out of spite, but because their opinions and actions were simply _wrong_ : Pure-boods weren't better than anybody else, Slytherins weren't better than anybody else, and children shouldn't blindly obey they parents.

In return, his parents had treated their disrespectful, disobedient disgrace of a son as shit for his whole life. His presence annoyed them, but at the same time, that didn't stop them from trying to control everything in his life. They demanded the right to decide what he could and couldn't do, how he should and shouldn't actact, and who he was allowed socialise with. They would have loved to control his thoughts too, when they were at it, but to their huge disappointment they hadn't been able to. His childhood had been far from ideal. Unloved, and with no friends.

With the rise of Voldemort, so had the discussion about 'the Dark Lord' around the dinner table. Sirius' family's opinions had always annoyed him, but it was at that point he had realized exactly _how_ dangerous such opinions were. Sirius had never worried his parents would actually try to take such extreme measures as murder to create the world they wanted. They were content complaining about it without lifting a finger to do something. Although Sirius didn't admire their laziness, it was comforting to know his parents wouldn't cause any harm (at least not in a major way). But it had turned out they were extremely prepared to stand behind someone who _did_ get off his arse to find a violent solution to their made-up problems.

As the world around them got terrified, Sirius' parents and brother eagerly discussed the Death Eater's progress between bites of food, and praised Voldemort's successes over their morning coffee. _Finally_ , something was happening. _Finally_ , the world was heading in the right direction. Sirius' parents were so proud that Regulus had ambitions to become a Death Eater.

Regulus was definitely the worst part of the whole ordeal. It made Sirius a bit sick to think that his little brother wanted to become _that_. He couldn't be mad at Regulus, though. Regulus was just a 15 year old boy, corrupted by their stupid family. Sirius could thank his lucky stars (pun _definitely_ intended) he'd been spared.

Sirius almost dropped the shower head on the white tile below, when it hit him. What if he could use his family situation to his advantage? The Ministry and the Order of the Phoenix were in need of all the help they could get, and Sirius was sitting on a gold mine.

If Voldemort had spies, why couldn't Dumbledore have as well? As a part of the Black family, Sirius would have a much easier time getting into Voldemort's circles than anyone else. He had loads of connections, and could go undercover as a Voldemort supporter. He could actually do something to fight Voldemort.

The question was how the hell he would convince his family he suddenly had switched side.

After Sirius got out of the shower and dressed himself, he met James and Peter outside the dormitory.

"Is Remus still sleeping?" Sirius asked.

James nodded in response. "We'll go without him."

Remus always became exhausted a couple of days before the full moon. His senses heightened along with the growing fatigue, which Sirius took as a sign the wolf had already started to take over. The wolf probably drained him of all energy since it was needed for the transformation. Those days, Sirius, James and Peter simply let him sleep a lot and tried to assist him in any way they could.

When they returned after breakfast, Remus was still sound asleep in his bead.

"Hey, werewolf," said Sirius, where he was standing next to the sleeping Remus. "Time to get up." He grabbed Remus by the shoulder and gave him a gentle shake.

Remus stirred.

Sirius gave it a second try. "Remus, you gotta get up."

"I don't need breakfast," Remus mumbled into his pillow. "Just go without me."

"Already did," Sirius informed him.

"We brought you some food," James chimed in, where he was standing by the bedside.

"Transfiguration starts in five minutes."

With a unhappy groan, Remus slowly turned around on his back and looked up at his friends.

"Would you rather skip class?" James wondered, leaning in over the bed.

"No, no. I'm coming," Remus signed, holding back a yawn. He managed to get up in a sitting position, and shuffled to the end of the bed, where he remained seated.

James dropped the napkin with food they'd brought with them in Remus' lap. Sirius shifted his weight to sit crossed legged on top of the covers, as Peter settled himself next to them. Remus unfolded the fabric and drowsily started to stuff food into his mouth. James left the three of them and moved around the room; putting the books necessary for today's lessons inside his bag. No one really talked much.

After Remus hastily dressed, Sirius, James and Remus left the Gryffindor Tower and made their way to the Transfiguration classroom. The corridor was empty when they got there, and Professor McGonagall's faint voice sounded on the other side of the closed wooden door. Trying to be as quiet as possible, James opened the door and the three of them snuck inside the classroom.

Professor McGonagall's gaze automatically turned to them when they entered, but she didn't let herself get interrupted, and carried on with her briefing without verbally acknowledging their presence. The class shot looks at Sirius, James and Remus as they sunk down in seats next to the door.

"Now," said Professor McGonagall, after wrapping up the day's lecture. "I want you all to perform the multiplying spell. I will walk around the classroom to observe your work."

Sirius brought out his wand when Professor McGonagall walked passed his desk and handed him a button. With a confident flick, he immediately had two buttons lying on his desk. James managed just as easily. They had all practiced during the weekend, and it hadn't taken long for James to get it right. By Sunday evening, Remus had also been pretty good at it, but now, where he was was leaning against the wall, he didn't seem very aware of his surroundings, and still hadn't managed to multiply the button when Professor McGonagall stopped in front of them.

"Very good, Mr Black and Mr Potter." Even though it was a compliment, her voice sounded stern.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Remus sit up straighter.

Sirius peeked up at her. "Thank you, Professor."

Professor McGonagall swept her eyes over the three of them. "I want to see all of you after class."

Sirius shared a quick glance with James. Professor McGonagall was probably gonna scold them about being late. Although, she usually gave Remus a pass this close to the full moon.

"We're sorry we were late, Professor," said James.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "We had some complications with our... dog." He grinned up at her.

Professor McGonagall, not looking very impressed with his inside joke, turned her attention to Remus. "Was there a serious complication?" Her voice had lost a bit of its edge.

Sirius spotted Lily turning around and shooting them a confused look. She probably wondered why Professor McGonagall was involved in their pet-problems. Sirius couldn't fight a smile, and looked down at the desk to hide it. Being a werewolf teared at Remus, but it did come with some perks as well. It was exciting to have such a big secret, and cryptically talking about it in public cracked Sirius up.

"No," Remus, now looking more awake, assured her. "Just the usual."

"He was only tired," James added.

Professor McGonagall gave a short nodd. "I still want to see you after class. A sick pet is not an excuse."

Her voice got harsh again, but Sirius assumed she didn't actually mean that last part, since _their_ particular pet actually _was_ excused.

"Okay, Professor," said James.

Professor McGonagall's eyes turned to the single button in front of Remus. "Mr Lupin, go ahead," she said, with a little nod of the head.

Remus raised his wand. " _Plicamini._ "

Immediately, the button turned into two.

"Very good, Mr Lupin." Professor McGonagall gave a pleased-looking Remus a small smile, before turning around and walking away from them.

When the lesson was over, Sirius, James, and Remus remained seated as the rest of the class flooded through the doors.

"Hey, Lily," James called out as Lily passed. She turned her head, and, to Sirius surprise, it almost looked as she was about to stop. She seemed to think better of it, however, and left the classroom after a ironic raise of her eyebrows.

"Mr Black, Mr Potter." Professor McGonagall's clear voice caught their attention. She was walking along the aisle in the empty classroom, collecting buttons from the desks "I want to talk to you. Sirius gave Remus a confused look, wondering what he was doing there, then, but Professor McGonagall cut in before he could ask.

"Mr Lupin is only here to throw off suspicion. He has my permission to be late to class."

Sirius turned to look at Professor McGonagall, who had stopped in front of them again.

"You two do not have a chronic condition to excuse such behaviour."

"Professor, they were helping me," Remus protested.

"And that is very kind. But it is bad enough that _you_ miss class, Mr Lupin." Professor McGonagall quietly observed them for a moment. "I won't take away any house point this time," she finally said. "But if it happens again, I will."

Sirius, James and Remus met up with Peter outside the Charms classroom, where they settled themselves on the floor.

"You don't have a dog."

Sirius jerked when Lily's hostile voice interrupted their conversation, and he, James, Remus and Peter all turned up their heads to look at her. Lily and her friends were standing pretty close, and now she leaned over them.

"Huh?"

Sirius couldn't help but smile at James startled expression. He was probably amazed she was even talking to him.

"You don't have a dog," she repeated.

Next to Sirius, Remus tensed up. Even though Lily wouldn't possibly come to the conclusion that Remus was a werewolf, this was close enough for him. Peter looked confused as his eyes shifted between James and Lily. Thankfully, he didn't say anything.

Sirius turned back to Lily. "So? Why do you care?" he said dismissively.

"Professor McGonagall sure seemed to do so," she answered, with a little jerk of her head.

"And that means you should?" Sirius countered snidely.

James made a sudden movement, as if he wanted to stop Sirius from being disrespectful towards his crush.

"Well, why did she let you off the hook?"

"Maybe we aren't the only ones who care about the dog." Sirius grinned up at Lily, who pursed her lips.

"You just said you didn't have a dog."

"I never said that."

Lily paused for a moment, and seemed to decide it wasn't worth pushing the pointless argument. "Dogs aren't even allowed at Hogwarts."

"I have a dog at home," James cut in. He sat up straighter and unconsciously ran his finger though the already messy black hair. "He's just a little sick, that's all."

"Gets sick pretty regularly actually," Sirius added, and immediately got a sharp jab in the side from Remus.

If Remus wanted to avoid suspicion, maybe he shouldn't draw extra attention to Sirius' werewolf-remarks.

Lily didn't seem to notice, though."So Professor McGonagall was okay with you being late to class because you have a sick dog at home?" She still sounded suspicious.

"Who said she was okay with it? She kept us after class didn't she?"

"Look, Lily," Remus chimed in with a lacklustre voice. "We were late, and Professor McGonagall took care of it. That's it. End of story. You shouldn't listen to everything Sirius says."

"Eeeey," Sirius offendedly exclaimed, as Lily's annoyed look turned to Remus.

Even though Remus had nothing to do with the Snivellus-thing, she still seemed to dislike him as much as she did Sirius and James. Perhaps it was because of his mere association with the two of them.

Lily didn't say anything else, but instead turned back to her friends. Peter leaned in closer to James and whisperingly asked what they were talking about.

Tiny Professor Flitwick came walking down the corridor. He opened the door to the classroom, and the Gryffindors started making their way inside. Sirius put his hands on the cold stone floor to steady himself, as he shifted his weight to the feet and stood up. James, Remus and Peter joined him.

"I think your dog wants to keep a lower profile," Remus informed them, as they followed the class through the open door.

* * *

After the Charms lesson, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter headed for the Great Hall to eat lunch. They were walking down a corridor on the second floor when Sirius spotted Regulus. The short, neatly cut black hair and green tie proved Regulus was the one following in mummy and daddy's footsteps.

Sirius and Regulus usually ignored each other these days. They had been good friends when they were kids, before their friendship slowly but surely fell apart. They never really had any arguments, but instead they chose to solve their disagreeing with silence.

But it was not going to stay that way.

How come he hadn't thought of it immediately? If he could get close to Regulus again, he could convince Regulus he had changed, and shared his disgusting values. From there, he could convince the rest of their family as well, and make his way into Voldemort's circles. It would have to be a slow process, but it was the best he'd got.

"Regulus!"

Regulus' dark eyes shot up, and immediately turned suspicious as he watched Sirius walk towards him. James, Remus and Peter went completely quiet behind Sirius. They probably wondered what the hell he was doing.

Regulus wasn't alone, but accompanied by two other Slytherins who looked all but welcoming when Sirius stopped in front of his brother.

"Sirius," said Regulus in a belligerent voice, while his friends condescendingly stared Sirius down.

Having a plan before rushing up to Regulus would have been a good idea.

"How are you?"

Regulus' eyes shifted from hostile to rather baffled, before narrowing again. "Fine…"

"What do you want, Gryffindor?" The Slytherin on Regulus' left interrupted, taking a step forward.

Sirius looked at him brashly. "Am I talking to you?"

On the offence, the guy raised his eyebrows, and opened his mouth to say something, but Regulus beat him to it.

"Sirius, what do you want?" Regulus sounded more tired than anything else. Like he couldn't be bothered.

"I just wanted to talk to you. Is that a crime?"

Regulus was quiet for a moment. He seemed to have trouble deciding if he were to be hostile or confused.

"No," he finally said. "But I need to get going. Bye."

There was a final tone in his voice, and Sirius stayed put as his brother and the two other Slytherin boys turned around and kept walking along the corridor.

"What the fuck, Padfoot."

James, Remus and Peter had joined Sirius. Their expressions ranged from puzzled to disbelieving.

"What was that about?" asked James.

Sirius shrugged. "Nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing," Remus remarked.

"What did you talk about?" Peter asked.

"I just wanted to say hi to my brother, okay?" Sirius irritatedly exclaimed, while defensively raising his hands.

"Okay," James hasily backed down. "Let's go grab some lunch shall we?"

They all hummed in agreement before starting to walk down the corridor in silence.

"How are things at home, Sirius?" said Remus, sounding concerned, as they stepped down the marble staircase.

"Fantastic."

"Seriously." _._

Sirius gave a low-spirited sigh. "As usual. Everyone hates me and wants muggles to die."

"What about your brother?"

They had reached the Great Hall, which was filled with chattering students. The delicious smell of meat stew and freshly baked bread filled Sirius' nostrils.

Sirius lowered his voice before he spoke, even though no one could possibly overhear them in the noisy hall. "He wants to become a Death Eater."

James and Remus made a sudden halt, but quickly came to their senses and kept walking.

"Like…" said James slowly. "Does he literally want to become a Death Eater, or are you exaggerating?"

"Literally," Sirius answered bitterly, as they seated themselves at the Gryffindor table.

"Shit," said Remus.

Sirius gave them a joyless grin. "Yeah."

"Since when?" James asked.

"He started to talk about it this summer."

"But he hasn't joined the Death Eaters yet?" Peter wondered, with big eyes.

"No. Even my parents think he's too young. But they are very supportive of him doing it eventually."

"But your parents aren't thinking of-"

"No. I think they feel very comfortable letting other people do the dirty work," said Sirius sardonically.

"And that includes their son?" Remus looked at Sirius disbelievingly.

"Okay, they don't consider it dirty work," Sirius corrected himself. "They are just not much for legwork themselves. But they admire people who are - like my brother. "

Sirius served himself some stew, and they all chewed in silence for a while.

"So why did you want to talk to Regulus?" Remus asked.

Sirius looked up at his friends. His half-assed plan seemed a bit ridiculous, and it would be kind of embarrassing to share it. Remus wouldn't be very impressed either, thinking it was a stupid idea.

"I just…" Sirius started. He shifted his weight to lean against the elbow he'd rested on the table, and let his hand sweep over the back of his neck. "I thought it might not be too late for him. Maybe he could still change for the better, you know."

As he uttered those words, Sirius realized they weren't a lie. Well, it was, considering that _hadn't_ been the reason he'd talked to Regulus, but Sirius did wish his brother could be saved from their family's claws.

The others mumbled agreeingly.

"So how have you been handling it?"

Sirius steered around in the stew on his plate with the golden spoon.

"Well, staying with James for the most part of the summer helped," he said thoughtfully. "I do argue with them at home. But after a while it just drains you, so I kind of give up."

There had been a lot of screaming, when Sirius tried to put up against them, and the occasional curse thrown his way when his parents considered him too disrespectful. But arguing against them never worked, since they weren't interested in anything he was saying. His family didn't want to be convinced by anything except what they already believed in. In the end, it was easier to stay quiet. That way he could sneak away from the dinner table eventually, without having to be lectured and yelled at.

"I get that." James looked at Sirius sympathetically.

Sirius turned his gaze to the mess of sauce, lettuce and pieces of potato he'd made on his plate. "Yeah."

He had wanted to talk about it with James during the summer, but it had been so much easier having a good time with his friend, than brooding and reminding himself about his problems. But of course, James, Remus and Peter all knew about Sirius' tricky family situation, since he openly bashed about it, and took every opportunity to stay away from home.

Sirius looked out over the Great Hall, and searched for his brother among the Slytherins across the room. He found him sitting next to the two friends from the corridor, happily babbling away. Just a couple of seats away was Snivellus. Regulus and him weren't friends, as far as Sirius knew. But that was just a coincidence. It was not because his brother actively had rejected the greasy company, but because the two of them just hadn't had the pleasure. They were in different years, and had simply bumped into other people instead of each other.

But that was just a coincidence. They could easily have been friends.

His brother and the Snake.

* * *

 **Author's note**

jane turnleaf - thank you for your comment! It made me really happy, and motivates me to keep writing!


	5. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs (J)

**5\. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs (James)**

A soft buzz filled the common room, which was full of Gryffindors; studying or just hanging out. There was hardly enough furniture for everyone, thus some people were sitting in groups on the floor.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had managed to snatch a couch and two armchairs close to the fireplace, from which, orange flames emitted a cozy heat. James was sitting at the end of the sofa, with the sleeping Remus' legs lying over his lap. Sirius and Peter, occupying the armchairs, were eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans from a big box they kept passing back and forth.

James couldn't help but once again glance at Lily across the room. Sitting on the floor, her back leaned against the scarlet wall, she was happily chatting with her friends. She hadn't said anything to him since their conversation about Remus (or a dog, as Lily though) on Monday. But Remus had been right, that night on the roof; she'd talked to him again. Although, maybe that had been the last time.

Remus stirred in his sleep, and James shot him a glance. His skin looked even paler than when they'd settled themselves down about an hour ago. It was good he'd been able to fall asleep, since he always worked himself up before a transformation. Filled with anxiety about the upcoming pain and the mere fact of being replaced by a vicious wolf, he had a hard time relaxing.

"Maybe we should get going?"

James turned to look at Sirius, who gave a meaningful nod in Remus' direction.

"Yeah," James and Peter agreed.

"I'll get the cloak," Sirius informed them, as he stood up. "Wake him up, will you?"

It didn't take more than a second after Sirius left before a fifth-year settled herself in the now empty armchair.

"Hey, Remus." James took a hold of Remus' legs and gave them a light push to make them leave his lap.

Peter stood up as well, before sinking down on his knees in front of Remus and jerking him awake. Dazed, Remus got into a somewhat sitting position, and curled up in the sofa.

"What time is it?" Remus mumbled.

"Around half past seven."

Remus clenched his jaw and gave a hard-set nod, as he sat up straighter. James shot him a sympathetic look.

When Sirius came back, hiding the invisibility cloak under his robes, the four of them left through the portrait hole. James caught a glance of Lily, and he could have swore she was looking in their direction.

They stopped in an empty corridor outside the Gryffindor Tower, where Peter transformed into a rat. James leaned down and held out his hand, and Peter skitterd up his arm and settled himself on James' shoulder. It was much more practical to move around under the invisibility cloak with Peter in animagus-form, since he was such a tiny animal. Sirius dug out the cloak and threw it over himself, James and Peter. The soft, surprisingly heavy fabric covered James from head to toe. James could see Remus next to them through the dark film covering his eyes.

They started to walk in silence, and soon reached Professor McGonagall's office. Remus shot a look behind him, missing James, Sirius and Peter by an inch, before turning around and giving the solid wooden door a sharp knock. Professor McGonagall quickly opened it.

"Good evening, Mr Lupin."

"Good evening Professor," Remus mumbled; his gaze fixed on her shoulder, instead of looking her in the eyes.

"Let's go, shall we?" Her hand did a sweeping motion towards the empty corridor.

Remus gave a short nod, as Professor McGonagall stept out of her office along with Madam Pomfrey. James and Sirius, with Peter still on James' shoulder, followed them through the castle's corridors, down the marble staircase, and across the grounds. Sick- and pale-looking, Remus stayed quiet, as he let his eyes worriedly sweep over his surroundings. Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall let him be, as they quietly chatted with each other.

The tunnel which lead to the Shrieking Shack was hidden at the base of the Whomping Willow - a vicious tree eger to thomp down anyone who came too close. It had been planted for Remus' sake. This way no one else would find the passegeway. Professor McGonagall bewitched a branch to levitate, and made it press the knot on the Willow which made the tree temporarily go still. The six of them made their way into the tunnel.

Inside the Shrieking Shack, James, Sirius and Peter pressed themselves into a corner, where Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey, hopefully, wouldn't stumble upon them. Remus seated himself on the dusty bed. Distant looking, he stared at the empty wall in front of him while Madam Pomfrey checked his pulse and body temperature to make sure everything was normal. That was, normal for a werewolf about to transform. Apparently, Remus' pulse and body temperature both skyrocketed soon before he turned.

"Everything looks good," Madam Pomfrey calmly concluded when she was done. "Would you like something, dear? A glass of water perhaps?"

Remus shook his head, looking like he struggled to keep what was already inside of his stomach.

"Then we'll leave you," said Professor McGonagall.

Remus nodded stiffly.

"I'll come and get you tomorrow morning," Madam Pomfrey reminded him softly.

As soon as the two women left, James grabbed hold of the invisibility cloak to reveal himself, Sirius and Peter. Remus hardly looked at them. With the help of his wand, James loosened one of the floor planks and hid the cloak underneath.

On the bed, Remus had started to remove the layers of clothes, which landed in a messy pile on the floor. Remus grabbed one of the blankets on the bed and wrapped himself up in it before removing his underwear as well. With one hand firmly gripping the fabric, Remus rose and bought the clothes with him to the open floor plank, where he dropped them. James fastened the plank again. Now the cloak and Remus' clothes were out of harm's way.

Remus retook his position on the bed, cowering as he grasped the edge of the blanket. Peter quickly made his way over the floor to sit next to Remus.

James took a hesitant step towards the Shack's entrance. "Remus, are you sure we shouldn't…?"

"No," Remus responded in a low voice. "I'll stay here tonight. Like I'm supposed to."

During the second half of their last year, James, Sirius and Peter and started to sneak a turned Remus out of the Shrieking Shack. They had done it because it seemed exciting and fun, because they were sure they could handle a werewolf. There had not been a noble reason to do it, until they discovered it actually helped Remus.

Werewolves in their wolfish form had an instinct to attack and bite humans. Being locked up in the Shack, Remus could do no such thing. That was, of course, a good thing, but it did mean Remus, out of despair, hurt himself instead. But when they had started bringing Remus out to the Hogwarts grounds, he had stopped clawing at himself. It was probably because the new surroundings to explore was interesting enough to distract him from the lack of victims there was for him to put his teeth in. In the small Shack he'd seen hundreds of times before, on the other hand, that seemed to be the only thing on his mind.

But this year, Remus had made it clear he would stay in the Shrieking Shack.

"But it would help you-"

"Not if we're attacked by Death Eaters."

"You would probably be the one doing the attacking," Sirius pointed out.

"Just… no," Remus sighed. "Taking me out there… we were being stupid. What if I would have hurt someone?"

"You didn't," Sirius pointed out.

"Remember the time we went to Hogsmeade?" Remus asked rhetorically, with a sarcastic raise of the eyebrows.

One time last year, Remus had sat off towards Hogsmeade. James, Sirius and Peter had let him. James and Sirius transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a werewolf in check, and the village was sleeping anyhow. But it had turned out not everyone had gone to bed. Suddenly, Remus had sensed a wizard, perhaps out on a midnight stroll, and made a run for it. James and Sirius had been able to stop him in time, to the cost of a couple scratches. But they had been cutting it close. Even if Remus hadn't killed or bitten the guy, he could still have been seen. None of those were very good options. But that was one time, and they had manage to handle the situation.

"Well…" Sirius traded off. "Well, you didn't that time either."

"It was too close." Remus tone was final. "And I hurt you. Those scars will never heal, you know." He paused for a moment, eying them closely. We'll stay here tonight, okay?"

"Okay," said James. He rather agreed with Sirius, but being the werewolf, Remus oughta have the final say.

James tucked away his wands in his robes, before transforming.

James' transformations were so very different from Remus'. His was over in a split second, and it wasn't painful or energy-consuming. And he was still himself. When Remus turned into a wolf, he lost all sense of who he was.

James still hadn't quite gotten used to having hooves and antlers, not to talk about managing four legs instead of two. It wasn't difficult to walk or anything, but mentally it kind of messed with his head. It wasn't weird in a particularly bad way. It was cool to be able to turn into an animal, but it was still, in fact, weird. At least, this gave him some more insight into Remus' day-to-day life.

Sirius, now in the form of a large black dog, jumped up on the bed and stroked himself against Remus. Absent-minded, Remus lifted his hand and ran his fingers through the fluffy fur. James made his way over to the bed as well, where he remained standing. None of James, Sirius or Peter had the ability to talk, and since Remus wasn't exactly in the mood for a conversation, they waited in silence.

James wasn't sure how much time had passed when Remus' heavy breathing suddenly hitched. James head automatically turned to look at him, as Peter disappeared from the bed, and Sirius slowly started to back away. Remus took a final, deep breath, before a blood-chilling scream left his lips. He fell forward, his hands instinctively shooting out to cushion the collision. He drew a raspy breath before screaming again, now digging his fingers into the bed covers below.

James hurriedly followed Sirius lead, backing away, as he watched his friend twist in pain while screaming his lungs out. James, Sirius and Peter gathered at the other end of the Shack. Even though werewolves weren't dangerous to animals, they didn't want to be close to Remus while he transformed. Being in agony, it didn't really matter to the wolf who was near him - human or animal - as he clawed the air around him.

Remus' screams were abruptly cut off. His figure had started to grow, as his human limbs were replaced by the wolf's. Soon, a clear, loud howl filled the house, as the big wolf rose from under the blanket and stood up on its four legs, its open jaws turned towards the ceiling.

The wolf never seemed to suffer from the pain its human counterpart had just moments ago. It was always weird to witness the very moment Remus mind switched to the wolf's. It was like pressing an off-button.

The lissom wolf stopped howling, and made a pliable jump down from the bed. For a moment, his dark eyes rested on James, Sirius and Peter. He didn't seem to find them very interesting, however, and soon turned his attention elsewhere. The wolf's heavy, steady breathing was the only thing James could hear as he cautiously observed him.

James was sure Remus recognized them. He knew they were the same animals visiting him every month. Werewolves were intelligent, and besides, the first time they ever had stayed with Remus, he had been far more interested in them. Now they were old news, and that was clearly why he didn't pay them any attention. It hadn't been funny at the time, but when James thought back to their first ever meeting with the werewolf, he smiled inwards.

Remus had watched them closely and uttered a growl, as he'd tramped up to them. Terrified the werewolf wouldn't be fooled by their animagus-forms, James, Sirius and Peter had backed up against the wall, panic-stricken trying to come up with an escape plan. Remus had walked right past James and Peter, and walked up to Sirius, who'd pressed himself even tighter against the wall. Remus had let out a more powerful growl as the dark eyes had stared the black dog down.

Instinctively, Sirius had cowered; trying to make himself as small as possible as he turned his gaze to the floor. As Remus hovered over Sirius, James had been pretty sure their group were about to acquire a second werewolf, or lose one member entirely. But Remus had leaned down to friendly nibble on Sirius' face. Apparently, that was how wolves show affection. Being a dog, Sirius seemed to be close enough to a wolf for Remus to accept him. Wolves were herd animals, and maybe Remus was starving for family members, and Sirius had had to do. Thankfully, Remus hadn't pierced Sirius skin as he bit him. If Remus' saliva had mixed with Sirius blood, than Sirius had been a lost cause. That was how a werewolf spread its condition.

James let go of the memory and returned to the present. Remus seemed to have finished his exploring of the house, and now he turned to James, Sirius and Peter. Sirius took a step in the werewolf's direction. When Remus didn't do any rapid or threatening movement, Sirius kept walking. When he reached the werewolf he carefully stroke his head against his. Remus gave a short yelp, assumingly his way of greeting his one and only flock-member. After that, he seemed to be over and done with Sirius. The wolf swept his eyes over James with Peter on his back. Peter was always scared when they spent the night with the transformed Remus. Even though Remus didn't actively try to hurt them, he could easily harm such a small animal as a rat by mistake. Remus had assured Peter he didn't have to be there, but bravely, Peter returned every month.

James eyed the big werewolf. He could hardly tell the difference between Remus and a regular wolf. It was in behaviour they really differed. Remus, with an assorted fur of white, grey, light brown and black, looked truly magnificent. Wolves were beautiful creatures, and Remus was no exception.

By now, Remus' patience seemed to have reached its limit. He had started to impatiently scratch his paws against the shack's walls, leaving long claw marks in the wood. A threatening growl rose in his throat, as he more viciously tried to escape his prison. It didn't take long before his claws were tearing up his own skin, as well as the walls and furniture. Incapable of coming to Remus' aid, James helplessly watched as streaks of thick, red blood made its way through Remus' fur and dripped down on the floor.

Why didn't he attack them instead? Even if Remus thought James, Sirius and Peter too be animals, surely they must be a more tempting target than his own body? Perhaps Remus would have some insight about that. Even though his mind caved to the wolf during the full moon, Remus still had full knowledge about everything that had been taking place. Maybe he would know how the wolf reasoned.

As far as James remember, Remus had never hurt himself so bad as he did now. Not even before they had started to let him run free. Maybe the werewolf had gotten so used to being outside, that staying inside the Shrieking Shack was worse than it had been from the start.

James hoped Remus would calm down, at least momentarily. That way he could try to interfere, and make Remus focus on something else than to tear himself into pieces. But right now, when Remus was being so aggressive, James didn't dare to get closer. And even if he wanted to break his promise to Remus and let him out of the Shack, he couldn't. To do that he would have to take human form and use his wand, and that would not be a good idea.

Occasionally, James, where he was staying close to the wall, shot a look out the window. That way he was able to keep track of the time. The moon steadily, and extremely slowly, made its way over the black sky.

Eventually, Remus' growling quieted down, and was replaced by a desperate howling. His fur was filled with sticky lumps of coagulated blood, and some of his wounds were still bleeding heavily. Remus walked away from the wall he'd been scraping at, and with a loud thump he lay down on the cold floor in the middle of the room. His heavy breathing was repeatedly interrupted by him howling, while he scratched his sharp claws against the planks. Carefully, James and Sirius both trudged towards the hurt wolf. Remus didn't seem to want them there though, as his jaws snapped after them when they came close. James and Sirius immediately jumped back, and after that they kept their distance.

Where he was laying, bleeding and carefully licking his wounds, the werewolf looked so harmless. It felt impossible he would turn into a vicious animal once again if James took human form. Not that James was going to test that theory. He knew Remus was in fact very dangerous, but he felt so awful and scared just standing in a corner as the pool of blood around Remus grew bigger and bigger.

When the sky started to retake a faint blue shade, James was about to collapse from exhaustion. Peter had already fallen asleep, and lay curled up behind Sirius. The werewolf seemed to sense the day was coming. After being somewhat quiet for a while, he suddenly snapped his head upwards and howled loudly. Remus started to stand up on all four, his claws creating a clicking sound as his paws gripped the hard surface under him for support. James could no longer spot the moon from where he was standing, and the sky was quickly starting to light up.

A yelp of agony escaped Remus, as he suddenly lost balance and fell back down on the floor. He started to howl again, as his body began to shake viciously. The wolf shrank, and suddenly, a very human scream erupted from the figure on the floor. Quickly, James transformed and rushed up to Remus along with Sirius and Peter.

Hunched down, the hyperventilating Remus let out a sob. His body was shaking. Afraid to hurt him even more, James didn't dare to touch him. It was Madam Pomfrey who had a string of potions to help with the pain and blood loss. Unsuccessfully, Remus' human nails tried to grip onto the planks. He gave a harsh-sounding cough, spitting out a fair amount of blood on the already red floor, before he fell back down and went completely still.


	6. Scars, Scribbles and Serpents (Remus)

**6\. Scars, Scribbles and Serpents (Remus)**

Remus let out a weak sigh. He stared up at the beautiful stone design the ceiling high above him offered. It was difficult though, since his eyelids seemed determined to stay closed, keeping him in a dark haze. Remus' head throbbed slightly and his whole body was rather stiff. He tried to change his position to lay on the side, but his limbs wouldn't cooperate. His body felt so heavy, and after a few failed attempts, he had to realize moving wasn't an option.

He opened his eyes again.

The part of the Hospital Wing he was lying in was a big, rectangular stone hall. Along the two long walls, which were adorned with high windows, ran two rows of white hospital beds. When Remus managed to turn his head to the side he could see all of the beds on his right were empty.

Remus always ended up in the Hospital Wing after a full moon. Other students might show up in here once a year because they catched a cold or something, but Remus regularly returned. With at least a couple new scratches every time after a transformation, he was in need of Madam Pomfrey's care. She usually patched him up before sending him off to the Gryffindor tower to rest. It didn't seem like that would happen this time, however. To get to the Gryffindor Tower Remus would have to be able to move.

The sound of footsteps made Remus turn his head to the left. Madam Pomfrey's blurry figure of white and red was walking towards him. He blinked up at her as she stopped next to the bed. Without saying anything, she leaned forward and stuck one hand behind his head, rising it a bit above the pillow.

"Here you go," she mumbled, bringing a bottle to Remus' face and emptying its content in his mouth.

A wave of relish came over Remus as the potion allayed the soreness in his limbs, and left him with a soft dizziness. Madam Pomfrey gently lay his head back on the pillow.

"How are you feeling?" she wondered.

Remus tried to speak, but nothing came out. He took a deep, shaky breath.

"Dizzy," he manage to whisper. "I can't move."

"Don't worry about that, dear. That's just the potion," said Madam Pomfrey calmingly.

Remus wanted to tell her he hadn't been able to move before she gave him the potion, but it wouldn't come out. Madam Pomfrey seemed to have started to float away.

"Are you in pain?"

"No," Remus said hoarsely, as his eyes shut themselves again. "Madam Pomfrey?"

"Yes?"

"I can't move."

Remus tried to open his eyes. He couldn't do that either. Somewhere inside him, a burning flicker of panic lit up. "I can't move." He drew a trembling breath.

"I promise you you'll be able to move again," Madam Pomfrey said in a clear voice. "The potions I've given you are temporarily numbing your body. You were badly hurt."

Remus' breathing become somewhat more even again.

Last night started to come back to him. Usually he remembered everything the wolf had seen, but now he only caught blurry glimpses; a burning anger, his claws leaving deep cuts in a wooden wall, a desperate need to get out.

And pain. Memories of a sharp aching tearing him apart suddenly soured through him.

"What time is it?" Remus whispered.

"About nine."

There was quiet for a moment. Had she left?

"Would you like me to give you something to help you sleep?"

"Yes, please," Remus whispered.

The tapping sound of her shoes against the stone floor became distant as she walked away. Remus didn't try to open his eyes. Soon he heard her coming back. Her hands grabbed the back of his head again.

"Open your mouth, dear."

Remus did as he was told. This potion was much thicker than the last one, and Remus had trouble swallowing it. It had a faint taste that reminded him of tar.

* * *

"Mr Lupin is sleeping."

All Remus could see was a soft orange colour. It covered his eyes. There was nothing else. Just orange.

"Please, Madam Pomfrey, we just want to see that he is okay."

That was Sirius.

"I can assure you he is okay."

Remus opened his eyes. A streak of sunlight lay across his bed, and shone him in the face. Remus felt numb, but to his relief he was able to move, although still being pretty out of it. Remus steadied himself on his hands and managed to get up in a sitting position.

"Remus!"

Remus turned his head to his right and spotted James, Sirius and Peter standing in the aiel next to Madam Pomfrey. Without waiting for her promotion, they rounded her and walked up to Remus' bed.

"Hi." James' eyes looked concerned as he took Remus in.

"How are you?" Sirius blurted out.

"Tired," Remus breathed, rubbing his forehead.

"There was-" Peter began fantly. "There was so much blood..."

Remus swallowed. Exactly how bad had it been?

He turned to Peter. "I'm okay," he assured him.

At least he felt okay at the moment. He wasn't in any pain, and his body was much lighter now. He also had complete faith in Madam Pomfrey's healing abilities. There was no harm done.

Except…

Automatically, Remus brought a hand to his face and carefully touched it, searching for any new scares. He didn't like to get scars anywhere on his body, but at this point his arms, chest and back were lost causes. One scar more or less wouldn't hurt (well, literally it would obviously hurt). His face, on the other hand, was pretty much untouched, and he really wanted it to stay that way. The logical reason was that he couldn't hide the scars on his face, and they would therefore attract more attention, but his desire to keep a clean face was rather ruled by emotions. He didn't want to be ugly; deformed by his own making.

"Your head's fine." James' expression revealed he didn't consider the rest of Remus' body to have been so lucky.

Madam Pomfrey strolled up next to James, Sirius and Peter.

"You should lay down," she told Remus, shooting the others a disapproving look. "Your friends are leaving anyway."

"I actually feel much better," Remus told her, wishing his friends could stay so that he had someone to talk to.

Madam Pomfrey looked stern. "I'll be the judge of that." She reached out her hand, putting it on Remus' chest, and gently forced him back down in the bed. "You wanted to see how he was," she continued, turned to James, Sirius and Peter. "Now you have. Go and get yourself some lunch."

James, Sirius and Peter gave an irritated murmur, but soon Madam Pomfrey had shooed them away from his bed. Remus followed the pattern on the ceiling with his eyes to entertain himself. The door slammed shut, and soon Madam Pomfrey was back at his bedside.

"Are you hungry?"

Remus shook his head. "No."

"Do you feel okay with talking with me for a bit?"

Remus frowned and shot her a confused look. "Okay."

Madam Pomfrey sat down on a chair next to the bed.

"Everything seemed normal last evening," she started in a calm voice. "But obviously, I was wrong. Your injuries are far more severe than usual. Has it been like that all summer?"

"No."

Now it was Madam Pomfrey's turn to frown. "Can you think of any reason you would have acted different tonight?"

He had been fine all summer -fine by his standards, that was - so why he would suddenly act out in such a manner was beyond Remus.

Last night he had been filled with the desire to _bite_ , to _tear_. Stronger than usual. It had driven him mad that there was no one to claw at.

Except him, that was.

"No."

"Do you want some water?"

"Yes, please."

Madam Pomfrey grabbed a glass of water standing on the nightstand behind the bed and handed it to Remus. He took a couple of sips. Some of the water must have landed in his windpipe, and Remus got a mild fit of coughing. The glass suddenly disappeared from his hand.

"Now I want you to rest." Madam Pomfrey stood up.

Remus gazed up at the ceiling again.

"Okay."

He didn't feel very sleepy this time, while still being exhausted. It was an annoying combination, since Remus didn't exactly feel like lying still doing nothing for hours. He was tempted to ask Madam Pomfrey to anesthetize him again, but she probably wouldn't want to use a potion when he no longer was in desperate need of one.

Remus wasn't sure how much time had passed. The sun was still shining in through the windows, but it had moved away from his particular bed. Madam Pomfrey had long ago stepped into her office, and Remus hadn't seen her since. His throat was dry. Slowly, he sat up and reached out for the glass on the nightstand, chugging some of it.

There was a sudden shrieking noise, which made Remus jerk and turn his head to find its source. A black owl Remus recognized as his parents' was flying outside the window across the hall. It was holding a white envelope in its claws and repeatedly bumped into the glass to attract attention.

Remus lifted back the covers, turned his legs over the edge of the bed, and let his feet sink down to the cold floor. Standing up, Remus realized he still was far from recovered. His numb boddy throbbed slightly, and his vision was temporarily replaced with flashes of white. Remus stayed still, gripping the bed for support, until he was able to see again. He took a deep breath. At least he wasn't hurting.

Cautiously, Remus made his way across the empty room and opened the window. The owl flew inside and landed on his left shoulder, before dropping the envelope in Remus' palm.

"Thanks, Noctua," Remus whispered, stroking the owl's soft feathers.

The owl hooted softly, before leaving the way it came. Remus closed the window and made his way back to the bed, where he quickly snuck under the covers. Remus opened the envelope and found a letter inside.

It was from his mother. The majority of the letter consisted of light-hearted questions and descriptions of what Hope and Lyall had been up to. The main reason for her to write though, was demonstrated in the very last line.

 _I hope everything went well last night._

 _Love,_  
 _Hope_

They always wrote to Remus the night after the full moon. It was a nice gesture, and usually it made him feel a little better.

 _I'm sorry, mum. Not this time_ Remus thought to himself.

* * *

Remus slowly made his way down the marble staircase, his left hand sweeping along on the cool stone parapet. It was dinner time, and, except for a couple of latecomers, the Entrance Hall was empty. A loud buzz made its way through the big, open doors which lead to the Great Hall.

It had taken a lot of convincing, but in the end, Madam Pomfrey had agreed to let him eat dinner in the Great Hall. But afterwards he were to head right back to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey didn't need to worry he'd break his word, since his heavy body was already trying to press him to the floor. But he wanted to see his friends.

Remus made his way inside the Great Hall and walked towards the Gryffindor table. James and Peter were facing in his direction, and they both looked surprised when he stopped next to them.

"Remus?" James blurted out.

Sirius immediately turned around in his seat.

"Hi," Remus greeted them in a quiet voice.

Sirius moved a bit to the right on the long bench, and Remus was able to squeeze himself between Sirius and a Gryffindor girl.

"How are you feeling?" James whispered as he leaned in over the table.

"Did you run away from the Hospital Wing?" Sirius smirked.

Remus reached after the ladle in the big cauldron on the table. "Let's say I'm on probation," he said, as he started to serve himself some tomato soup.

Sirius grinned.

"I'm just tired," Remus answered James' question.

Some of their classmates shot Remus curious looks. None of them could hardly escape noticing something was up with him, since he was 'sick' so often. Thankfully, no one paid enough attention to notice the highly odd correlation that occured.

Remus started to eat. The hot soup was the first bit of food he'd had all day.

"And how are you holding up?" Remus asked, after they all had been silent for a while.

Sirius gave an ironic laugh. "Remus, I think that question was directed at the wrong person."

"You were up all night too," Remus remarked. "And you weren't allowed to skip class."

James gave a more genuine laugh. "Peter actually fell asleep in class."

Peter smiled sheepishly as Sirius snorted.

"You don't have to stay with me," Remus seriously reminded them. "It obviously didn't help anyway."

"It's because you need to get out," James whispered intensely, leaning in even closer.

Remus grimaced. "I don't know…"

"Remus," Sirius cut in sharply. "You didn't see yourself. You can't go on like that."

Remus stopped. He tried to search among his dim memories of the past night. Everything seemed to be in a haze.

"Exactly…" Remus began hesitantly. "Exactly how bad was it?"

James and Sirius shared a glance.

"During the last hours you were just laying on the floor, trying to take care of all your wounds," James gravely informed him.

Remus couldn't remember a single full moon where he'd spent even a moment resting.

"Oh."

"Yeah," James said meaningfully.

Remus blinked and looked down at the table. Faint memories of washing his fur rose to the surface of his mind. That was a bad sign. Werewolves weren't the creature to satisfy themselves with a nap the one time a month they were let out.

"So you need to get out of the Shack."

"And how do you know getting me outside would help?"

"It's my theory-"

"Well, great, James. Let's make decisions based off of a hunch," Remus sarcastically exclaimed quietly.

"Remus," James continued. "Since we started taking you outside last year, how many times did you hurt yourself? Like once a night?"

Remus looked at James in silence as he contemplated his argument. It was true he hadn't hurt himself while roaming the Hogwarts grounds. Finding a human to bite hadn't been as important, since there were other things to do. Before James, Sirius and Peter started taking Remus out of the Shrieking Shack Remus had thought a turned werewolf only had one interest at heart, which was to spread its deceice, but that was far from the truth. He truly remembered the rush of excitement and joy when the wolf had been let out of the Shack. Werewolves were more complex than he had imagined, and apparently held other interests than their violent ones.

"And you were trying to get out last night," James added. "It was when you didn't succeed you started going crazy.

Remus averted his gaze again, feeling his pale cheeks blushing.

The fact that they had watched him completely lose control made him feel very exposed. Not that the situation was very glamorous to begin with, but this was more embarrassing than usual.

"But I didn't go outside during my transformations this summer," said Remus. "So why did I act out now?"

"Maybe it wasn't as much about getting out in general as it was specifically getting out to the Hogwarts grounds?" James suggested. "You missed it."

Remus stared at him. James seemed to think along the same lines - considering the wolf to be more than a beast - which was comforting. It made Remus feel like less of a monster.

"Perhaps," Remus mumbled.

"Maybe we could talk to Professor McGonagall about it, if you want someone's permission. Tell her you need more space. Perhaps they could let you out in the forbidden forest?" Sirius suggested.

Remus forced a laugh, as he turned his head up to look at his friends. "And exactly how had you planned to motivate that to Professor McGonagall? You definitely won't be able to use James' arguments on her. That would just be a tiny bit revealing of what we get up to."

"She knows you were worse this time. And even if I skip over the part about how we've been sneaking you out, it's not such a far leap to realise a werewolf needs more than just a small cottage. It's like when a pet-owner keeps their animal in a too small cage."

"Animal cruelty," James filled in.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "You're obviously not meant to be held like that."

"No, I'm meant to kill and spread my disease. But sometimes we don't get what we want," Remus snapped.

"So you prefer to get your chest ripped open?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"I prefer not to hurt anyone."

"Well you are hurting someone," James chimed in.

Remus sighed.

"Look, what Sirius said isn't that dumb-" James began.

"Thank you, Prongs."

"The forbidden forest is big, and no students are let out at night," James continued. "There is no one there you could hurt.

"There are centaurs," Remus unenthusiastically reminded them.

"So?" said Peter.

"What do you mean 'so'?" said Remus disbelievingly.

"Well…" Peter seemed to regret he'd spoken. "They are not human, so maybe you wouldn't mind them in wolf form?"

"They might mind him though," said James thoughtfully. "They wouldn't be very happy with a werewolf running around their territory. And they could hurt Remus."

"That's true," Sirius agreed unhappily.

Remus remembered the soup on his plate, and took a spoonful. it was rather lukewarm by now.

"But we have to find a solution." Sirius prompted. "Remus, otherwise you might kill yourself by accident."

Remus shot Sirius an unsure glance. "Yeah," he mumbled. "I'll think about it."

That was a lie, since Remus had already made up his mind. He didn't want to get hurt, but he couldn't risk biting someone. He could never spread his condition to anyone else. That would mean sentencing them to a life of rejection, isolation, pain and self-loathing. That some witches and wizards would prefer death to lycanthropy said a lot about how awful it was.

Remus suddenly felt extremely tired. He put his spoon down and attempted to stand up. "I think I need to lay down," he explained to three pair of wondering eyes.

Sirius made an attempt to stand up as well, but Remus waved him off.

"I'll be fine."

Sirius didn't look completely convinced, but sank back down in his seat.

"See you later."

"See you later," James, Sirius and Peter echoed.

Remus turned around and made his way through the loud room. The Entrance Hall on the other side of the doors was pleasantly quiet. Remus allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment. His head head had started to throb heavily.

"Lupin!"

Remus opened his eyes and spun around. Snape, seemingly coming from the Great Hall, was walking towards him, flanked by two other Slytherins. Remus quickly scanned the area around him. Except the four of them, the Entrance Hall was completely empty. Snape stopped in front of Remus with a grin.

James and Sirius were not afraid of Snape, on the contrary they enjoyed butting heads with him, but that could not be said for Remus. Knowing Snaped loathed him as much as he did James and Sirius had always made run-ins with him uncomfortable, but this year Snape's hate was on a whole other level, and he wasn't the person who refrained from cursing his opponent. And he had given Remus those weird stares...

"You missed potions today."

It was extremely surreal the hear Snape utter those words. By removing the malicious tone in his voice, it could easily have been mistaken for a friendly exchange.

"I was sick," Remus answered hostiley, on guard.

What would he do if Snape attacked him? He was exhausted, his head aching, his body still mildly numb. If it came to it he wouldn't be able to fight back.

"You seem to get sick rather often," Snape remarked.

Remus froze, his heartbeat picking up.

If Snape knew...

Snape looked pleased, as he took another step forward.

"I guess I have a bad immune system," Remus said eventually.

"I guess you do," Snape smiled.

Remus started at him.

"What do you want, Snape?"

"I want to know what you and your friends are up to." Snape tilted his head slightly to the side.

The tiniest wave of relief gushed over Remus. At least Snape didn't know he was a werewolf. Not yet. But he was trying to find out. It was just a matter of time...

"Well, good luck with that," Remus snapped, and took a step towards the marble staircase.

Snape paraded him and blocked the way. Remus started at him in disbelief.

"What kind of illness did you have?" Snape asked silkily.

Remus missed a beat.

"Fever."

Snape's lips curled into a smile. Remus drew a sharp breath, and unconsciously took a step back.

Suddenly, Snape's eyes turned from triumphantly to baffled, as he stared at Remus' chest. Automatically, Remus looked down. It was hard to miss the red streak of blood which painted the fabric of his light-grey sweater.

"Shit," Remus exclaimed, momentarily forgetting about Snape, as he covered the blood with the palm of his hand.

Remus' head shot up to look at Snape again. Snape's narrowed eyes looked genuinely bewildered as he stared at Remus.

 _Shit_

"I… I need to go," Remus mumbled, unsure why he even excused himself to Snape and his silent crew.

With one hand still pressed against the red fabric, Remus passed Snape, who didn't try to stop him, and ran up the marble staircase. He rushed through several corridors, wanting to put as much distance between himself and Snape as possible, before the world around him started to spin.

Remus stopped and drew a shaky breath. He stumbled towards one of the corridor's walls, and softly collided with it. He sank down on the floor as his knees folded themselves under him. Remus was breathing heavily. He leaned his head back against the cold stone behind and closed his eyes. His heart furiously hammered in his chest. Remus tried to focused on his breathing, hoping the world would stop spinning.

When his heartbeat had found a more stable rhythm, Remus opened his eyes. Thankfully, the corridor was empty. Remus turned his gaze to his blood-soaked sweater. One, or several, of the wounds must have reopened.

The Hospital Wing was so far away.

Remus closed his robes to hide the blood, and attempted to stand up. Another flash of white temporarily shielded the corridor from view. With gritted teeth, Remus then started making his way to the Hospital Wing. This time he walked very slowly.

When he finally got there, Madam Pomfrey was not pleased. She sternly observed his peaky appearance, where he was standing outside in the corridor.

"I want you in bed right away," she told him, stepping aside to let him pass through the doors into the Hospital Wing.

Remus remained standing as Madam Pomfrey closed the doors behind him. When she turned around and found he hadn't moved, she raised her eyebrows.

"Now, Mr Lupin."

Remus didn't exactly know how to break the news to her. She would not be happy. His shaking fingers fumbled with the button on his robes as he tried to work it open. When he did, he let the fabric slide over his shoulders and drop to the floor. Remus gasped when he was meet with a sweater drained in red.

Without saying a word, Madam Pomfrey immediately got to work. She left Remus where he was, as she whirled across the room, soon coming back with a handful of potions and a small wooden box.

"Drink this," she said in a restrained voice, handling him one of the bottles. Remus quickly chugged the liquid down his throat.

Madam Pomfrey coaxed the bloody shirt off of Remus and let it fall to the floor. She removed the blood covering his chest with a neat flick of her wand. Staring down at his clean torso, Remus could easily spot the long, fresh cut that ran across his upper chest. Blood had already started to seep out of it again. That was the only wound that had reopened, but there was at least a dozen more pink scratches embellishing his already ragged chest.

"You need to lie down," Madam Pomfrey informed him, holding up the small box she'd brought with her.

Remus nodded and made his way over to his bed. He knew the boxed contained a mixture of powdered silver and dittany - something that could seal a wound caused by a werewolf. Remus climbed into the bed and lay down on his back. He couldn't help but hiss in pain as Madam Pomfrey sprinkled the powder over his wound. The moment after, it stopped bleeding. Madam Pomfrey flicked her wand again to remove the new blood which had gathered on Remus' skin.

She handed him a second potion. "Drink this."

When Madam Pomfrey was done with him, she turned out the lights with a quick spell. Remus could still distinguish his surroundings in the now dim hall, although most of the furniture weren't more than silhouettes. A faint, cold light lit up the dark sky outside. Remus couldn't see it from here, but assumed it was the moon.

"Is there something else you need, sweetheart?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"No, thank you," Remus breathed out.

"I'll check on you later to see that everything is in order," she said softly. "Now, go to sleep."

"Good night, Madam Pomfrey," Remus mumbled. "Thank you… for everything."

Madam Pomfrey snorted. "You don't have to thank me, child." She paused by his bedside for a moment. "Good night, Mr Lupin."

Remus' eyes followed her dark silhouette as she moved across the room and disappeared into her office. Staying on his back, Remus absentmindedly started fiddling with his fingers. He gazed upwards once again. He could no longer make out the pattern on the ceiling, which was just a pitch black void above him.

* * *

 **Author's note**

James Birdsong and jane turnleaf - thanks for your comments! I'm happy you enjoy my story! ^_^


	7. Victims and Villains (Sirius)

**7\. Victims and Villains (Sirius)**

Sirius looked out over the Hogwarts grounds as he contemplated what Remus had just told them.

" _He_ must not know," Remus exclaimed fiercely. "He, of all people…"

Sirius couldn't agree more. Snivellus was a racist asshole who already thought muggle-borns and muggles to be beneath him, so that he'd consider werewolves to be less worth than the mud on his shoes was a given. Along with the majority of the wizarding world, Snivellus thought werewolves to be violent beasts; animals that couldn't be thought morals or manners. If he found out about Remus he would no longer acknowledge him as a human being.

Moreover, Snivellus getting ahold of their huge secret wasn't a very pleasant thought. Sirius couldn't stand _him_ getting one over on them. Besides, Remus well being depended on the secret staying just secret. If the wizarding world found out he was a werewolf, they'd go crazy. Probably try to kill him. Definitely try to get him expelled. And the Ministry would throw him in Azkaban for being unregistered. They'd all work their asses off trying to destroy the life of a human being, who was bitten as a fucking four-year-old.

Sirius turned back to look at his friends.

"Not that it will make you feel any better, Moony, but I think there are a lot of people who would make your life hell if they knew," said James, where he sat leaned against a tree. "Even those you consider to be nice."

"Yeah," Remus agreed bitterly. "But Snape knowing… It would feel worse than if anybody else did. It would give him so much power over me."

Sirius' lips curled into a disgusted grimace as Remus echoed his thought. "Fucking Snivellus."

That was obviously what Snivellus had had in mind when he confronted Remus outside the Great Hall last night. He probably hoped to expose their secret would get them expelled. Like what they got up to was any of his business.

They were sitting at the edge of the forest, which spread itself up the mountains. The steep, grass-covered mountainside below them lead down to the rest of the Hogwarts grounds. The Forbidden Forest peeked out from the right, as it followed the slope almost all the way down to the lake. The magnificent Hogwarts Castle in the distance was lit up by the afternoon sunlight.

Remus had been in the Hospital Wing all day, and this was the first time they'd seen him since when he joined them for dinner last night.

"What do you think somebody would do if they did find out?" Peter asked wondering.

"Tell on him?" James suggested.

"If it were Snivellus he might use it as blackmail," said Sirius.

The image of Snivellus bossing them around made Sirius grimace.

Remus sighed in despair. "What are we going to do? He will figure it out. Once you pay even a little attention, it's not very difficult."

"Like we did," Sirius chimed in.

"Like you did," Remus confirmed.

"Maybe you could start disappearing more often, not only during the full moon?" Peter suggested.

"That's clever!" said James enthusiastically. "That'll throw him off your scent."

That was such an easy solution actually.

"Good job, Pete," Sirius laughed. "Problem solved."

Peter smiled.

"It is a good idea," said Remus, not sounding very happy about it, however. "But that means I'll have to miss even more school-"

"C'mon, Moony," Sirius sighed, annoyed. "Isn't it worth it if it means Snivellus doesn't get ahold of your most precious secret? A secret, I might add, which, once reviled, would have severe consequences."

"Yeah, it's worth it. It's just annoying, that's all," Remus continued.

Come to think of it, Remus shouldn't have to complicate his life even more because of Snivellus. That was so unfair, not to talk about irritating. But what else could they do?

"Professor McGonagall's not going to be happy," Remus sighed. "She's going to ask why I'm cutting class."

"So tell her," Sirius prompted. "She's on your side."

"She'll probably tell me not to worry about it."

"Why would she?" Sirius asked. "She's not stupid. Keeping your secret must have a pretty high priority."

"I'll guess we'll find out when you talk to her," James concluded with a small smile.

Remus hum in response didn't sound very excited.

"But whatever she says, you have to start disappearing at random times," James insisted. "That way Snape has nothing to go on."

Remus suddenly became very still. He blinked as he quite emotionless stared at James for a moment. Sirius frowned at the sudden change in his behaviour.

"Except my name," Remus whispered.

Sirius couldn't help but laugh. "Your name is very unfortunate for a werewolf, I'll give you that, but there is no way he'll actually consider that evidence."

"Not that name," Remus hissed. "You call me Moony!"

Sirius automatically opened his mouth to assure Remus that wouldn't be a problem, but quickly closed it again. That would probably get Snivellus pretty far.

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"I'm screwed," Remus concluded quietly.

"Look," James started, not sounding as calm anymore. "We'll just stop calling you Moony. We'll-"

"He already knows you call me Moony," Remus frustrated pointed out.

Snivellus had never really missed an opportunity to make fun of the nicknames they had for each other.

The other ones seemed to consider this to be the final nail in the coffin, but Sirius refused to be defeated. Snivellus was not going to take them down. They could handle him.

They would have to.

"What I wonder," Sirius started in a frustrated voice. "Is when the public switch from considering a werewolf a victim to a villain." He swept his eyes over his friends. "People hate werewolves cause they hurt and bite innocent people, right?"

The other ones nodded half-heartedly.

"Well, the werewolf was an innocent person who was bitten! Werewolves are hated because they hurt innocent people, but then the public hates on the innocent people as well. That doesn't make any sense."

"No, it doesn't," James agreed.

"People aren't logical like that. Once they learn someone is a werewolf, that someone turns into a villain in their minds," said Remus.

"But you were bitten when you were four years old!" Sirius exclaimed.

Remus averted his gaze.

"How can anyone consider a child to be anything but a victim." Sirius shifted position to sit cross-legged.

"I dunno," said Peter in a low voice.

Remus had started to fiddle with a pine cone which had been lying on the stone he was sitting on, tearing it into smaller pieces.

"We're going to solve this, Moon- I mean... Remus," Sirius awkwardly assured Remus.

Remus gave him a sarcastic look. "Good job, Sirius."

"Start by talking to McGonagall," said James. "Who knows, maybe she has a better plan."

"Yeah," said Remus tiredly.

They all went quiet. Remus turned his gaze out over the Hogwarts grounds.

"Let's do something tonight," said Sirius, sitting up straighter. "Forget about Snivellus for a moment. Remus, are you patched up enough to have fun?"

Since the upcoming full moon had made Remus tired and nervous the four of them hadn't really done anything all week. Mostly they had just been sitting in the common room studying while Remus took a nap.

Remus looked a little less miserable but shook his head. "I think I'll be too tired."

Sirius pursed his lips.

"But do something without me," Remus added.

"Okay. Any ideas?" Sirius asked.

"A prank?" Peter suggested.

"Messing with Snape is a given option," James added.

"Let's say we pull a prank on Snivellus and kill two birds with one stone?" Sirius smirked.

James and Peter smiled back, while Remus looked less convinced.

"You know, you messing with him is what drove him towards investigating me," said Remus dryly.

Sirius shrugged. It's not like Snivellus hadn't deserved it.

"It doesn't matter now anyway," Sirius responded, before turning to James and Peter. "So, you in?"

James shot a glance at Remus, feeling the need for his permission.

Remus raised his eyebrows in an annoyed gesture. "Whatever."

"We're in."

Sirius smirked again.

Planning their revenge might have to wait, though, until Remus was sound asleep. That way, Remus wouldn't have to worry about what they got up to.

Remus started flipping through the Charms book he'd brought with him. When no one else spoke, Sirius gazed into the woods behind them, before looking out over the ground again. They had picked a nice spot. The forest was beautiful, and it gave him a bit of a rush seeing the Castle so far below.

An urge to transform and run down the slope or into the forest as a dog rushed through him. He wanted to feel soft grass or roots and hard packed earth under his paws.

Sirius hadn't expected to get some traits from his animagus-animal, but nowadays he found himself sometimes longing to transform and head out for long walks, snuggle up next to someone, or hunt after squirrels on the Hogwarts grounds. Doing those things in dog-form was great, but it felt a little weird when his immediate impulse when someone accidentally flew a quill across the classroom was to turn into a dog and hunt it down.

"If you could have chosen what animal your animagus would have been," Sirius asked, keeping his eyes on the grounds. "What would you have picked?"

"Not a rat," was Peter's immediate response.

Sirius snorted, before turning to look at his friends. Peter looked torn between being miserable about his animagus form and being pleased with making Sirius laugh. Remus looked up from his book and withdrew his hands from the pages.

James looked thoughtful. "It's a tough question. In a way, I'm happy we can't choose, cause there are so bloody many options. Maybe I would have picked something I would have regretted later."

Sirius laughed, while Peter didn't seem to agree at all. Being a rat, it wasn't difficult seeing where Peter was coming from. If he'd get to pick for himself, anything but a rat would do.

"So you're happy being a stag?"

James shrugged. "Sure. Being a lion or something would have been cool, but at least as a stag I'm not entirely out of place. No one would be suspicious if they spotted me outside.

"But a dog is better," Sirius argued. I can be inside too, and no one would think it was weird.

Sirius was pleased with his animagus form. As they had prepared to become animagi, he had worried a little he'd get a boring animal, but his one was great. Dogs were cute and cuddly, and on top of that he was fucking huge, so he could defend himself as well (for example against a certain werewolf). And since dogs were common animals, he could use his animagus form often.

"Sure," James agreed. "Although, not inside the castle. People would wonder where the heck you came from."

"Especially Lily," Sirius laughed.

James, Remus and Peter smirked back at him.

"It would have been nice to be able to fly," James continued.

"We're wizards James," Remus pointed out. "You've got a broom."

"I know, that's why it's not the end of the world I'm not a bird. I can still fly. But if my animagus could fly, I wouldn't have to fetch my broom every time."

"Do you see yourself in many situations where you are in the immediate need to fly?" Remus wondered.

"James - the dove on the Quidditch pitch," Sirius teased. "You would be knocked out by a Bludger in no time."

"I wouldn't be a bloody dove!" James protested. "I meant like an eagle or something. An owl."

"I vote for an owl," Remus chimed in. "Then you could deliver our letters."

Peter laughed.

"What about you, Remus?" Sirius asked. "You're not planning to become an animagus?"

"I'm not sure that would even work for me," said Remus. "It's meant for humans."

"You are a human," Sirius pressed, as Snivellus' face once again rose to the surface of his mind.

"Not entirely. Maybe the wolf would block out the other animal, or something."

"But let's say it worked." Sirius insisted.

"I don't know if I'd want to be an animagus. I already get my fair share of transformations."

"How about a wolf?" Sirius suggested innocently.

Remus glared at him. "Aren't you hilarious."

"But Remus," James cut in. "That's interesting actually. What if someone's animagi was a wolf? Is that considered cool, or would people immediately start thinking of werewolves?"

Remus shrugged.

A wolf was a cool animal, but any connection between human and wolf was probably tainted by the wizarding world's dislike for werewolves...

"It would be cool," Sirius decided out loud.

A cool wind hit them in the face and ruffled the leaves around them. Sirius shivered as Remus and Peter instinctively covered, hugging themselves for warmth.

"Maybe we should head inside?" James suggested.

They all stood up, and Remus picked up his books and shoved them inside his bag. Together they walked down the steep slope back to the Castle.

"I should talk to Professor McGonagall right away," said Remus, when they climbed the marble staircase.

Sirius, James and Peter decided to come along, and soon the four of them were standing outside Professor McGonagall's office again. This time everyone was visible, though.

Remus knocked, and after a moment of silent, Sirius could hear the sound of a chair scraping against the floor. Soon, the door swung open.

Professor McGonagall looked surprised to see them.

"Professor, could we talk to you for a moment?" Remus asked quietly.

She stepped aside. "Come in."

Professor McGonagall's office was roomy, with a single, big window in the back, letting in some natural light. A row of bookshelves covered the right wall. Professor McGonagall walked back to her big desk, which was overflowing with parchments, and sat down. Sirius, James and Peter followed Remus, as he went up to her and stopped on the other side of the desk.

"Well, what is this about?" McGonagall asked in a casual tone, putting her folded hands on the desk.

"Snape… eh, Severus Snape is kind of on his way to find out I'm a werewolf," Remus awkwardly told her.

Professor McGonagall hardly moved a muscle, but her eyes turned a bit more stern-looking.

"I don't think it would be very good if he found out, professor," Remus added, after a moment of silence.

Professor McGonagall's eyes landed on Sirius, before moving on to James. She knew they often got at Snivellus and had told them off before. She didn't say anything about it now, though, and turned back to Remus.

"No, that wouldn't be good," she said in a definitive tone.

"The only thing we could think of to stop Snape would be if Remus disappeared more often from class," James chimed in, taking a step closer to the desk. "That way he wouldn't notice a pattern between Remus and the full moon."

Professor McGonagall eyed James closely in silence for a while.

"It's not ideal," Remus cut in. Professor McGonagall turned to look at him. "I don't want to have to sneak around more than I already do. Professor, if you have any other ideas, I'm very open to it."

"I'm sorry, I don't," she responded calmly. "But I agree it is crucial you keep your condition a secret. I have to admit I'm not thrilled you'll be missing more school, but that seems to be a solution."

Well, at least she was on their side, just as Sirius had thought.

"I will talk to the Headmaster, and you'll be permitted to cut more class."

Remus looked reviled.

"This can't possibly be a permanent solution, however," Professor McGonagall continued. "Hopefully, Mr Snape will lose interest." She turned back to Sirius and James again, and let her green eyes pierce into theirs. "And maybe some of you will find other ways to lower Mr Snapes desire to intermeddle."

Sirius bit his lip. Somehow, Professor McGonagall made him feel really immature.

"We'll do our best," James coarsely reassured her.

Professor McGonagall didn't respond.

"Thank you, professor," said Remus, shifting his weight.

Professor McGonagall gave a short nod. Sirius took a step towards the door.

"Close the door after you," Professor McGonagall instructed them.

That was a clear sign they were allowed to go, and the four of them walked out into the corridor.

"Don't do anything to Snape tonight, please?" Remus immediately said, when the door closed behind them and they started heading towards the Gryffindor Tower.

"No, we won't," James assured him.

"It's not like he's going to stop keeping an eye on you, Remus, if we leave him alone now," Sirius protested.

"Sirius, just… No!" Remus exclaimed.

"Mate, give it a rest," James advised Sirius. "He's doing this cause he's angry at us, right? So let's not make him angry."

Sirius sighed. He understood where they came from, it was just that it wasn't fair Snivellus would get away that easy. He already hated them, so what they did or didn't do wouldn't really make any difference. But if Remus expressly told him to leave it be, Sirius guessed he had to.

* * *

"James, can you pass the apple pie?"

With a full mouth, James put his spoon down and passed the apple pie to Sirius. Sirius cut out a slice and put it down on his plate, where it fell into several smaller pieces. After pouring some custard on it, he dug in.

Their Friday dinner was heading towards an end. Remus, looking like he'd fall asleep any second, had already finished eating, and was tiredly sipping water from a glass, as he looked out over the rather empty hall. The sun had started to set outside, which was the reason the enchanted ceiling shifted between orange and blue. The Hufflepuff table was completely empty, but a group of Ravenclaws and a couple of Slytherins were still sitting at their respective tables.

James and Peter were caught up in a discussion about muggle inventions, which meant Sirius unnoticeably could stare at Regulus across the hall. Regulus was sitting next to just one guy this time, and it was hard to tell if he'd been one of the two Sirius had met last time. He hadn't exactly paid attention to how they looked.

Suddenly, Regulus and his friend stood up and started making their way out of the hall. Sirius shot up from his seat, which made James, Remus and Peter cast wondering glances at him.

"I just need to use the bathroom," Sirius hastily made up, before following his brother out of the Great Hall.

Sirius managed to catch up with Regulus in the staircase down to the dungeons.

"Regulus!"

Regulus stopped and turned around on the spot. He looked at Sirius disbelievingly. "What the fuck do you want?"

Sirius didn't like the position he'd put himself in. Even though he was just _pretending_ to beg for Regulus' forgiveness he felt pretty vulnerable. But that was because he always was uncomfortable around Regulus. Regulus had been there all through their lives to witness Sirius' humiliation and weakness when their parents used various means to crush his spirit. It gave Regulus such an advantage. Sirius could try to play tough all he wanted, but that wouldn't fool his brother.

"Could I talk to you for a moment?" Sirius shot the other Slytherin a glance. "Alone."

Regulus turned to his friend to share a look. "I'll catch up with you," he told him, and the guy disappeared down the stairs.

Regulus turned back to Sirius. "Okay, Sirius, what is your problem?"

Sirius bit down the mean comment he wanted to throw in his brother's face.

"Okay, Regulus, listen-" He broke off and paused for a moment.

Fuck. He hated that he sounded so _weak_.

He had planned to get right into the I-want-to-be-friends-thing but decided he needed to build up to that. He changed track. "Can we not be so bloody rude to each other?"

"Well, stop following me," Regulus snarled.

"I'm not following you," Sirius pointed out, annoyed. "I just want to talk to you, but you refuse to listen."

"Okay." Regulus raised his eyebrows. "I'm listening. What do you want?"

"I just think it's sad we go around being mad at each other-"

"And who's the one starting fights at home?" Regulus spitefully sneered.

Sirius opened his mouth in a silent protest, forgetting about the reason he'd come here. "And you think that's my fault?" he snapped.

He didn't _want_ to hate his family. He wanted parents who loved him. Besides, they were the ones starting the screaming. They were the ones raising their wands against _their own son_.

"Just because I have don't have a messed up world-view doesn't mean you can pin that shit on me!" Sirius continued. "It's just as much your fault. If you could keep an open mind-"

"Oh, I forgot," said Regulus coldly. "The mudblood-lover."

Sirius wanted to punch him in the face.

"Don't use that fucking word," he hissed, towering over Regulus, standing on the step above.

"You're all alone, you know that right?" Regulus' mocking tone was calm. "Our whole family is against you."

Regulus' words felt like a slap in the face. Sirius already knew it was true, and he didn't even want his family's company, but being completely alone made him felt so fucking miserable.

"Fuck you, Regulus," Sirius spit out.

He turned around and furiously shot up the stairs. He was at the top of them, back in the Entrance Hall, when he almost rushed into another black-haired douchebag.

"Careful there, Black," Snivellus sneered, as he took a step back to avoid a collision.

Sirius gave him a hostile stare.

They were the only two in sight.

"You know what, Snivellus," Sirius angrily exclaimed, bringing out his wand, as Snivellus did the same. Sirius took a step closer. "I don't like it when you put your big nose in our business." he dropped his voice to a threatening soft one.

Snivellus smiled. "Too bad."

Sirius raised his wand, but Snivellus immediately followed his movement.

"You leave Remus alone," Sirius ordered.

"Aww, does he need your protection?" Snivellus mocked, tilting his head to the side. "You and Potter's little protégé."

Sirius ignored his comment. "Why are you so annoying, Snivellus? Because Lily left you?"

The smallest faint of pink bloomed out on Snivellus' cheeks. Sirius seized the opportunity, and manage to hit Snivellus with a spell. He flew backwards as the blow hit him, landing on the floor in a pile of black. The wand clattered against the stone as it skittered across the Entrance Hall. Snivellus attempted to stand up, but a second flick of Sirius' wand sent him down to the ground again.

Sirius moved closer, his wand firmly pointing at Snivellus, who unsuccessfully was fighting against the invisible barrier holding him down.

"Don't fucking think you've got anything on us," said Sirius, leaning over him. "You're just a sad, lonely little Slytherin."

Snivellus' black eyes were filled with hate as he stared up at Sirius. For a moment, Sirius and Snivellus locked eyes in silence. Resisting the temptation to curse him again, Sirius turned around, without lifting the spell, and disappeared up the marble staircase. He could hear his heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears, as he breathed heavily through his mouth.

Fucking Snivellus. Fucking Regulus.

Sirius continued upwards, floor after floor.

Remus was going to be pissed, and Professor McGonagall would without a doubt put him in detention, but Sirius hadn't exactly been thinking. Snivellus fucking deserved it, and really, he was weak, so maybe scaring him would be enough to stop him from stalking Remus.

Sirius stopped in an empty corridor on the fifth floor to be able to collect his thoughts.

So, he failed. He was supposed to _befriend_ his stupid brother. But Regulus had made that impossible. He could at least have tried to keep an open mind.

If Sirius couldn't even fool a Hogwarts student, he would make a pretty lousy spy as well. And soon, Voldemort would take over the world, with Regulus and Snivellus standing by him.

Green really was a messed up colour.


	8. Petals and Blood (James)

**8\. Petals and Blood (James)**

The weather stayed fairly warm and sunny all through September. That meant James' Quidditch practices were very enjoyable, where the seven team members swept over the pitch, the mild autumn-breeze hitting them in the face. Their practice sessions were successful, and James was extremely psyched up for their first game, which would take place in the middle of November. That they would face Slytherin made James even more determined to win. He always wanted to win, of course, but it was more important to beat those pompous berks. At least the other two houses were nice.

Less exciting was that Snape had started to constantly glance at James, Sirius, Remus and Peter every time they had lessons with him or when they passed each other in the hallway. He never said anything, and even though Sirius had attacked him Snape seemed satisfied only observing them. That must be because he knew he was onto something bigger. Snape's staring had, understandably, started to freak Remus out, which might have been Snape's intention. Snape didn't scare James, but he was starting to get on his nerves. Couldn't he just get over it?

Remus, along with Professor McGonagall, had not been very happy with Sirius going after Snape. James had a difficulty deciding if he stood behind them or Sirius. It was obvious Snape deserved it, but maybe it hadn't been the smartest move. They were trying to keep Remus safe, and if Sirius little detour off of that mission had damaged their chances… That wasn't good. But if it didn't change anything James could hardly say he objected of Snape's treatment.

Remus had disappeared from class at two random occasions, hiding in their dormitory to avoid being seen. Not many of their classmates seemed to care though. Actually, the only person next to Snape interested in Remus' disappearances was Lily. She'd glanced a lot their way lately. Maybe Snape and she were talking again and had discussed Remus? James strongly hoped that wasn't the case, because that would mean:  
1\. She'd made up with Snape.  
2\. She'd joined Snape's witch-hunt.  
3\. She disliked James enough to want to actively sabotage for him.

The other explanation as to why Lily would be looking at them was more pleasant and far more likely; even if she didn't like James she still found him interesting enough to pay attention to what he and his friends got up to. That would explain why she, but none of their other fellow Gryffindors, noticed Remus increased absence.

James liked to believe Lily would be accepting if she found out one of her classmates regularly turned into a huge wolf. Since James cared for Remus, and werewolves in general, it would be a bummer if she didn't. However, if James was being realistic, she might not accept werewolves. But how could she not get frightened of something everyone else thought was terrifying? It was naive to deny there wasn't a single dangerous aspect to werewolves. Even while not transformed scratches from one would be permanent, and Remus suspected he might be venomous even as a human.

If James didn't know Remus he'd probably still, just as when he was younger, consider werewolves to be nothing more than a dark creature. An exciting dark creature, sure, but even if he weren't scared of them he'd still believe them to be animals; way less complex than humans who only followed their instincts. The Ministry of Magic didn't exactly help wizards and witches to avoid such a worldview since they classified werewolves as creatures instead of humans.

If Lily, in a hypothetical scenario, found out about Remus she would probably be scared, and James wouldn't blame her. Maybe that was only because he was biased. But he still assumed Lily was opened minded enough to be convinced werewolves were just like humans if someone pointed out to her why that was the case.

Lily didn't talk to James, though, even if she spent a fair amount of time looking his way (although, to be precise, she wasn't even looking at him but at Remus). Except for greeting her at the beginning of the day, James didn't say much to her either. He didn't want to pressure her, and their conversations wouldn't be very interesting anyway since she had every intention of keeping those short.

Their lessons were taking up the most of his time anyway; being more demanding than ever. James liked Transfiguration, but half the time he had no idea what the hell he was doing. In Defence Against the Dark Arts they worked with difficult spells he had never heard the name of before, and the only students who got somewhere in potions were Lily and Snape.

James had always considered himself a brilliant student. Perhaps not brilliant from the teachers' point of view, since that included a student who was not only good at magic but also behaved themselves, but he was indeed really good at magic. But this first month of their sixth year had been like a slap in the face. James had thought he would be able to stroll through this year as easy as he had the last ones, but boy had he been wrong.

The moon had almost made its full lap around the earth, but James, Sirius, Remus and Peter's discussion if they should let Remus out during his transformation hadn't moved along with it. As the date to the full moon in October one grew closer, James brought it up again. He thought it rather crucial to figure it out before Remus turned again.

"Remus," James started, standing in front of Remus and Peter on the floor.

They both looked up from the Defence Against the Dark Arts book they had been sitting bent over.

"Yeah?" Remus asked.

James and Sirius had just returned from the Quidditch pitch after an evening ride on James' broom and had found Remus and Peter sitting by a wall in the noisy common room. A parchment filled with Remus' neat handwriting and one with Peter's scribbles on it lied next to them.

James sunk down on the floor, and Sirius followed him. "About Friday… I really think you need to get out," he said quietly.

Remus shot a glance around the room, making sure no one overheard them before he leaned in closer. "No," he whispered.

"Remus-" Sirius protested, but Remus cut him off.

"For all we know, last month might have been an isolated incident."

James frowned and tilted his head to the side. "I don't think it was," he said in a distressed voice.

"You're not basing that on anything," Remus interrupted under his breath. "Look, I know you're looking out for me, but just… just think. What if I bit someone? I would doom them to this…" He trailed off. "How can you think it's worth it?"

"Because we don't think you're gonna bite anyone," James calmly responded as quietly as he possibly could. "We're not waging between you're well being and someone else's. It's a question if you're gonna hurt yourself for no reason."

"'Think' isn't good enough."

Peter, who'd been quiet during their conversation, looked between James and Remus.

"What do you think, Pete?" James asked.

Peter looked a little startled. "I don't know…" he mumbled. "I don't like either option."

"Thank you, Pete," said Remus.

"But we have to pick one," James pressed on.

"I pick the Shrieking Shack."

"Okay, how about this," said James, leaning closer. "We leave you in the Shack this time, but if it doesn't go well we'll let you out next time. Deal?"

"You'll leave me in the Shack, period," Remus said in a final tone.

That had been the end of that discussion, but to James despair, he turned out to be right. The night of the full moon was just as bad as the last one; the vicious wolf tearing at himself in a desperate attempt to still his bloodlust. When Remus had turned back to human James, Sirius and Peter sat by his side, failing at offering any comfort, while they waited for Madam Pomfrey to come and get him. They had wrapped up the bloody Remus, who kept drifting in and out of consciousness, in a blanket. When Madam Pomfrey enter the Shack James, Sirius and Peter all cowered under the invisibility cloak and watched her shove a couple of potions down Remus' throat before bringing him out of the house upon a stretcher.

Everything became completely quiet for a moment after the two of them had left. James let his eyes wander over the Shack's grey walls and the dusty furniture. What looked like stuffing from the torn up armchair was scattered all over the floor, which was already filled with patches of dark red.

"If he's dead I'll kill him," Sirius declare in a tensed voice.

Peter made a quiet humming noise.

"Let's go," James mumbled.

The sun had started to rise and spread a gentle yellow light over the Hogwarts grounds as James and Sirius, with Peter once again on their shoulder, walked across them. The temperature was calmingly mild and droplets of water coming from the damp grass attached themselves at the bottom of James' robes and started to soak the fabric.

Since it was a Saturday the three of them would able to go to sleep for once. Usually after a full moon they went straight to their first lesson. Easy to say none of them paid very much attention in class those days. This time they went straight to the dormitory. James quickly removed his trousers and wet robes before jumping into bed. The soft sheets felt very welcoming as he pulled the covers over him and closed his eyes.

* * *

The common room was filled with people as usual. The loud chattering was a bit annoying, as James tried to work on Remus' Arithmancy homework. He was sitting alone in a scarlet armchair next to a window. The dark blue sky outside was practically impossible to distinguish since the glass offered an almost perfect reflection of the common room with James himself in the foreground. His pile of books and the flaming candle on the coffee table next to him created a cosy atmosphere.

When James, Sirius and Peter had woken up around two in the afternoon they'd immediately gone to visit Remus, who, thankfully, was walking and talking (although Madam Pomfrey didn't allow him to do much of either). His injuries were almost as bad as last time, and there was no way she would let him out of sight until she was sure he'd recovered properly.

During the afternoon James, Sirius and Peter had gotten something to eat and worked on their homework. James had managed to catch up somewhat and had finished his own Arithmancy essay. Remus schoolwork was piling up, however, and since James was the only one of the four except Remus taking Arithmancy he had offered to help out.

James or Sirius did Remus' homework on occasion. Remus was thankful but not a big fan of the cheating. It was necessary, however, if Remus didn't want to drown in work. Plus, Remus already had the knowledge to write this essay, he just didn't have the time.

"Where're your friends?"

James jerked at the sudden voice speaking next to him and instinctively turned his head towards the sound. Lily was standing by his armchair. She wasn't wearing a robe, and her red, let out hair hung down over her sweater. James put down the essay and his quill in his lap.

"Eh… what?" he managed to get out.

What she was doing here, voluntarily talking to him...?

"Where are your friends?" she repeated. She didn't sound irritated.

James put down the parchment on the table and shifted around in his seat, leaning over the armrest to look at Lily. "In the Hospital Wing."

Lily frowned. "All of them?" she asked disbelievingly.

A genuine laugh escaped James. "No. Remus is sick. Sirius and Peter are keeping him company," he explained in a friendly voice.

James couldn't help the excited rush that filled him. She was talking to him! And not the way she used to, either. She didn't seem on guard or hostile. A warm lump had settled itself in his stomach.

"Remus is sick quite a lot, isn't he?" Her tone was mild.

James didn't know if he should confirm it or not and ended up doing a gesture that could really mean anything.

"Is it something serious?"

Shit. This was a conversation he didn't want to have.

"I'm sorry…" James began apologetically. "I can't tell you… It's really up to Remus-"

Lily gave a quick nod. "Yeah, of course," she said in an understanding voice.

They both went quiet. James desperately tried to think of something to say as the warm lump grew bigger.

"But it is something serious then," said Lily, giving him a small smile. "You kind of gave that away… You know, if it was just a cold or something it wouldn't be a big deal."

"Uh, yeah," James laughed awkwardly, averting his gaze.

Help

He had to offer her some kind of explanation, otherwise she might decide to do her own research, just like her Slytherin friend.

"He has cancer!" James blurted out.

Cancer… wow. Good job, James.

He didn't know anything about cancer. Why did he have to pick a muggle disease? Maybe it was easily cured by wizards, which was something Lily, being muggle-born, probably knew in that case.

But Lily looked surprised rather than suspicious. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed.

"Don't worry about it," James quickly assured her. "It's not life-threatening or anything." He paused for a moment before adding: "At least as long as he gets regular help from Madam Pomfrey."

"Okay, good." Lily gave an uncertain-looking smile.

They both went silent again. For a moment they kept eye contact, but James quickly looked away.

"Where are _your_ friends?", James asked, turning back to Lily.

"So what are you working on?" she asked.

They both paused awkwardly when they spoke at the exact same time, before looking at each other and falling into a soft laughter.

"Eh... a homework for Arithmancy," James said when they both quieted down.

"Oh, okay. My friends are in the library," she added. "We're studying. I was just going to get a book from the dormitory."

"I'm sorry if I held you up." James tried to sound as much as a gentleman as possible.

"No problem." She took a small step backwards, gesturing her hand towards the staircase up to the girls' dormitories. "I should probably get going, though."

"Yeah, of course," said James hurriedly.

Fuck. Could he be less smooth?

Lily offered him a last little smile, before turning around and disappearing up the staircase.

James let out a breath.

Merlin

She'd talked to him! She'd actually talked to him! For real.

The warm lump in his stomach and a soft happy feeling seemed to compete for his attention.

This had to mean Lily hadn't made up with Snape, cause, in that case, she'd probably be all aboard the I-hate-James-train. On the contrary, it seemed like she finally got it right; Snape was the one to dislike, and James was the one to like.

James quickly turned to check his reflection in the mirror. His black curls messily surrounded the face, with its brown eyes and round, thin spectacles. His unbuttoned robes showed off the grey Gryffindor sweater with thin lines of red and gold running along the top part. He didn't look too bad.

Remembering Lily would return from the dormitory, James looked away from the window and picked up Remus' essay again, trying to look busy and not shallow. There was no way he could actually concentrate on the work at the moment, though. His heartbeat had picked up a little.

James' eyes glanced up when they detected a movement from the stairs. Lily descended from them, before looking James' way. With a short nod she acknowledged him, before walking across the room and disappearing through the portrait hole.

The whole experience felt a little surreal. Like he had suddenly landed in an alternate reality where he and Lily were friends.

James forced himself to count to a hundred before standing up as well. The essay could wait. He put away the books and the essay in his dormitory, before leaving the Gryffindor Tower and heading towards the Hospital Wing.

"You have cancer," James informed Remus as he stopped by his bedside.

Remus was sitting up, supported by two big, fluffy pillows piled behind his back, holding a teacup. Sirius had seated himself on top of the bedcovers by the foot of the bed, while Peter occupied the chair by the bedside table.

"I what now?" said Remus confused.

James explained what had happened with Lily.

"James, you can't expose Remus just because you want to get laid," Sirius laughed.

"I panicked!" James defended himself, while Sirius snorted with laughter. "And also, I don't want to get laid."

"You don't?" Sirius questioned, raising his head to look at James, still with a smirk on his lips.

"That's not the main point. I like her," James clarified. "And she talked to me!"

"Great, mate." Sirius gave a more serious smile.

"Can we go back to the part where she thinks I have cancer?" Remus cut in.

"Now you've got a cover!" Sirius exclaimed cheerfully. "How come we didn't think of that before?"

"To spread a false rumour? That's pretty clever actually," James smiled.

The lie James had told Lily had been something he'd made up on the spot. He hadn't considered it would actually work. But it did! He had solved Remus' problem!

Remus looked at them with a blank expression, before his lips curved upwards. "Yeah, it is," he admitted. "Good job, James."

James beamed.

"You think she'll talk to me again, right?" he demanded to know, too full of energy to sit down. "You should have seen her, she smiled and everything!"

"I'm sure she will, Prongs," Remus smiled.

James managed to contain his enthusiasm somewhat and turned to Remus. "How are you by the way?"

Remus shrugged "Fine."

"He's not fine," Sirius informed James.

Remus glared at Sirius.

"His heartbeat is too fast," said Sirius turned to James. "That didn't happen last month."

Remus bit his lip. The brand new scar across his temple shone bright red.

Remus was most sensitive about getting scars on his face, thus this had to bother him a lot.

"Maybe… maybe you're right," Remus said faintly. "I think I need to get out of the Shack."

James blinked, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat. Remus looked so tiny where he was sitting in the bed, patched up to Madam Pomfrey's best ability, his damaged arms hugging the white covers.

James gave a quick nod. "Okay," he said gingerly. "Good."

Remus cast his eyes down.

"I'm almost done with your essay, by the way," James informed Remus in an attempt to distract him from other, more gloomy thoughts. He snatched the wooden chair from the bed next to them and sat down on Peter's left. Soon, they'd fallen into a more light-hearted conversation.

After a while, James' thoughts couldn't help but wander back to Lily. She liked him! She totally had to in some way since _she'd_ walked up to _him_.

On top of that, Remus would stop hurting himself now, and they could spread the false rumour about his cancer.

It was nice how everything worked out in the end.


	9. Tick-tock (Sirius)

**9\. Tick-tock (Sirius)**

"Well she's either kidnapped or murdered," Sirius concluded. "It's not like she took a walk in the woods and got lost."

James, Remus and Peter nodded in agreement.

"I wonder which it is," said James, before adding. "And which one is worse?"

"If You-Know-Who captures someone you can bet they're going to have a hard time," said Sirius matter-of-factly. "She's probably getting tortured as we speak."

"Don't say that!" Peter exclaimed in a terrified voice.

"Unless she's already dead," James filled in.

"Unless she's already dead."

The sudden disappearance of Harriet Vance - the Head of Department of Magical Law Enforcement - was the only thing people talked about in school that day. It had been in The Daily Prophet that morning. Without a trace, she was gone. Vance was second in rank, after the Minister for Magic, so getting to her must have been big for the Death Eaters.

Being kidnapped by Death Eaters must be terrifying. Not that Sirius had to worry. He wasn't the kind of wizard the Death Eaters would target. Although, maybe his parents would offer them a sum of money if they promised to kidnap him as well.

"I don't think she is," Remus chimed in, where he was sitting on Sirius' left. "She must be sitting on a lot of information. The Death Eaters will want that before they get rid of her."

"Yeah," said James gloomily.

Yeah, that was probably the case. That wasn't very good for her, or for the wizarding world as a whole. She would, understandably, cave and give up the Ministry's secrets.

The four of them went quiet. Sirius took another bite of his sausage and swept his eyes over the Great Hall packed with students. A distressful murmur from everyone discussing exactly the same thing filled the air.

"And there was a muggle official who was found dead a couple of days ago," James added and turned to Remus, who also paid attention to the Muggle news. "Remus, did you hear about that?"

"Yeah," sighed Remus.

To be honest, Sirius didn't find the disappearance of some muggle as interesting. What was the odds it was connected to Voldemort?

He swallowed the last of the sausage.

Lily, who was sitting across the table a couple seats down, suddenly leaned closer to Sirius, James, Remus and Peter.

"How did _you_ know that," she asked James, looking surprised.

James managed to not lose face when Lily voluntarily talked to him for the second time in less than 48 hours. "I read a muggle newspaper," he said calmly, slightly turning in his seat to look at her.

Sirius shared a grin with Remus.

Lily's eyebrows shot up, and she looked the tiniest bit impressed. "Oh, okay."

Very few wizards gave a shit about what muggles got up to. The fact James did must make him less of a jerk in Lily's eyes.

"What happened?" Peter asked.

James shrugged. "Don't know. He turned up dead. Could have just been a normal murder for all I know, but it's not impossible it was the Death Eaters." James turned to Lily. "What do you think?"

Sirius smiled inwards when James tried to keep the conversation with Lily alive. Being the supportive friend he was Sirius let the two of them talk alone and gave the food on his plate his full attention.

"I don't see why they would target some muggle now," said Lily. "They don't matter at the moment. This is a fight between You-Know-Who and the Ministry."

"Yeah," James agreed.

When none of them said anything else Lily's eyes moved to Remus. She gave him a faint smile when their eyes met. Remus looked uncomfortable as the corner of his lips did a failed attempt to smile back.

Now she pitied him.

"What do you think happened to Vance, Lily?" James continued, which made Lily turn away from Remus. "Did You-Know-Who take her?"

Remus relaxed his shoulders and Sirius shot him a lock telling him it was nothing to worry about. So what if Lily thought he had cancer? It was an improvement, really. Now he had an explanation as to why he disappeared and so on.

"Yeah," Lily responded right away. She raised her eyebrows, and said bitterly: "It's starting now."

This was the end of an era. They could stop asking themselves what Voldemort was doing. He now had started to carry out his plan in the open.

Their conversation with Lily died out, and, to James disappointment, she turned back to her friends. Sirius continued with his lunch as he shot a glance towards Regulus at the Slytherin table. The two of them hadn't talked to each other since their fight in September. Sirius hadn't _wanted_ to talk to that racist little idiot, but, he had been stupid. Helping the Order of the Phoenix was more important than his pride. He _had_ to set things right between Regulus and him.

Lily and her friends were done eating and started standing up.

"See you in Herbology," said Lily.

"See you," said Sirius and Remus together, as Peter mumblingly uttered the same phrase.

James stared after Lily and her friends as they left. He seemed to whole-heartedly regret he hadn't picked Herbology as one of his N.E.W.T-subjects.

"Should we get going as well?" Remus suggested.

They all got up and started walking through the Great Hall. When they reached the big oak doors Sirius stopped, casting an unsure look at the Slytherin table on his right.

He should just go for it. Waiting wasn't going to make it any easier...

"Sirius, you gonna keep walking?" James wondered snidely, where he was standing behind Sirius.

"I just... " Sirius turned around to look at his friends. "I just wanna talk to Regulus. I'll catch up with you."

James, Remus and Peter all knew Sirius had argued with Regulus, since Sirius had ranted about it, and, on top of that, he had been able to use it as an explanation as to why he'd attacked Snivellus when Remus had told him not to. It hadn't even been a lie. At least it was a part of the reason. Worked-up after the argument with Regulus Snivellus had just been even more annoying than usual.

"What exactly is going on with you two?" James asked, frowning.

Sirius shook his head to indicate he didn't have time to talk about it at the moment. "I'll catch up with you later," he repeated.

Sirius turned away from the doors and made his way along the Slytherin table. Several of the students stared at him as he passed. Regulus was sitting facing the wall, but when Sirius stopped behind him one of the guys sitting opposite Regulus raised his eyebrows, looked at Regulus and gave a nod in Sirius' direction. Regulus turned around in his seat. His eyes immediately narrowed, as he looked at Sirius with loathing.

"Before you say anything," said Sirius hurriedly. He had to force himself to utter the next sentence. "I'm sorry."

Regulus stared at him without speaking. Sirius shot a look at the Slytherins surrounding his brother. They all stared back. Could they not? Were they lives really that uneventful that Sirius talking to his brother was the highlight of their day?

"I'm sorry, okay," he continued. He nodded his head away from the table. "Could I talk to you?"

He had already done far too much begging in front of Regulus' loser friends.

Regulus, actually looking less suspicious than Sirius had thought he would, stood up and followed Sirius to the aisle between the Slytherin and Ravenclaw table. No one would be able to overhear them in the noisy hall.

"Okay, I know we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things," Sirius started. Regulus didn't interrupt him but kept eyeing him in silence. "But I wish we could still… hang out."

This was so far-fetched. There was no reason Regulus would fall for this.

Sirius shifted his weight. Regulus kept staring at him.

"Okay."

Now it was Sirius turn to stare.

What?

Regulus looked at Sirius. He didn't seem angry, but rather a little nervous himself "We _want_ you to be a part of the family," Regulus added after a long moment of silence.

'We'. Ugh. Sirius bet his family talked about him behind his back all the time. The way Regulus phrased that made Sirius' skin crawl, too. Regulus made it sound like their family were waiting for Sirius with open arms, hoping he would change for the better.

Like he was the one who needed to change.

Sirius pursed his lips. "We could catch up," he suggested, avoiding to acknowledge what Regulus had said.

A small pleased smile appeared before quickly disappearing from Regulus' lips. "Yeah," he agreed. "You free this afternoon?"

Sirius could think of a thousand better things to do.

"Sure."

Regulus gave a short nod before he turned around and went back to his friends. Sirius made his way along the Slytherin table. He could feel them all staring at him.

Sirius couldn't shake off an uneasy feeling of suspicion. Why had Regulus suddenly accepted his friend-request? What had changed since last time? Maybe Regulus was telling the truth about their family? Maybe they all waited for him to come around so they could stop being ashamed of him?

James, Remus and Peter stood right outside in the Entrance Hall waiting for him. James raised an eyebrow when Sirius came through the large doors.

"You care to tell us what's going on?" James asked snidely.

Sirius would rather keep his friends out of his Regulus-affair, but since he would hang out with his brother this very afternoon that wouldn't work.

"Regulus and I made up," was Sirius short answer.

James didn't buy that. His eyes narrowed disbelievingly as his mouth opened in a puzzled gesture. He probably thought Sirius was a little nuts. Whatever, he could believe what he wanted. Hopefully, he would come up with his own (wrong) explanation to why Sirius was going out of his way to befriend a Black. That way Sirius didn't have to explain himself.

"Are you ready to go to Herbology?" Remus cut in.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "See you later, James. I'll give Lily your love." He smirked.

James gave Sirius an irritated look but let the Regulus-thing slide. He disappeared up the marble staircase.

Herbology was held in the greenhouses and thought by Professor Sprout. It was far from Sirius' favourite subject. He hated the feeling of sticking his fingers in the dirt and getting earth under his fingernails. It was also boring. Sirius had been told Herbology was a useful subject and that's why he had picked it as an N.E.W.T.-class.

They had Herbology together with the Slytherins, which wasn't something Sirius could complain about. It added some excitement to the slow going class. But these days it also meant Snivellus would get some more spying-time. Sirius spotted the greasy Slytherin as soon as he, Remus and Peter reached the greenhouse they could be working in that day. Snivellus, standing by some of his so-called friends, looked over to Sirius, Remus and Peter, his lips turning into a smirk.

"What happened to your face, Lupin?" Snivellus called out.

Remus immediately tensed up when Snivellus pointed out the new scar on his temple.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" Sirius casually suggested.

Snivellus left the shelter of his friends and moved closer to them, staring at Remus with interest. His comment hadn't just been some random banter. Snivellus actually wanted to know what had happened to Remus. This was the second time he had caught him clearly injured.

"Was I talking to you, Black?" said Snivellus, sweeping some greasy black hair out of his face. "Lupin, what happened to your face?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," said Sirius snidely when Remus didn't answer. "Maybe his face got sad when it saw your ugly mug."

"He really can't answer for himself can he?" Snivellus smiled, eyeing Remus again.

"He can," Remus cut in cooly.

"He just doesn't want to waste time on you," said Sirius. "Be happy I'm more patient." He jerked his head upwards in a sharp nod. "Now piss off before I flip you upside down again."

Snivellus' smile dropped. Sirius smirked when his reference to the end of last year had the effect he had hoped for.

Snivellus lowered his voice and walked even closer. "Maybe you should stop with whatever you're doing," he said silkily. "It seems to be killing Lupin."

Sirius wanted to laugh. What exactly did Snivellus think they were doing? His face didn't reveal that thought, and instead, Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Maybe we could use you instead," he said, playing along.

Sirius remark made Snivellus look surprised. Good. Now maybe he would believe they were actually up to some weird experiment. That would send him off in the totally wrong direction.

"I will find up what you're up to," said Snivellus quietly.

"Not very intelligent, are you?" said Remus. "If we were up to something _maybe_ you shouldn't give us a heads up you're trying to find out what it is."

"Good point," Sirius smirked maliciously. "But we always knew good old Snivellus' not very sharp."

Snivellus gave the two of them a dark look. He spun around and walked back to his Slytherin friends. Sirius turned to Remus, who hard-set eyed Snivellus before meeting Sirius' gaze.

"Mate, relax," Sirius advised him. "Didn't you hear him? He's not even close. He thinks we're making Frankenstein's monster or something." Sirius snorted.

Remus looked a bit calmer. "Yeah, I guess…"

Sirius shot the Slytherins another look. He hadn't figured out the dynamic between them. Snivellus couldn't be more than just a sidekick. He was a nobody, easily put in his place by Sirius and James. He didn't have the kind of family tree Slytherins valued either. Not every Slytherin could be one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, but, even when they weren't, most of them belonged to an at least somewhat known family with a "proud" heritage. Sirius and James had actually done some research years ago, and they hadn't found any wizard with the name Snape. He was totally not pureblood. Probably a very weak half-blood.

A fucking hypocrite, that's what Snivilus was.

Sirius hated being a Black. The Black name came with a branding of "I-hate-muggles-and-am-a-snobbish-bastard", and everyone who met him assumed he was like the rest of his family. But at the same time, it was hilarious to rub his extremely pure blood in Snivellus' face.

As Sirius absentmindedly looked out over the area by the greenhouses he met Lily's eyes. She didn't seem angry or upset, but rather limitless as she shared a look of mutual understanding with Sirius. Her sudden interest of James plus learning that Remus was "sick" had softened her up to their group, and now she could easily see Snivinus for the douchebag he truly was.

* * *

Sirius looked out over the mixture of red, orange and yellow in the trees standing in the distance. The uncomfortably cold stone he was sitting on made him shudder in the already cool air. September was over and done with.

Sirius was very happy he'd finally bought a warm cloak, which he had been putting off for ages (because shopping was fucking boring). The fancy tailored one with the Black family crest his mother had ordered for him was at the very moment lying in some dark corner in the attic of number twelve, Grimmauld Place.

"So who do you hang out with?" Sirius asked without looking at his brother.

Regulus was quiet for a moment, and Sirius eventually turned his head to the right. Regulus, sitting on a stone as well, dressed in an identical cloak to the one Sirius had thrown on the attic floor, met his gaze. He shrugged.

"Derrick and Nash mostly."

"Derrick Selwyn?" Sirius wondered.

He had never heard the name Nash before, but he had met Derrick Selwyn multiple times during their annoying family dinners with the Selwyns.

"Yeah," Regulus confirmed in a "so what?"-voice.

Selwyn was pureblood, one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, and shared the general Black-world view. Translation: he was a jerk.

"Cool," Sirius said in the most indifferent voice he could muster.

He turned back to look at the forest.

Sirius and Regulus had met after their last lesson of the day. Since Regulus was the Seeker of the Slytherin Quidditch team the subject of that mutual interest had actually come quite naturally as it occupied them during their aimless stroll over the Hogwarts grounds. Now Sirius couldn't think of a single thing to say. He was bored, but he had to talk to Regulus to get close to him.

"And you still hang out with the Potter kid?" said Regulus, not sounding very approving.

Sirius looked back at Regulus. "I am."

He's pureblood too, dumbass.

Sirius considered mentioning Remus and Peter were also his friends but decided it was better to expose as little information about himself as possible.

They both went quiet again. Sirius picked out a big oak tree with bright yellow leaves to stare at.

"You don't hang out with Sniv- Snape, do you?" Sirius couldn't help to ask eventually.

He just had to find out.

Sirius was prepared Regulus would act all defensive because Sirius hated on a Slytherin, but to his surprise, Regulus started to laugh.

"The Half-Blood Prince? I don't think so."

"The Half-Blood what?" Sirius asked curiously.

Regulus smirked. "The Half-Blood Prince. It's a nickname he's given himself."

'The Half-Blood Prince'. Was Snivellus kidding? What kind of name was that? Talk about being a snob, calling himself a prince. But why was he boasting about being half-blood?

Sirius snorted "That is fucking sad."

"It is," Regulus agreed. "Why do you think I would hang out with him?"

"I was hoping you weren't."

"Yeah, you and Potter pester him," Regulus said matter-of-factly.

"Because he's annoying as fuck."

"Yeah." Regulus laughed dryly.

So Snivellus being a dick was a universal understanding. At least his brother got that part of life right.

Their conversation died out again. Sirius looked back at the forest and absentmindedly kicked a small stone lying at his feet. He could hear chattering in the distance from the other students who'd gone outside.

"Are you nervous about the O.W.L.s?" Sirius asked, mostly to have something to say. He sounded like an annoying parent.

Regulus gave Sirius a look reflecting what Sirius just thought. "I don't know," he said eventually. "Were you?"

"No."

Tests didn't really worry Sirius. But it was a pain studying to them.

"Just make sure you study and… whatever." Sirius made a sweeping motion with his hand. "In other words, do the opposite of what I did."

Regulus gave a short laugh.

After that, their conversation flowed easily. They kept it on a small talk-level, and at the end of it, Sirius couldn't deny he had enjoyed his brother's company. Regulus was funny and surprisingly easy to talk to. Fortunately, Regulus seemed to feel the same way, which really had been the whole point of the afternoon activity. Sirius needed to gain Regulus' trust.

It wasn't until afterwards, while Sirius was climbing the stairs to the seventh floor, he realised something was bugging him. He was only supposed to be a spy, he couldn't actually start to _like_ his brother. Regulus wasn't a good person, he knew that.

Even though the two of them had avoided any topic they knew they would disagree on, Regulus had shown his true self nonetheless; both of them had mocked Snivellus for his nickname, but not for the same reason. Sirius had done it because of the snobbish word "Prince". Regulus had done it because of the "Half-Blood"-part.

And that said so much about who Regulus really was.


	10. A Walk by the Forest (James)

**10\. An Unexpected Understanding (James)**

The gravel on the narrow path they were following crackled under their feet. Although the red and yellow trees still dangled with lush leaves, the air was quite shilly and smelled like winter. The mild October sun lit up the sky, and James could spot people by the grounds near the castle who seemed to have been allured outside by it despite the cool weather.

The Saturday Quidditch practice was over and now the team was making their way back to the castle. They were in the middle of a discussion about whether or not the lead singer of The Weird Sisters was a vampire when James spotted Lily. A happy and hot tingling immediately filled him. He automatically slowed down, which didn't go unnoticed by his team members.

With a small smile Alexandra gave James a look of understanding. "See you later," she said, sounding quite amused.

The rest of the team seemed to have noticed what was happening (that James liked Lily was hardly a secret, which frankly was a bit embarrassing since her rejecting him also was painfully known).

"Only 21 days to the game!" Luke exclaimed as a valediction, before the team kept walking, leaving James alone.

Lily, dressed in a grey coat, a big Gryffindor scarf wrapped around her neck,

was walking alone by the edge of the forest. She hadn't spotted James, which made him even more nervous as he approached her. She looked up when he got closer and stopped walking. James' eyes met her beautiful green ones. He closed the distance between them and stopped in front of her.

"Hi," James smiled. "Are you out on a walk?"

"Yeah," Lily responded, reaching her hand up to put some of her red, long hair behind her ear. She eyed the broom James was holding. "Quidditch practice?"

James smiled. "Yeah!" he said enthusiastically. "Can I walk with you?" he added, gesturing in the direction Lily had been heading before he'd interrupted her.

Lily shrugged. "Sure."

They started walking along the edge of the forest.

"Are you gonna watch the game in November?" James asked.

Lily looked at him in silence for a moment before her lips formed a small smile. "Sure."

A new shrill of excitement hit James and he smiled at her.

Did she usually watch the games? James couldn't remember.

"We'll be playing against Slytherin," James smugly declared, before he realised bringing up Slytherin was a bad idea. It was a dangerously thin line between that subject and the subject of Snape.

Lily didn't seem to think that however, as she politely nodded and made a humming sound. James looked at her as a thought sprung in his mind. Maybe he _should_ bring up Snape? If he wanted to set things straight between him and Lily perhaps they needed to talk it through.

"Look," James began. "Lily, I know you don't really like me…" He trailed off.

Lily observed him without either confirming or denying his statement, which made James nervous. He had hoped she would deny it.

"About Snape…" James continued, which made Lily grimace.

Merlin, maybe he was making it worse?

"Forget about it," she said tiredly.

"Forget it?" James was bewildered. "I thought that was why you didn't like me. Are you saying you don't _care_?"

"Well, firstly I didn't just dislike you because of Severus," said Lily sharply.

James couldn't help but wince when she used Snape's first name.

"You were a jerk in general you know," she continued.

The sound of Lily's voice from last year echoed in James' head: _You're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter… You make me SICK._ It hurt thinking about that last part. He knew that Lily had truly meant it, which actually stung pretty bad. If anyone else had told him the same thing he could not have cared less, but since it had been Lily… And deep down James knew he deserved it. Not because he bullied Snape, James could still find justification for that, but because of the other people he had hexed. People who hadn't done anything.

"Well, I don't do… _that_... anymore," said James after a short pause.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Why? Lost its charm?" she said mockingly.

James bit his lip. His apology had not taken the turn he had hoped for. He didn't want to start a fight. He wanted to _fix this_.

When James thought it through the answer to Lily's question was really simple. He had stopped attacking Snape because he wanted to impress Lily. He had stopped attacking random students because he'd grown out of it.

"I don't know," said James, since the real answer wasn't very glamorous. They were many people who'd realised bullying was wrong long before they were 16 years old.

"James Potter doesn't want to hex someone?" said Lily, pretending to be shocked, before she added a sarcastic: "Good for you"

"Funny," James remarked dryly.

They both went quiet and awkwardly maintained eye contact for a moment.

"So if that's the case, why don't you want me to apologise for the Snape-thing?"

Lily gave an ironic smile. "Maybe you have noticed he's not the nicest person either?"

"So you're saying I can hex him all I want and you wouldn't care?" James asked disbelievingly.

"I thought you said you didn't hex him anymore." Lily smiled snidely.

"I don't. It's a hypothetical scenario."

Lily actually looked the tiniest bit amused, which made James feel relieved.

"Even though I don't like him I don't think it justifies bullying him," Lily explained, looking more serious. "But you don't anymore, so I don't really care."

Even though James didn't see eye to eye with her on that one he gave a short nodd.

"Why aren't the two you friends anymore?" James asked gingerly.

James had a strong suspicion of why.

Lily looked back at him and gave him a dark look. "It's complicated."

"Is it because…?" James began, but cut himself off.

He was unsure if she'd appreciate his choice of conversation, and he didn't want to remind her of the very reason she used to hate him.

"Because of what?" Lily asked, although her tone of voice suggested she knew what he was getting at.

"Because he called you a mudblood?"

"Both yes and no," she responded calmly. "There was other stuff as well, and him calling me a mudblood was the final straw. If that had been the only thing he'd ever done it might have been different."

"What other things?"

Looking bothered she bit her lip. "He's basically a Death Eater," she said, looking away from James.

"I know," James answered. "That's why I hate him."

Lily looked back at him. "You know…" she said quietly. "This whole thing with Severus… I feel embarrassed I ever hung out with him, but at the same time I really miss him."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, James felt a thrill of happiness when he realised she was opening up to him. It was quite surreal, however, to hear someone have anything positive to say about Snape.

"Why did you like him?" James asked as gently as he could, trying to not sound judgmental. He was actually genuinely curious.

Lily gave him a joyless laugh. "It's a long story."

"How long?" James asked, and before she answered he added: "How about the short version? How does a Gryffindor even come in contact with a Slytherin in the first place?"

"We didn't meet at Hogwarts," said Lily.

What?

James stared at her disbelievingly.

He knew Lily and Snape had been friends a long time, and he had assumed they'd met here. Apparently, that wasn't the case.

"We were childhood friends," said Lily. "He taught me all about magic and the wizarding world."

James and Lily both walked in silence for a moment as Lily looked out over the Hogwarts grounds. Without bright sunshine lighting up the lake in the distance the water held a deep shade of dark blue. It could have something to do with the huge shadows cast by the mountains on the other side.

"He made me feel normal," Lily added. James turned back to look at her. "You're pureblood. You can never imagine what it's like finding out you have magic powers in a muggle society. You think you've gone crazy, or that you are evil. Everyone calls you a freak…" She trailed off.

James was stunned. No, he had never experienced his magic as something dirty or scary. Actually, he had never considered that that might be the case for muggleborns. On the contrary, he had been raised thinking magic was something to cherish. But in Lily's situation… Snape had introduced her to a whole new world and they had shared that big secret together… Of course, Lily had gotten attached to Snape.

"After I met Severus, magic was fun," Lily continued. "He _was_ a good friend. He was a good friend at Hogwarts too. But I was an exception," she continued a little bitterly. "He hates all other muggle-borns and he wants to join You-Know-Who."

"I get it," said James. "I get it must have been a difficult choice for you… to cut him out, I mean."

Lily hummed.

James felt a sudden urge to explain himself as well.

"Do you know why I always fought with Snape?" James asked.

"I recall you saying it was the fact that he exists," Lily remarked.

"Well yeah," said James. "He's a You-Know-Who supporter. He loves the dark arts. He goes around calling people mudbloods." James nodded in Lily's direction. "It actually disgusts me that his sort is allowed at Hogwarts. Dumbledore barricades the school to keep Death Eaters out, but he still let their next generation stay on the inside."

"Severus isn't the only one like that," Lily pointed out.

"I know," said James. "I hate all of them, it's just… I know Snape better than the others. He sticks out. Sirius and I bumped into him in our first year, and he kind of became a symbol for all those people like him."

"That makes sense I guess," said Lily. "But I don't think Dumbledore either should or can refuse people like that to attend Hogwarts. Every wizard and witch in Great Britain has the right to attend Hogwarts, and, besides that, the worst thing you can possibly do if you want to prevent them from becoming Death Eaters is to kick them out from the wizarding world. That will make them angry and bitter, and then their only company will be their families, who support You-Know-Who."

"Okay, that's true," James admitted.

James and Lily both went quiet again.

"But I don't know if I really can blame Severus," said Lily thoughtfully after a while. "His family… he was raised with those beliefs…"

"Of course you can blame him!" James protested.

Lily turned to him, puzzled.

"Snape is responsible for himself," James continued. "He can _not_ blame his family. Just look at Sirius."

Lily's eyes narrowed at the mention of Sirius' name. "Sirius Black?", she said disapprovingly.

"Yeah, Sirius Black," James confirmed. "He is nothing like his family. _He_ can think for himself."

Sirius had risen up from his disgusting family to become a good person, which had hurt him a lot in the process. His family hated and abused him because he stood up for who he was and for basic human decency. Snape was not allowed to excuse his behaviour with some sob story. He had only himself to blame.

Lily looked a little taken aback. "Okay, I don't know Sirius Black…"

"I do," James interrupted. "He would never call anyone a mudblood or support You-Know-Who." The thought of Remus sprung to James' mind. Sirius was in fact so open minded he cared for a werewolf. "I bet he's more tolerant than most people," James finished, smirking bitterly at his own inside joke.

"Okay," said Lily. "Touché."

James snorted.

"Although isn't Sirius hanging out with his brother?" Lily asked.

Stunned, James stared at Lily in silence. "Touché," he responded, which made Lily crack up.

James didn't feel like laughing though.

The last two weeks had been _weird_. Sirius, James' best friend, who hated his family and Slytherins, was now spending all his free time hanging out with Regulus. James had tried to ask Sirius about it, but Sirius simply waved him off. James had been quite winded up for fourteen days straight, not knowing what he should feel. He had found himself wanting to talk about it with Sirius, which he obviously couldn't. It was frustrating.

As far as James could see, there were two possible reasons to Sirius behaviour:  
1\. Sirius was telling the truth and was innocently hanging out with his brother.  
2\. Something weird was afoot. Maybe his family was threatening or manipulating him?  
None of the options was good. Of course, James prefered the first one, but even that case was far from ideal. It meant Sirius had thrown his beliefs out the window and ignored the fact that Regulus was a Voldemort supporter. And if Sirius was being threatened or manipulated he really needed help.

"I don't know what's going on with Sirius," said James gloomily. "He won't talk to me about it."

Lily immediately turned serious.

"Trust me," James continued. "Sirius hates his family. So why is he suddenly so determined to hang out with his brother? What if his family is manipulating him?"

"I think you are overreacting," Lily calmly told him. She didn't say it in a mean way, but rather in a calming voice. "Sirius probably just wants to be friends with his brother. I don't think there is a big conspiracy going on."

"But Regulus is a You-Know-Who supporter-"

"And so is Severus, and yet I don't hate him," Lily interrupted. "Like I said, Severus has good sides too. Even though I know his bad sides weigh out the good ones I still don't hate him. Humans aren't logical like that. It's not weird that Sirius would ignore that part of Regulus if he likes his brother's other sides."

It sounded quite reasonable the way Lily put it and James actually felt a bit relieved.

"But he doesn't know Regulus," said James in an unsure voice "They haven't been friends since they were kids."

Lily shrugged. "So what? I don't get along with my sister, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to. Maybe Sirius decided to actually do something about it."

James went quiet and looked away. Somehow, Lily had in a couple of minutes managed to reason her way out of a situation James had been worrying about for two weeks.

"That… that actually helped," James said, smiling at Lily. "Thank you."

Lily smiled. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

James hummed.

They kept walking in silence for a while. James looked out over the Hogwarts grounds. They had walked quite a distance from the castle and were closing in on the forbidden forest.

Since he understood why Lily would like Snape despite him being a Death Eater, James had to give Sirius a pass as well. It couldn't be fun to not have a family, so it wasn't very strange Sirius was looking for some love from his brother.

It took a while before James realised he didn't find the silence between him and Lily awkward. However, the moment he noticed that, the silence did get awkward again. Thankfully, Lily picked that exact moment to speak.

"How is Remus by the way?" Lily asked.

James bit his lip. He wished he didn't have to lie to her, and for a split second, he considered telling her about Remus. Talking about Sirius with her had been liberating, and the problem of Snape trying to find out about Remus was far more stressful. But of course, James didn't. It was Remus secret to tell, and what if Lily would freak out and tell on Remus?

"He's fine," James got out.

"I'm sorry Severus was picking on him."

Surprised, James turned to look at Lily. "How did you know about that?"

"I saw it," Lily responded. "It was a week or so ago. He taunted him about the scar on his forehead."

Sirius and Remus had told James about that, but James hadn't know Lily had heard it too.

"Oh, don't worry about it," said James. "And you don't have to apologise for what Snape does. He's not your responsibility."

Lily sighed. "It feels like he is."

"Well, he's not. I promise you Remus doesn't blame you for what Snape gets up to."

Lily made a humming sound.

They had reached the edge of the forbidden forest. The trees grew much tighter together here, and even though daylight shone from the sky the forest looked dark. James and Lily turned around and started heading back towards the castle.

"Can I ask something?" Lily said after a while.

"Yeah?"

"What did happen to Remus?"

A small injury on the face wasn't a problem in itself. It could easily be explained by something like an accident. Maybe Remus had fallen off a chair, who knows? But Remus had three scars on his face, which meant he was either the most clumsy human alive, or, that something was up with him.

"He…" James began hesitantly. "He hit his head. And those other scars," James quickly added. "He was attacked by an animal when he was younger."

 _No_. James wanted to punch himself. That was too close to the truth. And exactly how much bad luck could he expect Lily to believe Remus had?

"Oh," said Lily.

Hopefully, she wouldn't think too hard about it.

Lily didn't ask any more questions about Remus, and the rest of the way back they kept the conversation pretty light-hearted. Back inside the castle, Lily bumped into her friends, who eyed her and James curiously before dragging Lily away with them. James remained still for a moment, looking in the direction Lily had disappeared.

A happy bubbling feeling filled his stomach. They were _actually_ getting to know each other. He had loved talking to her, and she seemed to have enjoyed it as well.

James made his way up the staircases, eager to tell his friends about his afternoon. When he reached the seventh floor he started heading down the deserted corridor which led to the portrait of The Fat Lady.

Suddenly, something hit James from behind and made him tumble down on the ground. Stunned and unable to process what was going on, James automatically tried to get back on his feet, but a sudden burning pain in his chest made him gasp and fall back on the floor.

 _Snape_.

James' wand flew out of his hand and down the corridor before he was able to fight back. He tried to stand up a second time, but a heavy blow hit his head, and the world quickly seemed to darken around him. For a moment, James remained half-sitting on the ground, swaying slightly from side to side, before everything went completely black.


	11. A Sudden Setback (Sirius)

**11\. A Sudden Setback (Sirius)**

A soft blare of rain tapping against the window filled the silence. The sun had disappeared behind the massive grey veil of clouds which now filled the sky. To make up for the lack of natural light, the librarian Madam Pince had spent the last ten minutes lighting every candle in the library.

Sirius sank deeper into the baggy sofa and sighed. Regulus, sitting opposite him, leaned in closer to the table and took a better look at the chessboard.

"Hope Lewis", said Sirius.

"Who?" Regulus asked without looking up.

"She's a Hufflepuff."

Regulus huffed.

"What? She's hot!" Sirius defended himself.

Regulus turned up his head and gave Sirius a little smirk. "But she's a Hufflepuff," he said, like that settled the matter. "If you don't care what house they are in you should totally meet Rose Phillips," he then added, looking back down at the board. "She's really good looking."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Slytherin?"

"Yeah."

Sirius laughed. "Not a chance."

"You might want to take that back when you see her," Regulus mumbled. "Knight to B5."

Regulus' white knight immediately made an elegant jump to B5.

"Would you consider hooking up with a Gryffindor girl?" Sirius wondered.

"I'm not sure they would be very interested in _me_." Regulus smiled wryly.

"True," said Sirius. "But still, would you?"

"It's your turn," Regulus informed Sirius.

Sirius heaved himself into a sitting position and leaned in towards the chessboard to study his pieces.

"If it's just a hookup, then sure," Regulus answered.

Sirius looked away from the board to look at his brother. "In that case, what's your problem with a Hufflepuff?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged. "They're boring."

"Have you ever even talked to a Hufflepuff?" Sirius wanted to know.

Regulus smirked. "Not really." He shifted position on the sofa he was sitting in. "Are you going to play today?" he said sarcastically.

Sirius turned his attention back to the chess game. "Queen to F4."

Sirius' Queen swooshed across the board, knocking over one of Regulus' pieces.

"Ha!" Sirius exclaimed. "Hufflepuffs aren't boring," he then continued. "They are kind of the mysterious House. Who even knows what their traits are? That makes Hope Lewis exotic."

"So, hook up with her," said Regulus with his eyes on the board.

Sirius fell back down in the sofa with a soft thud, sinking down an inch into the cushion. He rested his neck against the top of the backrest, gazing up at the ceiling. "I might," he said.

Sirius and Regulus had spent a lot of time together during the past two weeks. The castle was filled with common rooms meant for all houses, where they could meet up on neutral territory. Sirius did actually enjoy their meetings. It was exciting being undercover.

That Sirius was hanging out with Regulus was something James couldn't wrap his head around, though, and he kept bothering Sirius with questions about it. Sirius totally got where James was coming from; if it had been the other way around Sirius would have wondered what the hell James was doing. Sirius didn't like keeping secrets from James, but he knew James would think his plan was stupid and dangerous, and he would try to stop Sirius if he found out. Since Sirius wouldn't answer James' questions James was kind of pissed at him, which sucked. But at the same time, James should really cut him some slack. How many times would he ask Sirius why he was hanging out with Regulus before he just accepted it?

The first step of Sirius' plan had been to gain Regulus' trust, which he had now succeeded with.

"Queen to C6," said Regulus.

Without lifting his head, Sirius lazily glanced at Regulus.

He needed to move on to part two.

Sirius sat up straighter, feeling tense at the mere thought of giving it a shot. He couldn't just bluntly confess that he supported Voldemort. That would be extremely suspicious. It had to be done more elegantly than that. He had to start by planting the thought of him being a Voldemort-supporter in Regulus' mind.

In an attempt to look casual Sirius threw an arm to rest on the backrest as he once again leaned back in the sofa. "I would date Elizabeth Walker," he said, his heartbeat picking up. He paused for a moment, before finally adding in his most resentful tone: "But she's a muggle-born."

Sirius, observing Regulus closely, could hardly missed him frowning.

Regulus shifted his weight, his eyes locked at Sirius. "I'm sorry, what?"

Sirius averted his gaze, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Yeah, you know," he said. "They're like blond girls; a little slow."

Sirius looked back at his brother. Regulus had rested his elbow on the table, leaning his head in his palm as he stared at Sirius with narrowing eyes.

Stressed, Sirius threw up his hands. "What?" he said defensively.

Regulus raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you have a problem with mudbloods?" he asked.

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed they're kind of stupid?" said Sirius, trying to remind Regulus that they (as far as Regulus knew) shared common ground.

Regulus let his arm fall down on the table, leaning in while keeping eye contact with Sirius. "You've spent your _life_ trying to convince me their kind is just like us," he said heatedly.

Sirius stared back at Regulus, anger flashing through him because of his brother's hostility.

"Well _maybe_ you don't know me," Sirius snapped. "It's not like you've made a lot of effort through the years."

"Only last month you got mad when I said 'mudblood'," said Regulus cooly.

Sirius wanted to punch himself. That had been a huge fucking slip up. _Why_ had he said that?

"Just because I know how to express myself more elegantly-" Sirius began, grasping at straws in his attempt to gloss over the mistake.

"Oh," Regulus interrupted Sirius, mockingly mimicking honest surprise. "I get it now. You are just so much more _classy_ than me."

"That's right," Sirius bit back. "Regulus, what is your problem? How can you possibly get mad when I agree with you? Are you thick or something?"

"You don't agree with me," Regulus huffed. "Do you think I'm stupid?" He slowly shook his head from side to side. "You never take anything serious. Go and fuck with someone else. Someone who might actually swallow your lies."

"What do you mean I never take anything seriously?" Sirius snapped. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He could take things seriously. He was being a spy for Merlin's sake.

"Exactly what it sounds like," Regulus answered arrogantly. "Okay, Sirius, so tell me; why are you doing this?"

Sirius stared at Regulus in silence, heart thumping firmly in his chest, debating whether or not to state he supported Voldemort. It was already going downhill anyway, so really, he had nothing to lose.

"You-Know-Who," Sirius whispered, making sure the rest of the library wouldn't hear it.

This caught Regulus' interest. Momentarily, he dropped his hostility as surprise flashed across his face. "What about him?" Regulus asked, still sounding far from friendly.

"I support him."

The sentence had an immediate effect, but far from what Sirius had hoped for. Regulus face turned rather furious, his mouth slightly open in bewildering. "You know, Sirius," said Regulus calmly. "I'm tired of your bullshit."

"It's not bullshit! I'm telling you the truth," Sirius exclaimed in a last attempt to fix the situation.

"Like hell you are!"

They had both raised their voices, and now Regulus stood up, towering over Sirius who still sat on the sofa. Sirius immediately shot up as well.

"What's wrong with you?" Sirius hissed, trying to play the emotional card. "My friends would turn their back on me if they knew. I'm telling you because I thought I could trust you!"

"Apparently _I_ can't trust _you_ ," said Regulus harshly. "I actually thought you were cool, but I get it now." He slowly shook his head. "This is all a big joke to you."

"It's not a joke you fucking idiot," said Sirius. "Why the hell would I lie?"

"Honestly, Sirius, I have no clue," said Regulus arrogantly. "Now fuck off."

"Fuck off yourself," Sirius countered.

"With pleasure." Regulus raised a sarcastic eyebrow. He spun around and disappeared behind a bookshelf.

Swearing, Sirius kicked one of the table's legs, causing the chess pieces to rain down on the floor.

 _Fucking Regulus._

Sirius had to admit it was over now. He had lost his chance.

Two weeks. That was how long he had lasted. He hadn't even come over any kind of information. He really was the worst spy ever.

But it wasn't only his fault. It was actually offensive Regulus thought he was lying. Sure, it was the truth, but still. Regulus didn't know that.

" _What_ do you think you are doing?!"

Sirius was jerked out of his thoughts by the sudden cry text to him. His head shot up and he met Madam Pince's angry grey eyes uncomfortably close to his face. Automatically, Sirius took a couple of steps backwards.

"What?!" Sirius snapped.

"Shouting in my library!" Madam Pince continued. "And don't think I didn't see that!" She pointed at the chess pieces on the floor.

Sirius gave her an irritated look. He really didn't have time for this.

"I'm leaving now," he informed her.

Sirius quickly passed her before she could react and started walking through the library.

"You clean this up!" Madam Pince shouted after him.

Sirius ignored her.

 _Who's the one making noise in the library now?_ he thought.

The commotion had not gone unnoticed by any student in the library. They all stared up from their books to glare at Sirius as he passed.

When Sirius exited the library he immediately turned left in the corridor, made his way to the stairwell and stepped on to the first staircase he saw. The staircase slowly started to move across the room. Sirius put his arms on the stone parapet and leaned on it, looking out over the grand stairwell with all its paintings.

Sirius felt strangely drained. He had worked to become a spy since the term started, and now when it abruptly ended he felt a little pointless. One thing he was sure of, however. James, Remus and Peter couldn't know anything was wrong. Sirius embarrassing failure was something they never needed to know about.

When Sirius reached the seventh floor he made his way down the corridor leading to the Gryffindor Tower. In her frame, The Fat Lady was dining with a woman who momentarily was visiting her painting. When Sirius stopped in front of them, The Fat Lady put down the dried plum she was eating and leaned closer.

"Are you okay, honey?" she asked while chewing loudly.

"Tessera," said Sirius, not bothering to answering her.

"Okay then," said the Fat Lady, sounding slightly offended as she swung open.

Sirius climbed inside and immediately began searching the full common room for his friends. He found Remus and Peter sitting in two red armchairs next to each other. They greeted Sirius when he walked up to them.

"Where's James?" Sirius wondered, sweeping his eyes over the common room once again.

"We don't know," said Peter. "We thought he was with you."

Sirius shook his head. "No. "Maybe he's stalking Lily," he jokingly added after a moment.

"In that case, he's not doing a very good job," Remus smirked, jerked his head in Lily's direction.

Sirius smirked back at Remus.

"Well he better show up soon," Sirius continued. "I want to grab some dinner."

"We could check the map?" Peter suggested. "To see where he is."

"Good idea," Sirius agreed.

Remus and Peter stood up, and together the three of them started to climb the stairs to the dormitory.

Sirius, Remus and Peter made their way inside their dormitory and Remus dug up the Marauder's Map from his trunk. The three of them seated themselves on Remus' bed and Remus unfolded the map.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," said Remus, pointing his wand at the parchment.

At once, thin ink lines began to spread like a spider's web from the point that Remus' wand had touched. They joined each other, they criss-crossed, they fanned into every corner of the parchment; then words began to blossom across the top, great, curly green words, that proclaimed:

 _Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs_

 _Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers_

 _are proud to present_

 _THE MARAUDER'S MAP_

The map showed every detail of the Hogwarts castle and its grounds, along with every person's location. Sirius, James and Remus had been working on it since their second year. It had been a pain in the ass at times since the magic involved to make the map function was extremely complex and difficult to perform. But it had all been worth it. The Marauder's map was amazing and extremely useful. Sirius was also immensely proud that they had created such a powerful magical object.

Sirius, Remus and Peter started to search the map for James. Every person on the map was marked with a little black dot which moved on the map whenever it's counterpart moved in the real world. Every dot was accompanied by a name tag stating the person's full name. Even though Sirius, Remus and Peter had that useful tool, finding James could turn out to be difficult. The castle was big, and in crowded areas, the students' name tags repeatedly shielded each other from view.

It was dinner time, and on the map Sirius, Remus and Peter watched as more and more Gryffindors left the common room as they flooded through the corridor leading from the Gryffindor Tower to the stairwell. Sirius leaned in closer and tried to make out separate people in the tangle of names.

Suddenly, Sirius' eyes were drawn to a single dot a short distance from the cramped corridor. The dot was in an otherwise empty classroom connected to the corridor. It said _James Potter_.

"There!" Sirius pointed at James' name tag.

Remus and Peter immediately leaned in as well to study the dot Sirius had pointed at.

There was no reason for him to be in an empty classroom?

Sirius and Remus shared a glance.

"Do you think Snape…?" Remus began.

"Maybe," said Sirius.

Snivellus' attacks were usually harmless, but after last year… Sirius was sure Snivellus could go pretty fucking far if he wanted to. And he totally wanted to.

Sirius, Remus and Peter left the dormitory and hastily walked down the stairs. The common room, which had been crammed with people only a short while ago, was now almost entirely empty. Sirius, Remus and Peter made their way into the corridor outside, which by then was quite deserted.

Remus took a second look at the map. "It's that classroom," he quietly told Sirius and Peter, pointing at a door to the left.

Sirius took the lead as they quickly walked up to the classroom. Sirius reached out a hand and opened the door. He stepped inside with Remus and Peter following him close behind. The door slid shut behind them.

The room was pitch dark.

"Lumos," Sirius, Remus and Peter chorused, and their wands all lit up with a white bowl of light.

Immediately, Sirius spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He automatically spun around on the spot to see what it was.

James was lying on his back a couple of feet from the door. His eyes were closed, but otherwise, he didn't look hurt. That didn't mean anything, though, since magic didn't have to leave a visible trace.

Sirius, Remus and Peter rushed up to James. Sirius sank down on his knees and grabbed James by the shoulder.

"James?" Sirius hissed, giving James' shoulder a gentle shake.

James didn't react.

" _Non dormienti_ ," said Remus, and a blue light shot out of the end of his wand, hitting James in the chest.

The spell was a general one to abate unconsciousness, whether it was a coma or a regular night's sleep. It worked on James, who stirred.

Suddenly James' eyes flew open. For a moment, he didn't seem to have a clue what was happening, then his eyes narrowed.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked, sounding worried.

"What happened?" Sirius exclaimed.

James tried to sit up but didn't seem to have the strength to do it on his own. Sirius shot out an arm and supported James into a sitting position.

James' eyes swept over the dark room. "Where are we?"

"Empty classroom," Sirius immediately answered. "James, what happened?" he repeated urgently.

James looked rather irritated as he absentmindedly massaged the back of his head. "Snape," he said.

Of course. That fucking piece of shit...

"Or I think it was him," James corrected himself. "I didn't see who it was."

"Of course it was him," said Sirius angrily.

How dared Snivellus? _They_ had never left him unconscious for several hours.

"Are you okay?" Remus repeated.

"What did he do?" Peter asked.

James flicked his eyes between the three of them. "Someone attacked me. Knocked me out." he explained, before adding: "I'm fine, except my head kinda hurts. And I can't see," he added.

First now, Sirius noticed James wasn't wearing his glasses.

Without turning around, Remus lifted his wand. "Accio glasses," he said clearly.

The four of them silently watched as a small object immediately rushed into Remus' hand from a dark corner. Remus stared down at it in silence for a moment, frowning. Then he raised his wand and pointed it at the object.

"Reparo," said Remus.

James, who had started to stand up, sighed. "He broke them?" he asked disbelievingly.

Sirius snorted.

What a petty thing to do. Seemed just like Snivellus' style.

Sirius stood up as well.

"Not just that apparently," Remus responded, handing the object over to James.

Sirius leaned closer to take a better look as well. He had expected a pair of broken glasses but was met with a small, oddly shaped black ball lying in the palm of James' hand. It wasn't solid or smooth but consisted of twisted thin metal sticks going in all directions, creating a ball-shape. After studying the ball for a moment Sirius could kind of make out that they used to be a pair of glasses.

"I can't mend them," Remus explained. "It was done by magic."

"He's not getting away with this," Sirius promised angrily.

To Sirius surprise, James immediately objected.

"No," said James hurriedly. "Don't attack Snape. We don't even know if it was him."

Sirius stared at James in disbelief. "You too?" he asked irritated. "Is Remus contagious?"

James laughed joylessly.

"Very much so, I'm afraid," Remus answered dryly. "Just avoid the fangs and you'll be fine."

Sirius snorted. "I meant your stand on the Snivilius-thing," he clarified.

"I agree with James," said Remus. "We decided not to attack Snape, and like James said, we don't even know if it's him."

Sirius huffed. "You two can't be serious!" He turned to look at James, hoping to knock some sense into him. "Snivellus just attacked you! He destroyed your glasses. And you are just going to let it slide?"

James started back kind of sheepishly. "Look," he said. "Don't think I'm okay with this. But I just talk to Lily-"

Sirius groaned. "Padfoot, this is not the moment to impress a girl who's never even going to like you back!"

James looked slightly offended.

"I'm sorry, but it's true," Sirius added a little more softly.

"Actually," said James in a clear voice. "I talked with Lily this afternoon. I actually think she likes me, and we talked about Snape and-"

"James-" Sirius cut in, but James interrupted him.

"Okay, it's a long story, but I really can't think of anything I'd like to do less than attack Snape."

Sirius stared at him. "What did Lily do to you?" he snarled.

James ignored him. "Let's get out of here," he said.

Offended he wasn't listening to him, Sirius stared at James. Before he could speak, however, James headed for the classroom door, Remus as Peter right behind. Irritated, Sirius turned around and followed them.

The four of them gathered in a small circle in the empty corridor outside. James, obviously sensing Sirius was still annoyed, gave him a friendly smile.

"Let's grab some dinner, shall we?" James asked, looking directly at Sirius.

"Okay," Sirius answered surly.

Sirius had to admit James was allowed a break, considering he had just been attacked. But Sirius wasn't done with this discussion (which should not even have been a discussion). Snivellus was not going to get away with this.

The four of them started to walk down the corridor, when suddenly, James wobbled. Immediately Sirius reached out a hand around James to steady him. James gasped, and grabbed onto Sirius' shoulder for support.

"My chest hurts," James got out, pressing his free hand against his torso.

Sirius shared worried glances with Remus and Peter.

"Should we go to the Hospital Wing?" Peter asked.

James drew a sharp breath, gripping Sirius shoulder harder. "Ow!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah. Yeah, we are," Remus decided.

Sirius, Remus and Peter all helped supporting James as their made their way to the Hospital Wing (James refused to let them levitate him since he didn't want other students to see something was wrong). Madam Pomfrey, looking stern as they explained what had happened, took James in before sending Sirius, Remus and Peter away.

" _Now,_ Snape's going to pay for this," Sirius firmly stated as they walked away from the Hospital Wing.

"Sirius, no!" Remus irritatedly exclaimed.

Sirius couldn't believe his ears.

"He hurt James!" Sirius shot back. "And he's trying to ruin your life! Why don't you care?!"

Remus looked hesitant and didn't answer.

"I honestly don't understand." Sirius continued, sharply. "Please explain.

"I do care!" Remus exclaimed. "You are just going around this the wrong way."

"And what's the right way? Doing nothing?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"Look, James explicitly told you not to do anyth-"

"Peter agrees with me," Sirius cut Remus off, before turning to Peter. "Don't you Pete?"

Peter looked a little startled. "Yeah…" he said after a moment.

"See." Sirius turned around to Remus again.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "You know, do what you want," he said angrily. "Why care about what James and I think? Our opinions clearly don't matter."

Remus turned his gaze forward and kept walking in silence. Sirius stared disbelievingly at him.

"James is in the Hospital Wing," Sirius said very clearly. "Snivellus hurt him _that_ bad. Like I told you he would! That is unacceptable and I don't understand how you can be mad at _me_ when you should be mad at Snivellus."

"What I don't understand is how you think attacking Snape is going to do anything except lowering you to his level," said Remus.

"It's about justice," Sirius told him.

"Oh, so you don't want to help James after all," said Remus sarcastically. "It's only about your vendetta."

"It should be _our_ vendetta," Sirius pointed out. "Or maybe you don't care about James?"

Remus made a theatrical sigh to show how annoyed he was.

Sirius couldn't understand how Remus was thinking. Attacking Snivellus wouldn't make it any easier for Snivellus to figure out that Remus was a werewolf, so that really wasn't an issue. And why would James want Lily if she wouldn't accept he fought back? It was doing nothing that caused the real damage. That way they showed Snivellus he could do whatever he wanted and they wouldn't lift a finger to stop him.

It was no point arguing with Remus any longer though since he didn't seem to want to be convinced.

But that didn't stop Sirius. At least _he_ was going to do something about it.

The rest of the way back to the Gryffindor Tower was spent in silence.

* * *

Sirius walked slowly along the corridor wall. The empty corridor was dimly lit by the few torches which had been left burning. It wasn't curfew yet, but not many students were still up and moving.

Peter's claws dug uncomfortably into Sirius' shoulder as the rat tried to steady himself on the small area. It was worth it, however, since it was so much more comfortable being the only human under the invisibility cloak. Now Sirius was actually able to move very freely without having to worry about the cloak not covering his whole body.

Sirius and Peter were on their way to the Slytherin common room. Sirius didn't exactly have a plan of what he should do to Snivellus, but was sure he would come up with something.

Sirius, Remus and Peter had visited James in the Hospital Wing after dinner. Madam Pomfrey had healed James by then, but James had told them that she'd said it was dark magic that had knocked him unconscious.

 _Dark_ _magic_.

And _still_ , James and Remus thought they shouldn't seek revenge on Snivellus.

Remus had been pissed when Sirius and Peter left the Gryffindor Tower ten minutes ago. Honestly, Sirius didn't care. Remus could be mad. Sirius' best friend was still lying in the Hospital Wing because of Snivellus. That was something he couldn't forgive.

Sirius kept sneaking through the corridor, soon reaching the gigantic stairwell. This part of the castle was lit as weakly as the corridor. There was no one in sight, but a few staircases were nonetheless moving across the room, transporting nothing but cold air. Sirius stepped on a staircase close to him, making his way down. When Sirius finally reached the bottom of the stairwell he took a right into a corridor, heading towards the marble staircase.

The corridor which led to the marble staircase was also connected to the corridor where the library was located. Memories of Sirius meeting with Regulus that afternoon washed over him.

 _Ugh_. He had been so stupid. It had been way too soon to bring up Voldemort. What had he been thinking?

Sirius turned away from the sight of the corridor and was just about to step out on the marble staircase when he suddenly heard a very familiar voice coming from behind.

 _Snivellus_.

Automatically, Sirius spun around, which caused Peter to lose his grip. Sirius felt the little body swing dangerously close to the edge and made a sudden halt, his hand shooting up to steady Pete before he started to fall.

"Sorry, Pete," Sirius mumbled, steading the rat with his hand.

When he was sure Peter wouldn't fall Sirius started to make his way down the corridor which led to the library. It was as poorly lit as the rest of the school, but he immediately spotted Snivellus and Lily standing by the closed door that led to the library. Sirius stopped.

What the _hell_ were they doing together?

"But you're not listening to me!" Snivellus exclaimed angrily.

"I am listening to you," said Lily cooly. "I am not, however, changing my mind. Just because I listen to you doesn't mean you'll convince me."

Sirius immediately felt soothed. They were fighting. All was right with the world.

"But if you could just-" Snivellus began.

"No!" Lily interrupted. "Sev, I don't want your apology," she said in a final tone.

"Apparently James Potter is allowed to make apologies," said Snivellus surly, looking like a spoiled child being told off.

Lily's eyes narrowed when Snivellus brought up James.

"I saw you hanging out with him," Snivellus continued.

"Great to know you're spying on me," said Lily sarcastically.

"I'm not spying on you! I just happen to see it."

 _Sure you did_ , Sirius thought. Spying on people was what Snivellus did best.

"How can you even compare yourself to James Potter?" Lily continued. "He was a bloody douchebag, but he still didn't come close to your level."

A rush of satisfaction filled Sirius. Ha! Lily prefered James. That must really sting for Snivellus.

"How can you even say that? We were friends!" Snivellus pathetically exclaimed.

" _Were_ , yes," said Lily, emphasizing on the past tense. "Believe me, Sev," she continued, now sounding less sharp. "I wish we could still be friends. But we can't."

Snivellus looked startled, and, for a moment, hope flashed across his face.

"I've changed," he said, sounding calmer.

"No, you haven't," said Lily firmly. "You still have the same opinions. You're still hanging out with those people-"

"I don't. I'll stop hanging out with them-"

"I don't want you to stop in an attempt to impress me," Lily snapped. "I want you to do it because _you_ want to." She paused for a moment, staring Snivellus down. "You really haven't changed a bit, have you?"

"I don't even like them," said Snivellus weakly. He went quiet again. "I miss you."

God, could he be more pathetic?

Lily was quiet as she stared at Snivellus. After a moment she averted her gaze.

"Goodbye, Sev." Lily made an attempt to walk away, but Snivellus took a step towards her and grabbed her wrist.

"Wait!" he cried.

Tensing up, Sirius instinctively stepped closer, wanting to protect Lily. Who did Snivellus think he was? Him physically trying to stop Lily from leaving showed what a creep he really was. What if he would try to use dark magic on her too? It was good that Sirius was here...

Lily had stopped abruptly when Snivellus touched her, but she didn't look scared.

"Let go of me," she demanded.

Snivellus immediately retreated his hand like he'd burned himself.

"I'm sorry," Snivellus hastily apologised.

Lily didn't respond. Instead, she turned around and walked out of the corridor.

Good.

Sirius kept his eyes on Snivellus, making sure he wasn't taking out his wand or anything. Snivellus didn't seem to be in the mood for hexing old friends though. He stayed still, staring in the direction Lily had disappeared. His hands hanged lifelessly along his sides.

Sirius stood to Snivellus' right. Invisible. Snivellus had no idea he was there.

It was the ultimate opportunity for an attack.

Sirius reached his hand inside his robes and grabbed his wand as he carefully took a couple of steps backwards. Peter started to move around on his shoulder, the little claws once again digging into Sirius' skin.

Sirius stopped right behind Snivellus, carefully raising his wand and pointing it at Snivellus.

Now was the time to do it.

A second past.

 _Now._

Snivellus suddenly started walking down the corridor.

Swearing internally, Sirius steadied his grip around the wand.

He could still easily hit him. Like shooting a fish in a barrel…

Speeding up, Snivillius' step echoed in the empty corridor as he quickly walked through it, soon disappearing behind the corner.

Sirius stayed completely still, appalled by his own actions.

"Fuck," he swore under his breath, lowering his wand.

What was wrong with him? He had had the perfect opportunity...

"I guess I'll do as James said," Sirius mumbled to Peter, trying to convince himself as much as Peter he'd made the right call. "It really should be his decision."

He tucked away his wand before following Lily's and Snivillius' lead and walked out of the corridor. With Peter still on his shoulder he started to make his way back to the Gryffindor Tower.

Now he wanted to sleep.


	12. Page three hundred and ninety-four (R)

**12\. Page three hundred and ninety-four (Remus)**

A row of windows on the left wall ran all the way from front to back in the spacious classroom. The right side was covered by dark oak bookshelves full of leather-bound tomes. The seats in the classroom were divided in two, parted with an aisle in the middle, leading from the door to the dais where Professor Prequan's desk, and at the moment Professor Prequan himself, were.

Remus had picked a seat next to the window for two reasons. He enjoyed the sunlight immersing him, giving a shallow illusion of being outside. He also enjoyed sitting close to the wall, which offered some shelter, compared to the seats next to the aisle.

Peter, on Remus' left, was leaning over a piece of parchment, mindlessly scribbling. In the seats in front of the two of them, James and Sirius were quietly chatting with each other.

"Good afternoon," Professor Prequan greeted the seated class.

"Good afternoon," they all chorused back as the buzz died down.

Remus liked Defense Against the Dark Arts - he always had. It was interesting, and he was good at it. And in times like these, it was, sadly, a highly crucial skill to have. Since the term started they had worked with spells, first going through old ones they already knew, before moving on to new, more complicated ones.

"Today," said Professor Prequan. "We will start covering Beasts, Spirits and Beings."

An excited murmur rose in the classroom. Magical creatures were always a favourite.

"Now, you might wonder why I didn't use the term 'Dark Creatures', or perhaps why I included Beings at all since we humans belong to that category," said Professor Prequan.

The class looked back at him sheepishly.

"Dark Creatures isn't, as one might think, an official term," Professor Prequan continued. "It lacks a formal definition and is instead used by wizards and witches in day to day life, describing any Beast, Spirit or Being that frighten them. Therefore, the meaning of the term 'Dark Creature' might vary from person to person." Professor Prequan peered out over the class. "So, that still begs the question: why did I include Beings? Anyone?"

Among a few others, Remus raised his hand.

Professor Prequan swept his eyes over the class before settling on Remus. "Yes, Mr Lupin?"

James and Sirius both turned around slightly in their seats to look at Remus, Sirius giving him a smirk.

Remus paid more attention to the Ministry's classification of magical creatures than any other boy his age.

"Beings refers to a number of creatures, not just humans," said Remus, which earned him a nod from Professor Prequan. "Some Beings would be considered as 'Dark Creatures' by the public." Remus paused for a moment before adding: "Like Vampires."

"Very good, five points to Gryffindor," said Professor Prequan. He turned around to the blackboard and wrote three titles, labelled _Beasts_ , _Spirits_ respectively _Beings_. Under _Beings_ , he then wrote down _Vampires_. He turned back to the class. "But unless Dark Creatures, Beasts, Spirits, and Beings all have official definitions," he said. "What is the requirement to qualify as a Being?"

About a handful of people raised their hands, Remus among them. This time Professor Prequan gave the question to James.

"A Being is any creature who's intelligent enough to understand and follow laws," James explained.

"Correct. Five points to Gryffindor," said Professor Prequan. "The definition of Spirits and Beasts are a bit fuzzier," he continued. "Both groups contain creatures that are _not_ intelligent enough to understand or follow laws, but there is no clear rule for how to divide these creatures between Spirits and Beasts. But we are going to try. Can anyone tell me another creature and place it in one of these categories?"

Hand after hand shot up, everyone feeling confident enough to answer the question, and in a joint effort, the class had eventually listed a considerable number of magical creatures. When they reached werewolves, a discussion erupted as no one could agree if they were to be placed with _Beasts_ or _Beings_.

Thankful for his place against the wall, Remus turned his gaze downwards and started doodling on his parchment.

"It's obviously a Beast," Roy Forell stated confidently.

The class hummed in agreement.

"Werewolves are Beings, idiot," Sirius countered.

Actually, they were both. Sirius knew that, but he seemed to argue rather for the way he thought things ought to be, than how they actually were.

"Language, Mr Black," Professor Prequan interrupted sharply. "Five points from Gryffindor."

"Werewolves doesn't think like wizards," Roy continued. "When they're wolves they turn into complete savages for Merlin's sake."

"Yeah; when they are wolves," Sirius repeated. "But otherwise they're like any other wizard."

"How can you be sure?" Roy sneered. "Is it so impossible they're actually savages all the time. I mean, I wouldn't trust a werewolf, would you?"

More hums of agreement.

Remus was acclimated to wizards' and witches' all but kind views of werewolves. Considering werewolves to be monsters was the norm, and on most days he didn't get hurt hearing those claims. It didn't shock him anymore and had turned into background noise. Of course, the fact that basically all of the wizarding world unanimously hated him was immensely disheartening. It was a feeling that constantly kept Remus company, but he didn't blame any individual for it. It was a problem that reached beyond a couple of narrow-minded wizards and witches. Besides, if he disliked everyone who held such opinions, there wouldn't be many people he could stand in the world.

Right now Sirius seemed to be more upset than Remus, as he glared at Roy. Sirius' support was comforting, but also dangerous. He definitely stood out by defending a werewolf, which made Remus nervous. Hopefully, everyone would think it was just Sirius being Sirius. He had always been radical, and never the one to back down. But if Sirius kept pushing it, people would get suspicious.

Remus kept his gaze fixed at Sirius.

 _Just keep your mouth shut._

Thankfully, Sirius seemed to realise there was a line. He sank back in his seat. "Whatever, I still think they are Beings," he concluded in a restrained voice.

"Black says Beings, Forell says Beast" Professor Prequan interrupted. "Who's in favour of Black?"

Sirius suffered a bitter defeat, with only a couple of students on his side.

"Actually," said Professor Prequan, turning back to the board, now filled with white crayon. He wrote down 'werewolves' twice, once under each of the two categories. "You could place it in both categories," he then said, facing the class. "Whether werewolves are a beast or a being has been widely discussed, and the Ministry of Magic has had trouble making up its mind. At the moment, werewolves in human form are considered to be Beings, and werewolves in wolf form are considered as Beasts."

"We're actually going to talk about Beasts today," Professor Prequan continued, circling the Beasts he had written down on the board with his crayon. "Why don't we start with werewolves, and maybe at the end of class we'll united be able to categorise them." He paused, looking out over the class. "Firstly, what is a werewolf?"

Professor Prequan presided to go through the definition of a werewolf and its most defining traits. Remus quietly listened and observed as everyone in the class, except for himself, James and Sirius, took careful notes. Sirius, leaned back toward the wall, mostly stared blankly in front of him, sometimes glancing at Remus over his shoulder.

"Has anyone of you ever met a werewolf?" Professor Prequan asked.

The question caused Remus to lower his head even more, hiding a smile. The class stayed silent.

"If you meet one," Professor Prequan continued. "Would you know how to defend yourself?"

Avada Kedavra, enough Stupify-spells, or even a decent enchanted knife… People made werewolves out to be this terrifying indestructible monster, but really it wasn't trickier to kill them than any ordinary wizard.

"Anyone?" Professor Prequan peered out over them. "Perhaps... Miss Evans," he said when no one answered, gesturing at Lily. "Do you have a theory?"

Lily looked a little startled to been asked for her opinion. "Well," she began hesitantly. "In the muggle world, it's said you can only kill them by shooting them with silver bullets?"

Professor Prequan gave a short nod. "Yes. That is, however, only muggle nonsense. Silver can't hurt a werewolf anymore than it will hurt any of us."

When Professor Prequan began to list every method Remus' classmates could use to murder him, Remus had had enough. He began to sketch on his parchment again, ignoring the lesson taking place. He was happy to leave the classroom when the hour finally was up.

* * *

The library was a huge hall filled to the brim with wooden bookshelves so tall you had to climb a ladder to reach the top shelves. Some ran across the walls and others stood in neat rows along the room, dividing it into smaller areas. Tables, comfortable armchairs and sofas could be found scattered all over, usually occupied by a group of quietly laughing friends or loners trying to get some homework done. Today, Remus belonged to the second category.

Remus had a favourite spot at the back of the library. A table by a window was surrounded by bookshelves, creating a small secluded room within the library. It was perfect for studying, but, unsurprisingly, he wasn't the only one who favoured the spot, which meant it was often taken.

This time he was lucky, however. When Remus reached the spot there was no one else there. He seated himself at the table and took out his Astronomy textbook and a fresh piece of parchment from his bag. He continued the sketch of the planets' positions from their last Astronomy lesson.

After a while, Remus heard muffled steps on the other side of the bookshelf, and out of the corner of his eye, he spotted someone appearing in the opening between the bookshelves. He looked up, his eyes landing on Lily, who'd stopped in front of the table. She looked slightly taken aback to find him here.

"I'm sorry," she said gently. "I thought it was empty here." She made a slight pause. "Is it okay if I sit down?"

"Sure," said Remus, even though he preferred she didn't. He made an inviting gesture with his hand.

Lily took the seat opposite him. "Thanks," she smiled.

Remus timidly smiled back, before lowering his gaze to his drawing. He picked up his quill and aimlessly let his had hover above the parchment, suddenly unsure of what to do next.

"How are you holding up, Remus?", Lily asked.

Remus looked up at Lily again. She seemed genuinely concerned.

He offered her an awkward smile. "I'm fine."

Lily seemed far from convinced.

Really," Remus added, wishing she would let it go.

Fooling Lily he had cancer made him uncomfortable. It felt dishonest to get her sympathy for an illness he did not have. Although, to be fair, he did have an illness, just not the one she thought it was.

"Madam Pomfrey is good at keeping the cancer at bay," he continued, to offer some kind of explanation.

"Good." She gave him a friendly smile.

Remus hummed unenthusiastically. There was an awkward pause.

Was it disrespectful of him if he continued to study...?

"I've never heard of any other wizard who got cancer," said Lily thoughtfully.

Remus, who had been glancing at his Astronomy homework, tensed up and looked back at Lily, finding himself trapped in her intense green gaze.

 _That's because wizards could cure cancer in a second._

Remus diverted his eyes.

"Maybe it's not common for wizards. But my mother's a muggle, so perhaps it's because I'm half a muggle," he rambled.

"Oh, yeah, maybe," said Lily, thankfully without looking suspicious. "I didn't know your mother was a muggle," she added after a moment of silence.

Remus gave a short nod to confirm it.

"Does she and your father live together…?" Lily trailed off.

Remus relaxed with the change of subject. "Yeah," he answered.

Lily smiled. "That's great. It can't be easy to make it work. I've heard a lot of stories about wizard-muggle couples who split up for one reason or another. Because the muggle got scared when they found out the truth, or that it was too complicated for them to live in two worlds at once."

"Yeah," Remus mumbled. "But for my mother and father, that hasn't been the case. My family lives in both worlds and it works out fine."

Remus' father was a world-renowned authority and author on non-beings, his mother a muggle professor who taught English and biology. They lived on a muggle street, and Lyall had been to countless of muggle museums, restaurants and enjoyed a variety of muggle activities. Hope had seen Diagon Alley, Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, and used magical objects in her daily life (like her favourite tea set with a teapot that poured tea on its own, complete with a milk jug and a sugar bowl which also served the user without them needing to lift a finger). They had both invited each other into their worlds and saw no need to compromise.

"What's your mother's name?" Lily wondered.

"Hope."

"That's pretty."

Remus hummed.

"What's does she think about magic?" Lily asked. "About you and your father being wizards? Does she have any problem with that?"

"No," said Remus.

Hope actually considered herself lucky. Thanks to Lyall and Remus, she got to be a part of the wizarding world even though she was a muggle. As far as Remus knew she had never disapproved of their magic. She was a little jealous in the sense that she wished she'd been able to do magic too, but it didn't bother her too much, and she would never have blamed Remus or Lyall for that fact.

After a short moment of silence, Lily seemed to decide their chat was over and began to flip through one of the school books she'd brought with her. Remus returned to his Astronomy homework. He had finished sketching Saturn when the meaning of Lily's question sank in.

"Does _your_ family not approve of your magic?"

"Not all of them," she said bitterly after a moment, pressing her lips together, forming a thin, ironic smile.

Remus waited for her to evaluate

"My parents are really proud of me," she explained eventually. "But my sister hates me."

The resentment in Lily's voice caught Remus by surprise. Sometimes teenagers used the word 'hate' too loosely. This was not one of those times.

"She hates you because you're a witch?"

"And some people hate me because I'm not enough of a witch. Isn't the world a wonderful place?" Lily asked ironically.

Remus chuckled joylessly.

Remus didn't have any siblings, only two very loving parents. Therefore, he had never experienced any rivalry within the family himself.

"She wanted to be a witch, you know," said Lily. "She… she even wrote a letter to Dumbledore."

"She wrote a letter to Dumbledore?" Remus asked disbelievingly.

"If you think about it; why is that weird?" Lily sighed. "Who wouldn't wanna go to Hogwarts?"

During six years of Remus' life, he had believed he would never be able to attend Hogwarts, knowing every other wizard and witch were offered that opportunity. That had made him realise what squibs went through. But unlike squibs, and Lily's sister, at least Remus would have been able to learn magic anyway. Lyall had been set on homeschooling him before Dumbledore made a way for him to attend Hogwarts, so Remus would eventually have grown up to be able to do magic. Not being able to go to Hogwarts would have sucked, but for him, there had still been another way. There hadn't been one for Lily's sister.

"Yeah, you're right," Remus agreed.

"But obviously she couldn't go," Lily continued. "And well…" She grimaced. "When you can't have something…" She gave Remus a meaningful look.

Remus barely knew Lily, but her words caused a flash of anger to run through him.

"That's extremely unfair," he said.

"I want to hate her for it," Lily responded. "She was one of my best friends, and now she's completely turned her back on me. I'm truly happy I'm a witch... but it cost me my sister."

Remus didn't know what to say.

"But I kind of get where she's coming from," Lily continued after a moment of silence. "If it had been the other way around; If I had found out my sister had magic powers and was allowed to attend the most amazing school... " She trailed off. "Then maybe I would have hated her."

It was admirable how selflessly Lily accepted her sister's feelings.

"Yeah," said Remus. "If I would have known about the magical world but not been able to be a part of it… That would have made me very bitter..."

Lily hummed in agreement. "I'm glad that you agree," she said. "I'm afraid most people would use my sister as an example for why muggles are stupid and oppress wizards and witches."

Remus had a high empathy for outcasts, although he chose not to share that information with Lily.

"What do you mean most people would use that as an argument?" Remus wondered instead, frowning. "Do you mean people _want_ to argue that muggles are stupid and oppressive?"

"Yes," she said flatly.

"I mean besides Death Eaters," Remus clarified.

"I know," said Lily. "Haven't you noticed even the biggest You-Know-Who-opposer can say something condescending about muggles?"

Remus could come up with countless examples of nice wizards and witches who in one way or another been condescending towards werewolves, but he hadn't noticed the same trend when it came to muggles. Remus refrained the urge to defend werewolves. Instead, he slowly shook his head.

"The common attitude against muggles, Muggle-borns and squibs is really bad. It is inconsiderate and harmful, and lays the foundation to real, You-Know-Who-level of racism. And everyone's disregarding it!" Lily exclaimed.

"In what way?" Remus asked, a bit defensively, feeling Lily's scolding was directed at him.

Lily hadn't seemed the smallest bit uncomfortable when they'd discussed ways to kill a werewolf during the afternoon's lesson.

"Like today in class when Professor Prequan asked me how to kill a werewolf."

Remus jerked involuntarily. Baffled, he stared at Lily.

"I said silver bullets could kill a werewolf and he called it muggle nonsense. That means he thinks muggles are stupid for believing silver could stop a werewolf. How are they supposed to know? We have access to tons of information they don't have, not to mention the mere knowledge that werewolves actually exist, so of course our conclusion is going to be more accurate than theirs. That doesn't make muggles stupid."

Remus relaxed. "You're right. I didn't think of that," he admitted.

"That's just the thing. Nobody does," said Lily, frustrated.

"You did."

The shadow of a smile lured at Lily's lips.

"I don't think the werewolf appreciate that we discuss the best way to kill it," said Remus after a moment of silence, his heart rate picking up. This was dangerous territory, but he couldn't stop himself from bringing it up.

"That's true," said Lily thoughtfully. "That's really morbid when you think about it..."

Remus hummed. "Have you consider that before?" he wondered, giving Lily a small teasing smile.

Lily laughed dryly. "Actually I haven't. You got me there."

"I guess that makes us even," Remus smiled.

Lily chuckled. "I guess so."

Their conversation died out again, and Lily returned to her book.

Remus had to fight a smile. Anytime he met someone with an open mind was a good time. That Lily now agreed it was morbid to discuss the death of werewolves didn't have to mean much. She might still freak out if she ever found out one of her classmates was one, but it was a small win.

And as a werewolf, one had to cherish every small win.


	13. The Whomping Willow (Sirius)

**13\. The W** **homping Willow (Sirius)**

Sirius' hand moved slowly along the cold railing as he walked down the spiral staircase down to the Common Room. James and Peter, bent over the same table he'd left them at about an hour ago, slipped in and out of view as he descended in small circles around the stairs' middle pillar.

The Common Room was quite empty by now. A lot of people had retreated back to their dormitories, taking their annoyingly high cheerful voices with them. The buzz which now filled the room could hardly be heard over the crackling fire.

Smoothly Sirius made his way over the wooden floor. James and Peter were sitting by the high windows. On top of the open books flooding their table, Peter was hastily scribbling over his already messy parchment, looking distressed with a wrinkled forehead. James had leaned back in his armchair, lazily studying Peter as he worked.

They had a big assignment in Defence Against the Dark Arts on Monday, and Peter had literally not written a single word when he begged for James' help earlier that evening.

"How's it going, Pete?" Sirius wondered when he stopped in front of them.

Peter shrugged but then proceeded to go onto a detailed account of the many different reasons his essay was a pain in the ass. Sirius hummed sympathetically.

"Will you be done soon?" Sirius asked. They should have wrapped it up way sooner.

"No," said James dismissively while Peter miserably shook his head.

Sirius' eyes narrowed as he stared at James who in return didn't bother to look at him. Not because of James cool tone - he had been expecting that - but was James actually going to let this get out over Remus?

"We're kind of in a hurry," said Sirius with faux patience.

Remus had gone to the Shrieking Shack alone this time, like he always did when they meant to let him out. Those months they waited a couple of hours before going down to the Shack to make sure everyone else were sound asleep. Tonight it had suited James and Peter perfectly. But now they needed to be with Remus.

"We're not done," said James, actually dignifying Sirius with a look this time. "You can go ahead. We'll be right there."

"We only have one cloak," Sirius informed him.

"We'll take the cloak," said James. "We're two."

Peter had stopped concentrating on his essay and looked awkwardly between Sirius and James.

"And how do you suppose I'd get there?"

"It's not that late, I'm sure you'll manage to sneak out." James waved a hand dismissively.

Sirius looked at James with gritted teeth. Sure, it was true it wasn't curfew yet, but it would be difficult getting out of the castle without being seen.

Sirius threw a look at the high windows behind James and Peter. A blurry reflection of the common room stared back at him; James and Peter sitting in their fancy armchairs with Sirius standing in front of them like a disobedient child. It reminded him too much of all the times he'd been scolded by his parents. Above the red and orange reflection of the common room the dark sky spread out, twinkling with stars and a perfect circular moon.

Sirius gave a firm nod. "Okay," he said angrily, looking back at James. "Be that way."

Frustrated, Sirius turned around and left the two of them and began to make his way through the castle.

It had been a weird week. James and Remus had barely spoken to him, and he had the creeping feeling they were talking behind his back. Multiple times he'd walked into a room to find them close together, their conversation ending abruptly when laying eyes on him. They had probably had enough of his secrecy, and him disappearing on Halloween had been the last straw.

The four of them had been excited for the feast on the 31th of October, but then Regulus had ruined everything. Well, that wasn't true. But he could have picked a better moment. They had been standing in the Entrance hall, waiting for their turn to enter the Great Hall when Regulus showed up out of nowhere, pulling Sirius aside.

'Bella sent me a letter," he'd said a little breathlessly, trying to hold back his excitement. 'She's arranged for me to meet some... _friends_ of hers.'

It had taken a second before Sirius realised what Regulus ment. "I thought you didn't believe me," he'd said coldly.

Regulus had explained how he'd decided Sirius wasn't messing around after all. He was probably desperate to share his aspiration with his older brother, prepared to overlook all signs pointing in the opposite direction. But that suited Sirius perfectly. Of course he'd had to ditch his friends for an opportunity like that. That was what he had worked for.

Since Bella was one of Voldemort top-players Sirius had thought the meeting to be important. But he had been completely wrong. It had only been a social gathering to 'get to know the new blood', as one of the wizards had said, a friendly grin stretched across his stupid face. It had been entirely pointless. Sirius had spent the night sipping butterbeer and listening as Regulus and the Death Eaters discussed the insult of muggleborns at Hogwarts. Delightful.

All Sirius had accomplished was a dull night, angering his friends, and making Bella suspicious. She had not been happy to see him there, sceptically eying him the whole night. Sirius felt a jab of fear when he thought about it. What if she told his parents? They would tear him to pieces, not being as gullible as Regulus. On top of that, he had been forced to show Regulus one of the secret passageways to Hogsmeade. It had been necessary to get out of the sealed school, but all the secrets he and his friends had learned about the castle was something they wanted to keep to themselves. He had picked his least favorite way; a huge, but claustrophobic, tunnel system. If he was going to waste one of the passageways on Regulus it was going to be that one, but it had not been a fun hike. Sirius had almost got lost a couple of times, and he and Reglus, stressed and uncomfortable, had spent the entire time at each other's throats.

Sirius returned to the present as he left the castle and stepped outside into the cold November air. He swept his cloak tighter around him and shuttered. A pale, almost undestiguable ray of vapour left his mouth when he breathed out. He set of over the broad grounds; beginning a slow descent down gentle slopes and steep hills. It didn't take long before his robes were damped with melted frost from the grass caressing his legs. It was difficult to see where to put his feet, making him stumble over and over again on small rocks and irregularities in the soil he knew so well in daylight.

The Whomping Willow was far across the grounds. It stood alone on a meadow filled with knee-high grass waving softly in the chilly wind. The enormous black silhouette loomed over Sirius, its long, slender claw-like branches reaching out into the air. Right now the tree was still, but the moment Sirius stepped too close those branches would swoop right down in an attempt to slash him into pieces.

The steep hillsides from whence he came shielded the night's faint moonlight, keeping all but the far edge of the meadow in shadow. Glimpses of golden light from the castle windows far and high above seeked their way through naked branches and lush spruce trees growing on the mountains towering over him. Past the meadow, where the silvery light did reach, the dark wall of the Forbidden Forest spread out wide and thick.

A sudden movement by the mountainside on Sirius' right caught his eye. For a moment Sirius stood frozen with a racing heart, as a figure broke away from the shielding darkness and began to move across the meadow towards Sirius.

"Hello!" the figure called out, making Sirius jerk.

Sirius mouth gaped open in a silent protest. Then he clenched his jaw and straightened up, immediately reaching for his wand under his cloak.

He would recognise that voice anywhere.

The figure stopped a few feet away, still nothing more than a dark silhouette.

"Are you lost?" Sirius spoke eventually in a clear voice.

Snivellus huffed. "Black," he said, like he had expected nothing less.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius demanded.

"I could ask you the same," said Snivellus, the smirk in his voice impossible to miss. "It's nice out, isn't it," he continued in a casual voice, gesturing a hand at the scenery around them. "Perfect for a stroll in the _moonlight_."

Sirius froze.

 _No_.

"Great," he snapped when he regained the ability to speak. "Go and stroll somewhere else."

"You know," said Snivellus silkily. "I had this interesting Defence Against the Dark Arts class the other week." He made a slight pause. "Professor Prequan taught us all about werewolves."

Sirius stared at Snivellus in silence for a moment. "So?" he said, even though he knew the battle was already lost.

Snivellus laughed maliciously. "Where's Lupin?"

"I don't know," Sirius sneered. His heart hammered persistent in his chest. "Asleep?"

"No he isn't."

"Well where is he then? Do enlighten me. "

Snivellus ignored him. "What's under the tree? A secret room?"

It felt like all words had left him. Sirius stared at Snivellus, trying to make sense of the thoughts racing through his head.

It was over. It was all over.

Snivellus took a few steps forward. He was now so close Sirius could make out his features. He had one hand down his robes, undoubtedly grabbing at his wand. The lips on his ugly face curled into a victorious smile. His eyes, glittering with excitement, seemed to lack any white. They gaped like black bottomless holes.

Sirius felt sick.

Snivellus was not going to let this slide. He would make sure everyone knew there was a werewolf at Hogwarts.

Remus' life would be ruined.

"Is it where they take Lupin?" Snivellus pressed on. "So he can turn?"

Sirius bit down hard, staring Snivellus down with sharp eyes.

"I can't believe I'm even surprised at this," Snivellus sneered. "I guess I thought even you couldn't sink this low."

Sirius swallowed the response he wanted to throw back in Snivellus' face.

He couldn't focus. Scattered thought ran through his head. There was only one thing he was certain of: He couldn't let Snivellus walk away from this.

How the hell would he be able to stop him? A memory charm ought to do it, but it was tricky to begin with. Sirius would need to do something more advanced than to erase Snivellus' memory of the last hours. He would need to take away the lesson with Professor Prequan, that moment a couple of months back when Snivellus caught Remus bleeding. Actually he'd need to erase every single time Snivellus had noted Remus' absence during their six years at Hogwarts. Suspicion had led Snivellus here, and if Sirius didn't take it away Snivellus would inevitably reach the same conclusion all over again and they would end up back at this exact moment.

He needed to look for a more permanent solution…

Sirius glanced at the Whomping Willow.

If he got rid of Snivellus…

The thought scared him. But… Snivellus was an awful person. His twisted interest for the dark arts should speak for itself. On top of that he wanted to be a Death Eater - to help ruin people's lives. The world would be better off without him.

He would really be doing everyone a favour.

"A tunnel," Sirius answered clearly, his voice breaking the tense silence. "There is a tunnel under the tree."

Snivellus' thick eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"To the Shrieking Shack," Sirius continued a little breathlessly. "There's nothing there. Remus isn't there, believe me."

Sirius heart was beating like crazy.

Snivellus stared at him with narrowed eyes. He obviously didn't believe him when he said it was empty.

"There's no way to get past the tree," he said eventually.

"There's a knot on the trunk," said Sirius. It shocked him he could sound so calm with the storm racing inside. "If you press it the tree will freeze."

Snivellus didn't move.

"Fine," Sirius sighed with faked casualty. "I'll show you."

Hurriedly Sirius enchanted a twig to levitate and press the button at the trunk of the tree.

Snivellus glanced at him suspiciously. He took a few careful steps towards the Whomping Willow. Then a couple more. He began inching closer to the tree, keeping a wary eye on all its branches.

Sirius watched him go. A cold wind from the lake swept by. It took a hold of Sirius' clothes and hair, searching its way onto his naked skin. Snivellus was already far across the meadow, closing in on the Whomping Willow. His robes flapped around him, making it look like the wind might take him with it. The tall grass ruffled violently and a muffled sound of distant branches smacking against each other filled the silence of the night.

Sirius took a big gulp of the chilly air, trying to calm himself down. His whole body was vibrating.

It was not pretty, what he had done, but there had been no other way out. Now Snivellus would never bother anyone ever again.

Remus was safe.

It was not like Snivellus didn't deserve it. He had gone out of his was trying to ruin Remus' life. If Sirius hadn't stopped him he would have. Werewolves were dangerous things, but he had been _so_ _keen_ to go looking for one. Leaving him to his fate was poetic in a way.

Sirius watched as the last of Snivellus' black robes disappear beneath the tree.

If you play with fire, you get burned.

Isn't that how the saying goes?


	14. Into the Shack (James)

**14\. Into the Shack (James)**

James rushed as fast as he could through the damp grass, the invisibility cloak beating around his ankles. He could barely see where he put his feet but couldn't afford to slow down. Grey clouds filled the sky, shielding most of the full moon from view. The Hogwarts grounds seemed to bathe in darkness. The small cirkel of light his lumos spell casted on the ground wobbled around viciously, not offering much help.

When he reached a hill offering a clear view out over the Whomping Willow James stopped, trying to collect his thoughts. His breathing, quick and shallow, matched the rapid rhythm of his heart. He gulped down some cool air. The tree was standing tall on the meadow far below, its disturbingly long, thin branches swaying slightly in the wind. There was no sign of either Sirius or Snape. With stiff fingers James digged out the Marauder's Map inside of his robes and unfolded it. In the bright light of his wand he could easily spot the black dot labeled _Sirius Black_ , still standing by the Whomping Willow.

Snape's dot wasn't there anymore.

James had checked the map just as he and Peter was about to leave the Gryffindor Tower. Discovering Sirius and Snape together by the Whomping Willow he had told Peter to stay behind, setting off on his own to see what was going on.

James changed position, frantically searching the area on the map close by the meadow. Snape hadn't left, he was sure of it. There had not been a coincidence he'd been at the Whomping Willow tonight, and he wouldn't pass on an opportunity like this. James tried calming down. There was no real danger as long as Snape didn't figure out how to get past the tree. Without that he had no proof, and Remus was out of harm's way. James' gaze drifted over the map, mindlessly following the dotted line marking the secret passageway to the Shrieking Shack. He stopped abruptly when he layed eyes on Snape's name at the beginning of the tunnel. James lowered the map, casting another look out over the meadow below.

"Sirius!" he screamed desperately.

How could Snape possible be in the tunnel? Why was Sirius still just standing there? Maybe Snape had attacked him and left him unconscious? They had to go after Snape, stop him before he reached Remus.

A fait cry sounding something like his name soared up from the meadow. James fumbled with the map as he hurriedly tried to squeeze it back inside his pocket. He continued his race down the mountains, jumping down the last feet of the precipice facing the meadow. The high grass gave way under his weight. There was a dark figure standing further away. It made a sudden turn at the sound of James' fall.

"Sirius?" James asked hesitantly.

"James?" Sirius head turned from side to side. "Where are you?"

James lowered his hood, making his head visible, as he stepped closer. "Snape," he said hurriedly. "He's in the tunnel!"

"I know," Sirius voice sounded faint. "James, just let him…"

"He's gonna die!"

James began moving towards the Whomping Willow with rushed steppes. He could hear Sirius follow him. He speeded up. They had no time to lose. He was just about to ask Sirius what had happened when Sirus shot out a hand, grabbing James firmly by the arm. He swung him around so they faced each other. James could barely distinguish Sirius' face in the dark.

"No, James. Don't."

James stared at him in disbelief. "What are you talking about?" He tugged at his arm to get free.

Sirius tightened his grip. "Let him go."

There was a moment of silence. James' heartbeat had picked up. "What did you do?"

Sirius didn't answer.

"Did you send him down there?"

Sirius harrowed face was as good as a confession. Then his gaze seemed to harden. "I had to," he said firmly. "He had figured it out… He was going to tell on Remus."

It took a moment before James managed to process what Sirius was telling him. Snape disgusted James too, sure, but he had never considered to _murder_ him. This was taking it too far.

"So you decided to murder him?!" James exclaimed.

Remus sprung to James' mind. Remus, terrified of hurting someone. Terrified of becoming the killer everyone accused werewolves to be.

Sirius was not going to kill Snape. Remus was.

"No, I take that back," James snarled. "You decided to let Remus murder him for you?"

Sirius looked like James had hit him. Like he hadn't even considered that.

"Didn't have the guts to do it yourself?"

"I didn't-"

"You didn't what?" James snapped fiercely.

Something like tears glimmer in Sirius' eyes. "I'm doing this _for_ Remus."

James gave him a cold look. "I need to go."

With a sharp jerk he loosened himself from Sirius, the force making James reel a few steps backwards. He spun around and began running over the meadow. The high grass rustled as he rushed by, slapping at his legs.

Out of nowhere a sharp blow hit James in the side of the head, making his glasses fall of. Crying out in pain he staggered to the side, one hand instinctively covering his temple. Something warm and thick slipped through his fingers and began trickling down his face. A second blow came from the left, knocking him to the ground. With aching ribs James stared up through the high grass, getting a blurry view of the enormous trunk towering over him. Like a wild animal in agony, aimlessly attacking its surroundings, James half expected it to cry out in rage. It felt almost surreal everything was still quiet.

The Whomping Willow had come to life.

"James!" Sirius voice called out from far away.

A branch right above James rushed towards the ground. He kicked back into motion, rolling to the side. With a loud crack the branch hit the ground just where he'd been moments earlier, squishing the grass flat. The sharp claw digged into the soil like a knife through butter. Gasping for breath, James scrambled to his feet. He tried untangling his wand from inside his robes, instinctively stumbling backwards.

Behind James, Sirius rushed steps came closer. Something small shot by James, crashing against the Whomping Willow. The tree froze. Breathing heavily, James stared blankly at the still silhouette, his heart hammering in his chest.

"Thanks," James breathed out.

"Are you okay?"

James nodded, even though it wasn't the truth. He quickly summoned his glasses, mended them, and let the invisibility cloak slip to the ground. He didn't want Snape to find out he had one, and it would be no use against Remus anyway. He would be able to smell him.

"It's too late, James."

James let out another shaky breath, his eyes still glued to the Whomping Willow. "Take the cloak," he instructed Sirius.

Without wasting another second he bolted towards the tree. Sirius call out his name in protest as he slipped down the hole between the roots.

The tunnel James landed in was narrow, forcing him into a hunched, almost crawling position. He began stumbling his way forward. His feet didn't get a good grip in the porous earth. The passageway stretched on for what felt like hours. James heavy breathing eventually turned weak and shallow as he felt all energy draining. His ribs and head still hurt. The coagulated blood had formed stickly lumps in his hair.

A faint howling eventually searched its way into the tunnel. When the ground began to rise in a soft slope James regained some strength. The tunnel was higher here, allowing him to stand up straight. He hurried his steps. The tunnel twisted sharply to the left. James followed. The tunnel ended there, with an opening in the wall leading straight into one of the rooms of the Shrieking Shack. James froze when he layed eyes on the dark figure standing in the way. The releaf to find Snape unharmed deluged James. Thankfully he hadn't stepped into the Shack. The damp dirt in the tunnel offered a good cover. The scent was hopefully strong enough to hide theirs.

"Snape!" James whispered.

The figure spun around on the spot.

"Potter!" Snape's hushed voice was filled with shock.

James inched closer. "We need to go."

Snape didn't listen. "You're hiding a _werewolf_ at the school?"

Even though James knew the extreme hatred wizards held for werewolves the utter disgust took him aback. Spending so much time with Sirius, Remus, Peter and had made him accustomed to acceptance, playing down the shock werewolves gave anyone else.

"We can talk later," said James impatiently. "Right now we need to _go_."

Snape huffed arrogantly. "I don't wanna talk to you."

"Fine, then don't! Just come with me."

"Admit it," Snape pressed on. "Lupin is a werewolf."

James didn't answer. He knew it was no point denying it. Snape had already heard enough.

"You knew," said Snape harshly. He sounded upset, almost betrayed. "And you did nothing."

"Let's _go_!"

"No," said Snape simply. "I want proof."

Without hesitating Snape stepped through the opening and into the Shrieking Shack.

"No!" James called out, rushing after him.

Snape had stopped a couple of feet into the grey room. It was a living room, armchairs, sofa table and cabinets all covered in a thick layer of dust. Almost all the stuffing from the armchairs where torn up, the wooden furniture covered in claw marks. A sharp howling filled the air. The ceiling above them creaked loudly, as if something heavy was moving upstairs.

James grabbed at Snape's arm, moving towards the tunnel. "We need to go!"

Snape tore away. "Don't touch me!"

"I don't think you understand." said James angrily. "He's gonna kill us!"

"Some friend you got."

A loud growl interrupted them. James' head to shot up, laying eyes on the enormous wolf standing in the door opening to the next room. It didn't charge immediately; its big eyes studied them carefully, the open mouth showing off sharp teeth. James gulped down som air, his heart pumping furiously. He was so exposed. Remus could tear him to pieces within seconds. In front of him, Snape gasped.

"Alarte reciproco!" James shouted, sending the charm right at Remus' chest. The wolf lurched backwards, colliding with the wall of the hallway. In a roar of anger, he got back on his paws and leaped forward. A second beam of light shot out from Snape's wand, creating deep cuts in Remus' flank. Thick blood emerged from the wounds, colouring his fur red as in dripped down onto the floorboards. The wolf halted, crying out in pain.

"Don't!" James hissed. He raised his wand, sending Remus flying backwards again. He grabbed Snape by the arm, forcefully dragging him backwards. " _Let's go_."

Snape didn't seem as eager to object this time. After a few hesitating steps backwards he spun around and began running side by side with James. The floorboards behind them creaked as Remus rushed towards them. They were at the opening to the tunnel when something heavy landed on James' leg. Sharp pain pierced through him as claws digged into his flesh. He was jerked down to the ground, dragged backwards on the dusty floor. Falling out of his hand, his wand skittered across the room. Crying out in fear, James' nails scratched at the floor as he helplessly tried to get a grip. He turned his gaze towards the tunnel, hoping to see a spell flying the wolf's way. Snape was standing inside the tunnel, his wide black eyes meeting James'. James opened his mouth, forming the word help, as Snape's face suddenly hardened. He spun around on the spot, the black robes swaying, as he disappeared into the darkness.

The wolf's claws digged into James' back, dragging him further into the Shack. James twisted in its grip, his legs kicking desperately as he tried free himself. It was no use. The wolf was so strong. A deep growl escaped it as it tore at James, leaving deep cuts all over his body. Tears formed in his eyes. The image of his ragged corpse on the floor flashed through his head.

Or if he got bitten...

 _Please no._

"Stupefy!"

James stopped struggling when he heard the cry from inside the tunnel. He gazed upwards, trying to spot something inside the darkness. A black, hugh figure bolted out of it, landing on top of the wolf. The wolf growled, letting go of James as it turned to face its attacker. James dragged himself over the floor. Behind him teeth clattered against teeth, and awful ripping sounds were followed by cries of pain. James rolled around and steadied himself to a sitting position, eying the two enormous creatures on their hind legs, tearing at each other with jaws and claws.

James placed a hand on the cool floor, steading himself as he stood up. His leg shaked in protest. Desperately he turned his head from side to side, searching for his lost wand. Sirius wouldn't be able to hold off the wolf forever. The wolf growled loudly. Automatically James snapped his head. The wolf and the dog, locked together, reeled to the side and collided against a cabinet. It shook violently, its glass doors opening, chinaware raining down upon them and smashing into a million pieces. James spun back around, frantically searching for his wand. He found the it in a dark corner of the room. Snatching it up, he weighed it in his hand for a moment. He didn't want to hurt Remus, but he had no choice.

"Sirius!" James shouted. "Get away from him now!"

With a sharp tug the black dog loosen himself from the wolf, rolling down onto the floor. Jumping up, the wolf growled, leaping after Sirius. Sirius rushed away into the hallway on the other side of the room.

James pointed his wand at the ceiling above the wolf. "Bombarda Maxima!"

With a deafening sound, most of the ceiling exploded, thick chunks of wood collapsing to the floor everywhere in front of James, burying the wolf under it. James instinctively stepped backwards, bumping against the wall. His legs gave way under him and James sank down on the floor. His ears ringed. A huge pile of debris was covering most of the floor in the room. Through the hole in the ceiling James could see the room upstairs. The wolf had gone completely silent.

Sirius emerged from the hallway, now in human form. Numbly James watched as he remove the debris with his wand, uncovering the wolf's lifeless body.

"Is he breathing?" James voice was hoarse.

"Yes."

James breathed out.

Sirius made his way over the pile of rubble, a few smaller pieces rolling down onto the floor. He sunk down on his knees in front of James. A deep cut ran along Sirius' chest, dripping blood onto the floor. He seemed on the verge of tears as he eyed James' ragged body up and down.

"Did he bite you?" His tone was gentle.

James swallowed. "No."

"Are you sure-"

"I'm sure."

"You're bleeding..." Sirius reached out a hand, as if he wanted to touch James.

"We'll go to Madam Pomfrey. We'll tell Dumbledore what happened."

Sirius made a slight movement.

"Almost what happened," said James, his eyes locked with Sirius'. "Snape found his way here alone."

Sirius lowered his gaze, biting his lip.

James let his head fall back against the wall, his eyelids closing on their own. The last energy left him as the pain came creeping; the deep cuts on his legs, arms, and torso throbbing and burning. Images of the night flashed before his eyes. Remus who Sirius almost made a murderer… Snape leaving James to die… Scars on his body that would never disappear… Remus buried under the fallen-in ceiling… Snape who would tear up heaven and earth to end Remus...

"Sirius," James breathed out weakly. He opened his eyes to meet Sirius' gaze, seeing his own fear reflected there. "What did you do?"


	15. The Monster at Hogwarts (Remus)

**15\. The Monster at Hogwarts (Remus)**

Remus spent 6 days in the Hospital Wing. He was only aware of 5 of them though, since he stayed unconscious for the first 24 hours. The falling ceiling had hurt him severely. His whole body ached, and his head was torturing him with an intense throbbing. The white linen sheets in the steril hospital bed were ruff against his bruised limbs, making him hiss in pain when the skin rubbed against them. But Madam Pomfrey had assured Remus he would heal completely. Werewolves were strong. If he'd been human he probably wouldn't have survived. What she was more worried about was the hugh deep cuts running along Remus' torso. The wounds kept reopening, bleeding through bangade after bangade. It was Snape's curse. Remus didn't know what spell it had been, but Madam Pomfrey had declared it the work of Dark Magic. Dark Magic was difficult to heal, when done right. _Snape must be talented_ , Remus had thought sardonically.

The afternoon Remus woke up Professor McGonagall came by. Just as Madam Pomfrey had, she told him not to blame himself. Remus had persistently kept his gaze downwards, as he twisted the linen sheet between his fingers. She explained Snape had figured out the truth and followed Remus into the Shrieking Shack. If it hadn't been for James and Sirius, Remus would have killed him. Now he had almost killed James instead. He'd almost killed them all.

Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let Remus see James, and she had put up a privacy screen around James' bed. It felt like a ball out of barbwire had settled itself in Remus' chest. He could all too easily imagine how James looked. His memories of the full moon was crystal clear. He remembered how he had tored at James. How he had tored and tored and tored… Every time he closed his eyes he could see James' mangled body before him. It was a miracle James was even alive.

James, Sirius and Peter never held Remus responsible when he tried to attack them. But this was different. It had never been even close to as bad as this before. Even though Remus hadn't done it by choice, he was terrified they all might be furious with him. He himself couldn't help to feel guilty. Even if it hadn't been _him_ , it had still been him.

It was first after a few days Madam Pomfrey told Remus he could see James. When he snuck past the privacy screen he found James lying on his back in a bed identical to Remus', only his head visible above the covers. The barbed wire made a sudden movement, tearing at Remus' insides, when James' brown eyes found Remus.

"Hi," Remus mumbled.

James smiled weakly. "Hi."

Remus took a few hesitant steps towards the bed. He swallowed.

"Should you really be up?" James asked. "You're bleeding."

Automatically, Remus looked down to find fresh streaks of blood already colouring the newly put on bandage wrapped around his torso.

"Are you okay?"

Remus didn't answer.

"I did send a ceiling on you." James managed a faint smile.

"I'll be fine." Remus sat down on the chair by the bed. "James," he began, addressing his knees. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Everyone keeps telling me that," Remus mumbled. He looked up. "If I'd bitten you, would you have been able to forgive me?"

"Yes," James answered, a second too late.

Remus lowered his gaze again, twisting his hands. They both knew that wasn't true. James wasn't mad at Remus now because the damage was minor enough. But there was only so much the human mind could cope with before needing someone to blame. With something as horrible as becoming a werewolf, logical reasoning would have gone out the window.

"It wasn't your fault, Remus."

"Then who's was it?"

"Sirius."

Remus stared at James in surprise. It had been a rhetorical question. "Sirius saved your life."

James looked bothered. "Yes."

"But?"

James shifted his eyes. "But he's also the reason I went down there in human form. How much do you remember from the full moon?"

"Snape was there," was Remus immediate answer. It had been the first thing on his mind when he'd regained consciousness. _Snape had seen him. Snape had been in the Shrieking Shack and now he knew the truth._

James hummed.

"McGonagall said he found the tunnel and you and Sirius went down there to save him." Remus eyed James. "But that's not true?"

"Snape didn't find the tunnel on his own. Sirius told him."

"What?"

"Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. He wanted Snape to find you."

"No," Remus protested. Sirius would never do something like that. He would never sell him out to Snape, not to anyone.

"Yes," James insisted. "But he didn't do it to hurt you. At least he didn't mean to hurt you. He was afraid Snape would tell everyone you were a werewolf, so he sent him to the Shack hoping you would kill him."

Remus stared at James, trying to take in what he was saying. Maybe he had been naive, but he had never imagined Sirius would actually hurt Snape. He hated him and bullied him, which was bad enough, but he didn't think he hated him _that_ much. And Sirius knew Remus didn't want to hurt anyone; it was what Remus feared most of all. More than the pain and the hate. More than the constant looming threat of being found out. Sirius knew that.

"That's fucked up."

James laughed softly. "Yeah, you could say that."

"He wanted _me_ to kill him?"

Anger flashed in James' eyes. "Yes."

"How could he do that?" Remus voice broke. Awkwardly, he looked away and cleared his throat.

"He thought he was helping you." James sounded tired, like he'd already gone over it a thousand times.

"How would that even have helped? We would have ended up with a dead body. I can't think of anything worse than that."

"I don't think he really thought it through."

"He was going to make me a murderer. That's not a decision you get to make for someone else!"

"I know," said James. "That's why I ran after Snape."

The barbed wire twisted, and Remus averted his gaze. James had put his life on the line to protect Remus' innocence.

"Thank you," Remus breathed out.

They both became quiet. Remus stared into the faded yellow fabric of the privacy screen without really seeing it.

"He left me to die." James strained voice broke the silence. "Snape, I mean. He could have helped me when you attacked, but he just left. He looked me in the eyes and left. I guess I should have expected that. Sirius had just sent him to his own death after all. But I didn't think he would just-" He made a pause, his eyes staring blankly ahead.

 _Wow, another one._ Why did everyone suddenly want to kill each other?

"I'm sorry," Remus mumbled. " I'm sorry you had to get hurt because of what Sirius and Snape did."

"As far as I know Sirius and Snape has to apologize. Not you."

Remus smiled sadly. "At least Sirius came after you," he said after a while.

"Yes. He stupefied Snape too. Thank God. Otherwise he might have run off to tell all of Slytherin right away."

Remus hummed unenthusiastically. McGonagall had told him Dumbledore had made Snape swear not to tell a living soul what he knew. To Remus, that seemed like a weak protection. Snape's promis wasn't worth much.

That night Remus had much difficulty falling asleep, and it wasn't because of the pain, which had started to fade. His head was buzzing. It wasn't a clear train of thought, though. Half asleep, it resembled a fever dream more than anything else. His mind seemed to have been put on a loop; going over the same things over and over again without ever reaching a conclusion. Sirius had tried to kill Snape. Snape had tried to kill James. Sirius had almost made Remus a murderer. And now Snape knew his most precious secret... The image of James, bloody and scared, begging for help as Remus dragged him across the floor, carried Remus into his nightmares.

Remus was discharged from the Hospital Wing two days later. Back in school, he kept his mouth shut and his head down. Even though he knew it wasn't true, it felt like all his classmates knew what had happened and judged him for it. But people were indeed looking their way. By now everyone was used to Remus whacky presence in class, but it was unusual for James to disappear like that. It was especially noticeable since the first Quidditch match of the season set off that weekend. Madam Pomfrey forbid James from playing, which resulted in a heavy stream of protests, and, when he was sure she was out of earshot, some mild cursing. Remus went up to the Hospital Wing on Saturday, and James and he spent the afternoon playing Wizard's Chess. Afterwards Remus heard Gryffindor had suffered a bitter defeat, which wasn't surprising with them being one chaser short. But everyone took it especially hard since they had been playing against Slytherin.

Remus felt incredibly lonely without James in class. Sirius had tried to speak with Remus when he came back, but when Remus dismissed him he got irritated and snapped that Remus didn't even try to understand, and had from thereon ignored him as well. Instead Sirius indulged in light hearted conversations with Peter. Remus awkwardly followed the two of them around like a shadow, listening as they talked about everything from Quidditch to the pros and cons of having a niffler for a pet. Remus whished Peter would talk to him too, which he didn't. Remus could hardly blame him though, since he couldn't come up with a single thing to say himself.

Sirius had managed to catch one of the rare moments when Peter was in a more talkative mood. Usually Peter never really talked much in public, and didn't always speak that much when the four of them were alone either. He was very shy and it usually took an hour or two of their company to coax him out of his shell. Late nights when the four of them lay awake talking until three in the mourning Peter's boundaries disappeared, and he dived into the conversation as enthusiastically as the others. Sometimes the more that Peter lasted for longer period of times, but other times you were back to square one the next morning. It made Remus sad to think about.

When James came back to school he looked a little pale, but seemed to be fine otherwise. Sirius conversations with Peter came to an abrupt end when Sirius suddenly became very quiet. Neither James or Sirius seemed to make any attempt to speak with each other, but one evening Remus heard the two of them fighting, and the next day Sirius wasn't sitting with them in class.

Remus took two subjects - Potions and Herbology - that Gryffindor and Slytherin students attended together. Snape happened to take both of them as well, and during every lesson they had together Snape kept staring at Remus. It was nothing like how he'd looked at him before. Before, Snape had, with a smug smile luring on his lips, observed Remus as if he was trying to solve a puzzle. Now he was furious. Except putting Remus into a spin of anxiety, he didn't know what to make of it. Snape must be upset that Sirius had tried to have him killed, and perhaps he blamed Remus just as much, since he would have been the one to carry out the sentence. Or did it mean Snape had given up? Was he angry because Professor Dumbledore had silenced him? Otherwise he should have been over the moon, finally sitting with definite proof of Remus' wrongdoing. James and Sirius had lied about what really happened the night of the full moon. As far as Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore knew, James and Sirius had been nothing but heroes. That was, if Snape hadn't told them a different story. But his story would have involved the attempted murder on himself, while James and Sirius had claimed Snape had left James to die. Both parties pushed blame on the other, leaving Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore nonplussed.

There was a flicker of some other emotion in Snape's gaze Remus couldn't interpret. But it scared him. It actually scared him. Not in a way that he was afraid Snape would mock or bully him. It was a look which made Remus fear he might actually be in danger. James had told Remus about the utter tone of disgust in Snape's voice when he'd found out what Remus was. It wasn't hate. Hate was for equals. He was _disgusted_. Remus had come to the conclusion that Snape did not see him as human anymore. He was a bug to be squished under a boot. Maybe Remus was being paranoid, but there was something almost bestial about Snape; like he had to actively contain himself to not jump on Remus, scratch him bloody and gouge his eyes out with his nails. It was ironic, because that was probably exactly what Snape was thinking about Remus. But Snape never did anything but look, and Remus had a feeling he was biding his time.

Remus and James begun to talk to each other at night, when it turned out neither of them were able to get much sleep.

"I get them too," James had whispered one night. His pupils was hugh, trying to snap up the small amount of light there was in the dark room. "Do you usually get nightmares?"

"No." Remus paused. "Sometimes. But it's worse now."

James made a humming sound. "Do you…" he began, before thinking better of it. "No, nevermind."

"Do I what?" Remus pressed on softly.

"Do you dream about Greyback?"

"Yes." Remus felt himself blushing slightly. "But not just about the attack. He keeps reappearing doing whatever. Attacking me, hunting me... Or sometimes he's just there. He's still out there, James. "

"I know." James tone was sympathetic. "At least I had the luck of being attacked by the nicest werewolf."

Remus grimaced. "You're welcome. I'm still giving you nightmares though."

"I'll get over it."

Remus looked at him sadly "I'm not sure you will."

The two of them stayed quiet for a while. The bed creaked when James turned around to lay on his back. Remus' eyelids began to flutter.

"I don't really know what we're gonna do about Christmas now" said James thoughtfully, eventually breaking the silence.

Remus snorted into the pillow. James parents had invited Remus and Peter and their respective families for Christmas. Sirius hadn't needed an invite since he always spent Christmas with the Potters anyway. But with the current situation that would make for a very awkward evening.

"It's not funny," James insisted, even though there was a hint of a laughter in his voice.

"I don't know. Why don't you keep him in the attic?" Remus suggested.

"I think he would refuse."

"Mmm."

"I can't exactly tell my parents we are fighting either," James sighed.

James parents had no idea Remus was a werewolf.

"You could always make up what you were fighting about. If Sirius doesn't blow your cover."

"You know he wouldn't do that."

"There's a lot of things I thought Sirius wouldn't do."

"I know you're mad at him-"

"I am." Remus turned to look at James.

"So am I," said James. "But I honestly believe he wasn't trying to hurt you. And I don't think you think that either."

The two of them had had that conversation before. Remus understood James standpoint, and for a moment he saw the situation from Sirius perspective. Sirius was lojal, and just like James said, deep down Remus knew Sirius had only been looking out for him. In a way it was admirable that Sirius had been prepared to kill for Remus. But then Remus remembered that was not was Sirius had done, and he got mad all over again. When it came down to it, Remus realised he wasn't mad at Sirius because he believed Sirius had had malicious intent. He was mad at Sirius for the immense damage his good intentions almost cost them. There were a limit to how badly you could fuck up, and somehow, Sirius had exceed it. It was like if someone speeded with their car and accidentally hit a child. Even though they hadn't meant to hurt anyone, they had been irresponsible enough to be to blame.

"No," Remus admitted eventually. "What exactly did you say to him? I heard you two fighting."

"I just told him what I thought."

"And?"

"He thinks we're being unfair."

Remus huffed. "He could at least acknowledge he did something wrong."

"I think he is sorry. But he thinks we could be more understanding."

"Did he _say_ he was sorry?"

"Not really," James confessed. "I think he has trouble admitting it."

"What a gentleman," Remus muttered sarcastically.

A sudden creeking on the other side of the curtains made Remus tense up. Light footsteps disappeared across the room before the door opened and closed. Both James and he stayed quiet, even though it wasn't necessary. The silencing charm James had put around the bed was flawless. Remus lay down again. Someone was probably just going to the bathroom. It felt a little weird that it might have been Sirius. Even though they weren't talking they still shared a room.

"Are we awful people for being more upset about _how_ Sirius was planning to commit murder than the fact that he was trying to commit murder?" said Remus after a moment.

James let out a soft laugh. "Maybe. But I care about you a lot more than Snape. I care about Sirius a lot more than Snape."

"Well thank you." Remus yawned. He sat up. "I should probably go to bed."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

When the footsteps had reappeared and its owner climbed back into bed, Remus carefully snuck back to his own. As he laid in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, the usual memories came creeping, and it didn't take long before he realized he wasn't sleepy at all.

Except at night, Remus and James didn't talk about what had happened on the full moon. Remus could blame it on the fear of being eavesdropped, but he realized the two of them were both a bit like Peter. Somehow it felt impossible to acknowledge he had caused all of James' injuries, or to talk about Greyback in daylight.

In daylight, James changed behind the closed curtains of his bed, and had picked up Remus' habit of pulling at the end of his sleeves to cover up the scars. Remus wasn't sure if James did it because he felt insecure himself or because we wanted to spear Remus. But every time was a painful reminder of what James' skin looked like beneath the fabric. Remus was also sure James was in more pain then he let on. One morning when they sat down for breakfast in the Great Hall he winced as the end of the table stroked against his waist. When Remus asked if he was okay he brushed it off and went into a enthusiastic discussion about Quidditch.

"If Slytherin loses to Ravenclaw, and we win against Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff… Then we easily got a chance," James was saying.

Remus hummed.

"And your next match is in Mars?" Peter wondered.

"Yeah. "Do you two wanna come to practice sometime?"

Remus smiled. "Sure."

The smattering of flapping wings announced the arriving of the school owls. Remus glanced up to watch birds in every colour sweep over the students. A majestic brown owl flew over their heads, dropping The Daily Prophet onto the middle of the table, missing the bowl of porridge by a hair's breadth. James picked it up and disappeared behind it. Remus took another bite out of his toast. A sudden snap made him turn his head. James cup had fallen to the side, spreading orange juice over the tablecloth. With wide eyes James stared at the yellow liquid soaking the white fabric like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"It's just orange juice," said Remus, picking up the empty cup.

James strange gaze moved to Remus.

Remus frowned. "What?" His gaze drifted to the newspaper. "What's wrong"

"Nothing," James mumbled and quickly returned to the paper.

Remus stared at James, an uneasy feeling twisting his stomach. James eyes were glued to the paper.

"What does it say?"

James shrugged as if it didn't matter.

Why wouldn't he tell him? If there was something about Voldemort he'd have no reason to hide it. There was only one thing…

Puzzled, Peter shot Remus a look. "Did something happen?"

"James," said Remus clearly. "What is it?"

Reluctantly, James met Remus' gaze. "Just…" His eyes flickered. "Remus, don't panic-"

"Give me that," Remus snapped. He leaned over the table and snatched the Daily Prophet out of James' hands. With a beating heart he began to read.

 _ **The Monster at Hogwarts  
**_ _by Rita Skeeter_

 _Those of younger age might not even have heard his name, but two decades ago, Lyall Lupin was a brilliant, well known young man. With a book already published, and his faithful work for the Ministry, Lupin was a trusted authority on the Dark Creatures of the world. The last thing anyone would expect was him hiding a monster in his own home._

 _Who didn't find it mysterious when Lupin, highly successful, and with a beautiful wife and baby, suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth? Seemingly out of nowhere he quit his job and sold his house. None of his friends or workmates had any idea where he'd gone, and several months later word was had moved into some muggle suburb. Neighbours rarely saw the family outside the house, and before long they had moved again._

 _Why were they hiding? Maybe Lupin had received threat upon threat, Death Eaters knocking on his door, and fled to save his family? It's widely known He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named used werewolves, dementors, giants and many other monsters in his pursuit of would he not be looking for the expert on Dark Creatures to help him tame them? But no, as it turns out, Lupin was not fighting the good fight. The son, Remus, was, believe it or not, the very reason his father had retracted himself from society. During the years, a couple of people caught sight of young Lupin. Furtive and harrowed, he gave his neighbors an uneasy feeling. If they only had known how the boy disappeared once every month they would have figured out what creature had snuck its way into their lives. Remus Lupin is a werewolf._

The article went on, but Remus couldn't continue. It felt like he was falling; like the moment before you hit the ground, the panic as you rushed through the air, knowing where you were headed and how powerless you were to stop it from happening.

"Remus?" James voice seemed to be far away.

Remus couldn't tear his eyes from the last sentence. _Remus Lupin is a werewolf. A werewolf._ The paper slipped out of his hand. Suddenly, he became aware of the whispers around him. All along the Gryffindor table people craned their necks to get a good look at him. With a racing heart, Remus dropped his gaze, his thoughts frantic. _Deny, deny, deny._ It was just a rumour. There was no proof. There was nothing-

"This is ridiculous." James clear voice made Remus jump. James had grabbed The Daily Prophet again, shaking it slightly. "How could she accuse you of something like that?"

Remus eyes shifted to left and right. Now everyone around them were staring. Suddenly all fight went out of him. There was no point. It was too late. Rumours rooted like seeds in people's minds. He shot up from his seat, the force in his movement almost making him lose his footing.

"I need to go," he mumbled.

Remus hurried out of the Great Hall and up the marble staircase. There he stopped, unsure of what to do next. The Hall was deserted. Happy voices drifted from the gigantic doors to the Great Hall. His heart was hammering in his chest.

 _No, no, no. Please, no_. Snape had talked. Of course Dumbledore's threat of expulsion hadn't been enough. And now Remus was done for.

"Remus!"

Remus spun around. James, with Peter right behind, was jogging up the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

Remus sucked in his breath, tears forming in his eyes. "I don't know."

"You can't run; you'll look guilty-"

"I am guilty!" Remus hissed."It's over."

"It's not."

"It is. There's no point in lying to ourselves. Snape talked."

"You just need to act like nothing's wrong."

"If I _wasn't_ a werewolf, don't you think I'd be a little upset?"

"Act as it was a false rumour," James corrected himself.

"I don't think I can-"

"You have to. You're freedom depend on it."

Remus heart made a sudden jolt. It was true, but James sounded so harsh.

"You need to go to Transfiguration. Get it over with," said James, his voice more gentle, as if he'd thought of the same thing.

"Okay. I just- I just need a minute," Remus mumbled.

"Of course."

Remus turned slightly to the side and wiped away his tears the best he could. "Everyone is going to stare at me," he mumbled. "Or confront me about it. I don't know what I should say..."

"Don't say much. Just pretend you're really offend anyone would even consider it to be true."

The three of them went to the Transfiguration classroom in silence. Breakfast wasn't over yet, so there was no one else in the corridor outside the classroom doors. Remus sank down against the wall and James and Peter sat down next to him. Remus eyes caught the rolled up Daily Prophet clutched in James' hand.

"You brought the paper?"

"I didn't finish reading. It could be handy to know what it says, you know."

"I never finished either," Remus murmured. "Could I-" He cleared his throat. "Could I have the paper?"

"Yeah, of course." James handed it to him.

With a beating heart Remus unfolded it and began reading the article all over again. It was even harder to get through the second time. When he reached the part he hadn't read yet he had to stop for a second before he dared to go on.

 _The accusation might sound ridiculous to some. But there are tons of evidence to convince even the most sceptical. Classmates to Remus Lupin at Hogwarts report on his monthly disappearances. 'He has scars all over his face,' a student, who prefers to be left anonymous, explained to me. 'I'm scared he might hurt us.' Another student revealed how Lupin recently attacked both him and another boy, almost killing them both._

 _All of you must be wondering how Remus Lupin came to be a werewolf. Surely his dad had more sense than to let a four year old near one? Of course he did. The fact is that the attack on young Lupin wasn't an accident, but a deliberate thought out revenge planned by none other than the infamous werewolf Fenrir Greyback._

 _Greyback is known for infecting and kidnapping young children. His goal is to create his own army of werewolves, all programmed to hate wizards and witches. Remus Lupin wasn't one of his normal victims though. At the time Lyall Lupin worked at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Greyback was brought in for questioning about two dead Muggle children. Greyback managed to fool Lupin's colleagues he was nothing more than a Muggle himself, but Lupin recognised him for what he really was. When his colleagues refused to listen Lupin lost his temper, referring to werewolves as 'soulless' and 'evil', saying they 'deserved nothing but death'. Lupin's colleagues only laughed it off, and soon after, Greyback was released. Greyback did not forget what Lupin had said about him and his kind, and decided to to strike back hard. Young Remus Lupin had not yet turned five when Greyback, on a full moon, snuck into the boy's room and bit him._

 _It's a tragic story, the loss of an innocent child. But we have to remember Remus Lupin in no longer a child, but a full grown werewolf who have been breaking the law for years and years. He has put everyone's sons and daughters in danger, and has already hurt at least two students severely. All we can do is hope that they will recover, and bring Remus Lupin to justice._

"Remus?"

The voice was distant.

"Remus?"

Remus become aware of a blurry buzzing of people talking. He looked up. James was standing over him. Behind him their classmates were flooding into the open classroom doors.

James frowned "Are you coming?"

Clumsily, Remus managed to stand up.

"I-" he began. People were staring at him as the last of them made their way inside. Lily Evans was standing by the door. Remus heart jerked when he met her eyes. _She knows_. He could see it on her face. He had defended werewolves in front of her, and now she had read Rita Skeeter's article and put two and two together. She averted her gaze.

"I need to go." Without hesitation Remus pushed past James and hurried out of the corridor. He could hear James call after him.

He didn't know where he was going. As long as he just _got away_. Got away from James, got away from Peter, got away from his staring classmates . He gripped the newspaper harder as he turned yet another corner deeper into the castle.

Lyall had always told him that Greyback had bitten Remus and tried to kidnap him to make him one of his soldiers, just as he did with other children. But if Rita Skeeter was right... No, of course she wasn't. Why would he trust a journalist over his father? Rita Skeeter didn't hesitate to twist the truth to get a better story out of it. Her biography on the former Headmaster of Hogwarts Armando Dippet had been exaggerated to create drama. She was a liar.

 _But she was telling the truth about you._

Remus tried to push out the unwelcome thought. That was because she needed some truth to her stories. Otherwise everyone would brush them off as nonsense. Then she could spice them up with a bunch of twisted lies. That was what Dipper's biography had proven; lies based on a truth. How could she even have known what went on in that courtroom? How could anyone-

Remus made a sudden halt and spun around. He knew where he had to go. His steps quickened as he hurried back through the corridor.

* * *

Remus swept his finger along the line of thick binders, mumbling the dates under his breath. If the hearing, which might not even have existed, had taken place soon before his fifth birthday it must have been in January or February 1965, or perhaps in December the year before. Remus stopped with his finger placed at the bottom of a binder labeled _Dep. RCMC, hearings 1963 - 1966_. With shaky fingers he pulled it of its shelf and carried it with him to the table, where he'd already dumped a heap of other books.

The record part of the school library was filled with shelf after shelf with books and binders concerning laws, legal disputes, and any kind of record one could think of. Remus didn't think they all ought to fit, but somehow they did. He had found the laws drafted by The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and various records of cases and trials they had carried out, but it hadn't given him any insight. A huge black book lay on the table next to him. A deformed human, its spine twisted unnaturally, stared up from the cover with a wolfish face. _Fenrir Greyback - A Child's Nightmare_ it said with big cursive letters. Remus felt sick every time he looked at it and hadn't been able to bring himself to open it.

Remus knew he was being careless. Not less than two hours after Rita Skeeter published an article claiming he was a werewolf he was sitting in the library surrounded by books covering the subject. But he didn't care. He had not know.

 _Please tell me my father didn't do this._

Remus began to flip through the binder he'd brought to the table, starting with the hearings in December of 1964. When he didn't find anything like what Rita Skeeter had described he moved on to January of 1965. Remus didn't felt the slightest reasused that he hadn't found anything yet. The only thing to calm him would be a definite proof his father was innocent, which he wouldn't be able to find. There would either be proof of the opposite, or just nothing at all. There was nothing in January or February either. Remus paused. His birthday was the 10th of March, so it was possible the hearing had been earlier that month. Or perhaps Skeeter had got the date wrong and the documentation could be in any of the other binders. Remus made a sudden stop when he caught the word 'Greyback' on a page. His heart jolted and he backed up, reading from the beginning of the page. It was just as Skeeter had described it in her article; Greyback had pretended to be a muggle when he was brought in for questioning. But that was it. There was no mentioning of Lyall or any insults thrown Greybacks way. _Lies based on a truth_ , Remus thought, trying to reassure himself.

Then his heart stopped, as he laid eyes on the end of the page.

 _ **Minister Officials attendant:  
**_ _Ivory Silver  
_ _Megan Whistle  
_ _Ulla Smith  
_ _Lyall Lupin_

His father had been there.

* * *

Remus steps echoed in the empty corridor. It was pitch dark outside by now. The windows along the left wall didn't look like windows at all; there was no depths to the blackness on the other side. Remus couldn't spot the grounds or a single star in the sky. It gave the impression that someone had gone along the corridor before him, replacing the glass with black cardboard.

 _A perfect end to a perfect day._

After putting all the books back Remus had fled the library and headed outside. It had been freezing. He'd walked along the edge of the forest for hours. Sometime in the afternoon the first snowflakes of the year had begun to swirl down from the darkening sky. It had covered the ground with a thin layer of white. Remus hair was still damp, and ice crystals glittered on his coat when he moved. It was way after curfew. Hopefully James, Sirius and Peter would be asleep, but Remus doubted it. They had probably read the whole article themselves by now and wanted to comfort him. Remus squirmed at the thought. He didn't want to talk about it.

 _My father might hate me. My father might be the reason I'm a werewolf_ ; _the reason I've suffered all my life…_ The thought had haunted him the whole day. Like a broken record, he kept repeating it over and over. If Remus couldn't even get his own father to love him, what was the point?

He turned down another corridor.

But deep down Remus was terrified of what would happen next. What if he was expelled? He would never be allowed to use magic again. What if they put him in Azkaban? James had told him he needed to act natural to avoid suspicion. Instead he had run away and disappeared for the whole day. Nothing said 'guilty' like that.

All his life Remus had always been on his guard, never fully relaxed. He needed to pay attention to the cycle of the moon, and always make sure his scars were covered. Outside the small circle of people who knew the truth, he always had to think about what he was saying. Every word out of his mouth was thought through at least for a moment beforehand to make sure he didn't slip up. It wasn't a conscious choice, but he'd been acting like that for so long it felt like second nature to him. But all of that had been in vain, and he felt strangely empty.

When Remus reached the Gryffindor Tower it was dark and empty. In the fireplace an orange glow shone out between charred logs. Remus slowly made his way up the spiral staircase. When he open the door to the dormitory three pair of eyes immediately stared up at him. Remus felt himself blush. He had made quite a scene by storming off and disappearing for the whole day. Without uttering a word, Remus went over to his bed. He threw his school bag on top of his trunk before reaching under his pillow for his pyjamas.

"Remus?" Sirius voice was cautious.

Remus ignored him.

"Remus?"

Remus hesitated with his pyjamas in his hand, his back still turned. He didn't feel like changing and showing off his scars in front of his friends since the subject was more sensitive than ever.

 _Since James looks exactly like me._

"Remus?" Sirius repeated for a third time. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the newspaper."

"Are you?"

"Yes," said Sirius clearly. An irritated tone had snuck into his voice.

Remus turned around. "All of this is your fault."

"My fault?" Sirius snapped. "This is exactly what I tried to _stop_ from happening."

"Yeah, right. I forgot; By making me a murderer," said Remus cooly. "You knew I don't want to hurt anyone. But you went ahead and did it anyway. You used me."

"I didn't have a choice."

"Except _not_ to tell him how to get by the Whomping Willow!"

"I couldn't let him just walk away. He would have talked!"

"He had no proof!"

"So?" said Sirius. "He doesn't need any proof. Sure, _he_ knows for sure you are a werewolf, but no one else saw you, did they? Skeeter wrote that article in The Prophet without offering anyone the proof Snivellus got. She doesn't need to. Actual proof doesn't make a difference. Snivellus would have leaked the information even if he hadn't seen you."

"You don't know that," said Remus. "Okay, you're right that he doesn't need proof to spread a rumour, but _he_ probably wanted to be sure first. And you helped him with that."

"Why would he need to be sure? He hates us. He wouldn't care if you were smeared."

"He obviously cared since he went looking for proof."

"All I'm saying is that if he was dead you would be safe."

"Then you should have killed him yourself!" Remus was taken aback by his own scream. James, Sirius and Peter all stared at him in surprise. Remus looked away.

"You're right," said Sirius, breaking the silence. "I should have."

Sirius pale face was hard-set. A dark curl had fallen into his eyes, and he brushed it away with his hand. Remus stared at him. He had assumed Sirius decision to kill Snape had been in the heat of the moment, and that he would never have come to the same conclusion under any other circumstances. Was there still a chance Sirius was prepared to kill Snape?

"Look," Sirius continued. I didn't mean to make you do the dirt work for me. I was panicking. It was the only thing I could think of."

"James almost died because of you. I almost killed him. _I could have bitten him._ Do you understand that? He could be a werewolf right now. If you've paid any attention in the last five years you should know that fucks you up pretty good. And I would never have been able to forgive myself."

"I never meant to hurt either of you. If James hadn't gone down there-"

"But I did," James cut in calmly. "I had to. Because of you."

"I didn't want this to happen!"

"That's not good enough!" Remus exclaimed. "You've caused so much damage. My life is over, do you realise that? They're going to expel me. They're going to send me to Azkaban." Remus felt the panic come creeping.

"It's gonna be fine, Remus," James assured him.

Sirius didn't say anything.

"What exactly is going on with you, Sirius?" James asked. "Suddenly you're prepared to kill someone. Actually kill someone. You disappear for hours on end with Regulus…"

"What has that got to do with anything?" Sirius snapped.

"What do you two do together?" James pressed on "What happened on Halloween?"

"Why don't you mind your own business?"

"Why is it a secret?"

"It's not a secret. We just hang out."

"Until a couple of months back you hated him."

"I didn't hate him."

"You didn't like him. And now you like him so much you ditch us all the time. Why is that? Are you two planning to kill someone else? A muggle-born perhaps? Do you wanna make mommy and daddy proud?"

"You know what; fuck you, James."

Remus, James, Sirius and Peter were glued to their places, staring at each other. A compact silence spread out. It was so thick Remus felt like it would suffocate him. His world had begun to tumble down and smash into pieces on the floor. Everything was so wrong, and it felt like there was no coming back from it. Eventually James turned around and disappeared behind his red curtains, breaking the curse. Remus, Sirius, and Peter threw a last awkward look at each other before following James' lead.


	16. Christmas Eve (Sirius)

**16\. Christmas Eve (Sirius)**

"Can I help?"

Sirius leaned against the side of the doorway eying his mother in the dining room. She was in the middle of setting the table, laying out emerald green napkins by each person's seat. The white linen tablecloth she always brought down from the attic for special occasions was spread over the table. On top stood white chinaware, gleaming drinking glasses of various heights, and newly polished silverware and candelabras. Each person had received at least two sets of everything. A delicate ribbon of silver glitter was draped around the walls of the room. When Sirus spoke, his mother stopped and put down the pile of napkins on the table and turned to him.

Her eyes were glazed with the same, quite indifferent look she's had every time she'd looked at him since he came home. It made Sirius uneasy, because he thought he glimpsed something more intense underneath. Like she had pulled a film over her eyes to hide her true emotions. But he couldn't quite make out what it was, Anger? Suspicion? Triumph? Sirius hadn't been home for Christmas since his second year at Hogwarts. He was almost never home at all. She must be wondering what the fuck he was doing there.

"Well you could start by getting dressed" she said in a snotty tone, eyeing him up and down. "And you _will_ do something about that hair." She herself had already changed into her dress robes completed with big fancy earrings in matching colour.

Sirius pursed his lips. "I just thought I shouldn't get changed before we've finished the preparations." he said, keeping his voice restrained. "So my clothes don't get dirty."

His mother didn't look very impressed. "Get dressed," she repeated.

Sirius eyed her for a moment as she returned to her napkins. He let out an ironic "Right" before turning around. He managed to take exactly one step before his mother cut in.

"Sirius," she said firmly.

Sirius swung back around. "What?" he snapped, even though he knew he was only making it worse.

"I don't want you to talk to me that way," she said sharply and slowly.

Sirius looked at her in silence. _No, I know. You've told me before. A million times. Just like I've told you a million times that I'll be polite when you are._

"Is there a problem?" she pressed on.

"No."

"Good. Then get dressed."

Without another word, Sirius left the dining room a second time and made his way through the house up to his bedroom. Every room he passed was neatly decorated with glitter, floating candles and magic snow falling in heaps on the floor. Refreshments were crammed onto sofa tables.

At first sight, Sirius bedroom looked quite different from the rest of the Black residents. The house was grey, green and dark, filled to the brim with pompously luxurious and old furniture. Sirius' room was warm and red. His walls were covered in gryffindor banners, photos, and images ripped out of magazines - not expensive paintings. But if you looked more closely, you would find that it was only a poor facade. The silver grey wall paper still peaked out from under the posters, a huge chandelier hung from the ceiling, and his bed was just as ancient and swanky as the rest of the house's furniture. But it had been enough of a change for his parents. He had gotten such a beating for it.

Sirius threw himself onto his bed with a sigh.

The guests would arrive in half an hour. The Blacks didn't always have a party on Christmas Eve, but they had never had a quiet family dinner at home as long as Sirius could remember. There was always a Christmas party somewhere. This year it was the Black's turn. All through Sirius' childhood, every year his parents had either dragged Regulus and him to some distant relative's house, or to a party their friends were hosting. Not that there was much difference between the two. All pureblood families were basically related. Maybe that was the reason they were all so fucked up: generation upon generation of inbreeding.

And now Sirius was one of them.

Sirius had gone back and forth between thinking he was a monster and his friends were overreacting more times than he could count. But lately he had been leaning more and more towards monster. "I tried to kill someone," Sirius told the ceiling. _I actually tried to kill someone, and in the end, does it really matter it didn't happen? The only reason I didn't have someone killed is because James stopped it. I am just as bad either way. I am still a murderer. I still crossed that line, and I don't know if that means there is something seriously wrong with me._

But the fact Skeeter wrote that article still wasn't Sirius fault, even though Remus loved to blame him for it. _He_ hadn't told anyone Remus was a werewolf. Snivellus had. And yeah, if his plan had gone through Remus had been the one to do the dirty work, but the thing was Sirius hadn't really thought of it as Remus. Sure, Remus was technically the wolf, but they weren't the same person. Sirius hadn't really been aware he was letting Remus murder Snivellus. He had thought _hey, there's a bloodthirsty werewolf down there and if I send Snivellus there the wolf will kill him._ It had seemed so simple. It had felt like no one had to get their hands dirty.

But even though Sirius hadn't quite realised _how_ the murder was going to be carried out, the fact that there _was_ going to be a murder had been very intentional. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe James, Remus and Peter were afraid of him? But could they possibly think he would try to hurt them? Maybe not them, but they might think he was prepared to kill someone else. Sirius would like to think that he wasn't. At the end of the day, he didn't think he could ever bring himself to straight up murder Snivellus. The thought had never crossed his mind before that night by the Whomping Willow. Sending Snivellus to Remus hadn't really felt like murder. It still was, but that way he wasn't the direct reason Snivellus died... But... He had actually enjoyed it. A bit. He had liked the feeling of control as he watched Snivellus disappear down the tunnel...

Maybe he really was crazy.

With a deep breath Sirius sat up, trying to get the thoughts out of his head. His eyes fell onto the dress robes his mother had hung from the knob of his wooden wardrobe. She had bought him them just earlier this week. Unlike Regulus, Sirius hadn't had any former one that still fitted him. The last time he had spent Christmas at home he had been 12 years old. Not that Sirius had asked her to buy new ones. In this house everything had to be perfect. Even traitors got to play dress up. Sirius dragged himself from the bed and walked up to the wardrobe. A scent of freshly ironed clothes filled his nostrils. The robes were hanging from a coat hanger imprinted with a gilded Black family crest. With a grimace, Sirius slid the garment off of the hanger. The fabric was quite stiff, tattling it'd never been worn. Sirius threw his normal robes onto the bed and put on the dress robes.

He went over to Regulus' room.

"Hi," Sirius said, standing in the door opening.

Regulus, in the midst of searching after something in his trunk, looked up. "Well you look very handsome"

"Fuck off." Sirius walked into the room and sank down at the foot of Regulus' bed. "How do you do this every year?" he siged. "Don't you have something better you could be doing than hang out with old aunts and uncles?"

"It's not so bad really," said Regulus, his attention back at his trunk. " _Buuut_ , the whole family doesn't hate me…" He tilted his head to the side, giving Sirius an ironic smile.

Sirius hummed. "That does help" he admitted. "But wouldn't you rather hang out with friends?"

Regulus shrugged. "Christmas is a family holiday, don't you think?" It was a bit of a stupid question to ask Sirius. Regulus made a pause. "Is that why you're here?"

"What?"

"Because your friends…"

Sirius grimaced. They hadn't really talked about that, but of course Regulus had noticed he, James and Remus had fallen out. Neither of them had said a word to Sirius since their fight. Sirius didn't sit with them in class, he didn't sit with them at lunch, and he spent most of his free time in places he hoped he wouldn't bump into them. He had spent more time with Regulus than ever before.

"I don't know," Sirius mumbled. He had thought about staying with his family before the fight, to keep making nice with the Blacks.

Regulus had picked up a comb from his trunk. Sitting down next to Sirius he carefully began to brush his hair. "Can I ask what happened?"

Looking out over the room, Sirius shrugged, trying to make it look like it wasn't a big deal. "They're mad at me."

"Why?"

Sirius shrugged again. "I did something."

Regulus raised an eyebrow.

"I really can't tell you."

"Was it that bad?" Regulus laughed.

Sirius was about to shrug a third time and brush it off, but stopped with his eyes on his brother. "Maybe." He paused. "Look, what I did wasn't _the best_ ," he emphasized ironically. "But I still thought they'd understand, you know."

"You know, it's going to be difficult for me to give advice when I don't know anything."

"Well it's complicated."

"Did you sleep with someone's girl?"

"No," Sirius sighed. "I wouldn't do that."

"Is it about that not-a-werewolf-friend of yours? Did you write that article as a joke?" Regulus smirked.

"No!"

Regulus didn't seem sure if Sirius was being serious. He studied him with a quite blank expression, probably trying to figure out what he possibly could have done. What would Regulus think if Sirius told him the truth? Maybe it wasn't the best sign for Regulu's character, but Sirius felt like he would have been able to understand. But maybe that wasn't true. Maybe Regulus would be horrified. And besides, Sirius couldn't tell him anything. It would be difficult to tell the story since he had to leave out everything Remus-related.

"I'm just getting extremely curious over here," Regulus teased.

"I'm not telling you, okay?" said Sirius. He cleared his throat. "I just think they are being unfair. They won't even hear my side of it."

"Maybe talk to them again?"

"They don't want to talk to me."

"Well, make them listen."

The muffled sound of happy voices carrying up from the first floor interrupted them. Sirius could hear jingeling of coat hangers and the thumping of winter boots being dumped onto the floor.

"We better get down," said Regulus. Sirius grimaced as they both got up from the bed and left the room.

At the top of the stairs Sirius could glimpse fancy coats and expensive jewelry. The hall was packed with aunts and uncles, cousins and second cousins. The Malfoys, the Lestranges, the Selwyns … He caught sight of Bella, taking of her wet black coat and shaking out the snow from her thick brown locks.

He braced himself before leaving the safety of the upper floor.

Sirius the Murderer. This was where he belonged.

* * *

Leaned back on the sofa, Sirius took another sip of his butterbeer. Regulus, sitting at the opposite side, kept fighting Sirius' legs for the space in the middle. The living room was filled with empty cups and plates. Faint voices from the last guests getting ready to leave traveled from the hall.

It hadn't been as bad as Sirius had thought. Boring, sure, but doable. No one had paid him too much attention. He had had a minor heart attack at one point when he saw Bella talking to his parents, but no one had stormed in to scream at him yet. He had actually had quite a good time with Regulus, avoiding all annoying ladies over 55 telling them they had gotten taller.

"So you would really stand by as You-Know-Who murdered every muggle in existence?" Sirius wanted to know, continuing their conversation.

"No one is going to kill all the muggles, Sirius," said Regulus. "As long as they mind their own business, no one gives a shit."

"I'm not sure everyone agrees with that. I'm not sure _You-Know-Who_ agrees with that."

"It's not like he's going to go out of his way to kill every last muggle." Regulus sat up straighter, giving Sirius legs more space. "Look, people are going to get hurt. _But it's worth it_. Why do we deserve to hide, when muggles go wherever they want and do whatever they want? We're stacked away like we're second class citizens. We can't dress as we like, we can't talk about what we like. We always have to look out, always be on guard to make sure we don't give ourselves away. How is that fair? That it's not a very relaxing life. There's one, _one_ , all-wizarding village in all of Great Britain. Muggles have whole cities. Our house is hidden for Merlin's sake, Sirius! Children can't even play on toy brooms in their own backyards. " Regulus sounded genuinely upset over the fact.

Sirius stared at him, his bottle of butterbeer balanced on his leg. He had heard that a million times before. He had heard every form of argument under the sun as his family ranted about muggles. He'd always brushed all of it aside, not even bothering to consider anything they were saying. But now, it suddenly didn't sound so stupid. It was actually a valid point. He immediately felt guilty for even thinking it. "But it's for our protection…" he protested.

The law which forbade wizards from revealing themselves to the muggle society had been drafted at the end of the seventeenth century. Muggles had been hunting wizards and witches for centuries; imprisoning them, drowning them, buring them alive. Whatever they could think of. Before the law was put in place, wizards had already started to hide their true identities from muggles, but they were constantly afraid of being found out. Muggles knew wizards existed, so they didn't give up for anything. The children were most exposed. They couldn't hide their powers as well as adults, and muggles slaughtered a lot of them. The law was created to protect them. The wizarding society would go into oblivion, and that way wizards and witches could be safe. Today muggles thought magic wasn't real and that they'd just had some superstitious ancestors.

Regulus huffed. "That's not a good reason. What, so the muggles murder us and just gets away with it? Instead _we_ had to change, we had to hide. That's not right. If they hurt us they should be punished. Not us."

"That's true…" Sirius mumbled.

"And that was _hundreds_ of years ago. And in all that time the Ministry has done nothing to take back our rights. They're cowards."

"Maybe they think it still isn't safe."

Regulus laughed joylessly. "If you believe that, that means you think muggles would start to kill us again if they got the chance. Huh? Then I don't understand how you can be on their side."

"I'm not on their side."

"We'll you're standing up for them. You're standing up for the people who would stab you in the back if they got the chance."

"Not all muggles are like that. There are tons of muggles who know about the wizarding world. As you can see none of them has started a genocide."

"No, not everyone. But as a pack. They are afraid of us. They envy us. But if you don't think they would attack us, then why hasn't the ministry changed the law? Then they have nothing to fear."

"I don't know…"

"And that's why the war is necessary. The Ministry is doing nothing. They've never done anything. So we need to take the matter into our own hands."

"But you've heard the rumours. Hell, we've both heard Bella talk about him." Sirius sat up straighter too, leaning forward. You-Know-Who detests muggles. He doesn't want equality, he wants to squish them. Do you really think they deserve that? _These_ muggles didn't hurt any of us. You can't blame them for what their ancestors did."

Their eyes were locked together. "No," said Regulus slowly after a moment. "I don't think they deserve to die. To be honest, I don't like how bloodthirsty some people are."

Sirius didn't know what to say. He had to fight a little smile. Regulus was better than he thought.

The doors to the living room behind Sirius suddenly swung open with a audible pop. Remus looked away and Sirius took another sip of his butterbeer.

"Sirius." His father had stopped in front of the couch. "Your mother and I want to talk to you."

Sirius waited a second before looking at his father. He was still wearing his black dress robes from the party, although the smile he'd been carrying with it was completely gone. Sirus' heart made a little jolt in his chest. If Bella had talked after all...

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Come with me."

"Why?"

His father's eyebrows furrowed dangerously "I said come with me."

Sirius could feel Regulus glancing at him as he stood up. He followed his father through the door and into the dining room, Regulus not far behind him. In the dining room. someone had cleaned up all the plates and put away the food. A simpler green tablecloth now ran across the middle of the table.

Their mother was sitting at a chair at the head of the far end of the room. "Sit down," she demanded.

With all eyes on him, Sirius pulled out a chair and sat down at the very edge of it.

"Regulus, you too." Her tone was gentler when she spoke to him.

Sirius frowned and looked back at Regulus as he pulled out the chair behind Sirius and sat down. What had he done? He looked back at his mother. "Wha-"

"Quiet," his father interrupted.

Sirius glanced at his father standing next to his chair, like he was guarding him, making sure he didn't leave the room.

"You get one chance to tell me the truth," said his mother.

Yes, Bella had definitely talked. Sirius' heart had begun to beat faster.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

His mother didn't answer at first. Her dark eyes pierced him with such intensity it looked as she was trying to read his mind. "What do you think you are up to?"

"What?"

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about."

"I really don't," he said in a challenging tone, staring back at her.

His mother nodded slightly, as agreeing with something only she could hear. "You never stop," she said slowly. "You never stop dragging our name through the mud. I don't know what you hope to achieve with this trick of yours, but it ends now.

"What trick?"

"Quiet. Don't think for a second we believe you. You try to... to ridicule your brother, or whatever it is you're doing. You pretend you're like us when you've never been anything but a blood traitor."

Sirius felt a heated buzz in his chest. The comment stung, even though it shouldn't. There was nothing wrong with being their so called blood traitor. On the contrary, it meant you weren't a narrow-minded ashole. But he had heard that word uttered with disgust his whole life, and he couldn't help to feel offended.

" _And_ _then_ , I hear that this boy they wrote about in the paper - that he is a friend of yours," she continued.

Sirius frowned. "What boy?"

"The werewolf."

Sirius blinked, a sinking feeling in his stomach. The fact that he had lied to Regulus didn't seem like such a problem anymore. If they found out he had knowingly spent time with a werewolf he was done for. There was probably no greater crime. Compared to that, loving muggles was nothing. Sirius swallowed. "That's not true."

"He is not a friend of yours or he is not a werewolf?"

"He's not a werewolf."

His mother huffed. "God help you if he is. It makes me sick just thinking about it..." She looked him up and down, shaking her head slightly. "I don't understand what we did wrong with you."

"You don't know?" said Sirius quietly.

"Quiet."

"Maybe you could have tried to be, _just a little_ -"

"Quiet!"

"All I've did was disagree with yo-"

"Quiet!" his mother yelled, slapping her hand against the table.

"Why?" Sirius snapped, rising from his seat. " _Why_ can't I speak? What are you afraid of?" He huffed. "You've never wanted children. You want someone to obey you. To worship you. Someone to control-"

A heavy hand landed on Sirius' shoulder, pushing him down. "Sit down!" his father hissed right next to Sirius' ear, his warm breath tickling his neck, almost making him squirm. Sirius tried to shake it off the best he could but yielded under the pressure and sank back in his seat.

"Do you see yourself like some kind of a rebel? A hero?" His mother's voice was low. "I don't see anything honorable in lying to your family and consort with abominations."

"You're wrong," said Sirius.

Her eyebrows shot up. "You think it is honorable?"

"I didn't do those things."

She stared at him."No?"

She stood up, turned around and opened one of the glass doors to the wooden cabinets behind her. She reached her hand inside and retrieved it, gripping a tiny bottle. Sitting down again, she pushed it across the table towards Sirius. He picked it up and held it in his palm, the glass cool against his skin. The liquid inside was clear as water. Sirius tilted the bottle slightly from side to side. There was no label on it. He looked up at his mother.

"Drink," she demanded.

Sirius laughed contemptuously. "No."

"Drink it and I'll believe you."

Sirius gave the bottle a second glance. He began to suspect what he was holding. He swallowed. "What is it?"

"Drink"

"No."

"I thought you weren't a liar. If you're telling the truth there shouldn't be a problem."

Sirius stared at her in astonishment. She couldn't be serious. Truth serums were illegal. They weren't even allowed to be used in court. He looked at his parents. He knew it was stupid, but a fear he wouldn't be able to leave the room before that bottle was empty sneaked up on him. But not even they would go that far, would they?

"It's illegal," said Sirius. No one answered. "You're mad because I break your little house rules, but you're breaking the law!" His parents didn't say anything. They didn't seem very bothered by that fact. _Do as I say, not as I do, right?_ Sirius thought virulently. He stood up. "You can believe what you want. I'm going to bed."

Without another look at his family, Sirius made his way across the dining room. The feeling of relief increased with every step he took. This definitely proved him a liar in their eyes, but it was a thousand times better than if he had taken the serum. This had been his only possible course of action. They still didn't have any definite proof he was-

Sirius' heart jumped when something grabbed him from behind, dragging him back inside the room. He hissed and kicked, twisting in his father's arms like crazy. He couldn't get loose. Then his mother was next to them, grabbing ahold of his jaw and forcing his mouth open, pouring some of the bottle's content down his throat. Sirius choked as the liquid hit his windpipe. The arms around him loosened and Sirius stumbled into the wall in a fit of coughing. When he looked up, his parents towered over him, cornering him against the wall. Regulus had shot up from his chair, staring at the scene with wide eyes.

 _This can't be happening. Not even they would-_

"Did you tell Regulus you support the Dark Lord?"

"Yes," Sirius breathed out.

"Was that a lie?"

Sirius eyes darted between his parents. "Yes."

It was a horrible sinking feeling, losing control of his body. He had spoken without any intention to do so, it had just slipped out of him so effortlessly. He was not really aware he had even opened his mouth. His body felt hot, heart hammering in his chest. _They had actually-_ I felt so degrading. They could ask him anything, poke around as much as they wanted. Every secret, everything embarrassing, everything he wanted to keep to himself; it was all on display.

His mother and father shared a glance. "Why did you lie?"

"I wanted to spy on Voldemort."Sirius could almost feel his cheeks blush. It was the absolute least thing he should be worried about, but he heard what a complete moron he sounded like.

"Why?"

"Because I want him defeated."

His father huffed. "You thought a teenage boy would bring down the Dark Lord?"

"And your friend?" said his mother. "What was his name…?" she turned to Regulus.

It took a moment for Regulus to react, like he had to snap out of a dream."Remus Lupin."

"Remus Lupin," she repeated. "Is he a werewolf?"

 _No. No, no, no, no-_

"Yes."

The change on his mother's face was instant; scrunching up in a ugly grimace she looked utterly repulsed by the idea. "How dare you!" she yelled. "How dare you! Filthy blood traitor!" She slashed her wand through the air. An almost colourless ray shot out from its tip and hit Sirius in the face. It felt as if she had slapped him, the impact flinging his head to the side. Automatically Sirius cowered and put his hand over his already throbbing cheek.

""...our own son! We raised you under our own roof... "

Sirius stood frozen for a moment, watching his mother scream her lungs out. Then it was as if he suddenly came back to life. In one rapid movement he'd reached inside his robes and pulled out his wand. "Get away from me!" he hissed, taking a few steps to his side, away from his parents. He needed to get the hell out of there. They were blocking the way, the doorway behind them.

"Put it down," his father ordered him. He looked furious.

"You're crazy," said Sirius. "I just thought you were awful human beings, but you…" he shook his head, letting out a joyless laugh. "You're actually completely insane."

"Put. It. Down."

They seemed so convinced he wouldn't use it. None of them had raised their own wands. If they'd been normal parents they'd thought he would never do it because civilized people didn't go around curing each other. But they didn't mind cursing Sirius, so that was not it. They were just so fucking sure they had him in their pocket. He would have loved to show them wrong. They'd deserve it. But he was not like them.

"Get out of my way," Sirius demanded.

Heated anger flashed in their eyes. It drove them nuts he talked to them that way. In their eyes he had sinned. And he needed to pay. He needed to beg. He needed to beg on his knees to even begin to hope to earn their forgiveness.

"You put that down!" his mother hissed, stepping closer.

"No."

"Do you think you can talk to us that way? To me? You will pay for this, I promise you."

"Then why would I let down my wand?" Sirius wanted to know.

His mother sneered. "Don't get smart with me! You behave like an animal. Your disgusting, filthy-"

Sirius spit her in the face.

A sudden burst of light filled the dining room. Before Sirius was able to register where it came from, a white hot pain pierced his body. It was everywhere, digging deeper and deeper, into the very mare of his bowns. He was being burned alive. He was being torn apart. He was being torn to shreds and he could _feel_ someone pulling off limb by limb... And he screamed. He screamed and he screamed and he screamed.

The pain was gone. Sirius' thoughts spun around inside his head, trying to make sense of what was happening. It was all an unintelligible mess. He was vaguely aware of his own hitched breathing. The only thing that felt real was the pain. The echo of it cut into him, so real he could almost still feel it. Where was he? He seemed to be surrounded by a void, but he had a hard time focusing. He had been doing something... It had been important. Something… something important. He had been in the middle of something… He had been in the dining room, he suddenly remembered. At home. His parents had been there. They had been arguing. Was he still there? But he wasn't even sure that had been today. The memory seemed distant. Eventually he became aware his palms were pressing against something cold and hard. _The floor_ , he thought. But could that really be it, since it felt like his hands were facing upwards. Was he upside down? The image of himself hanging from the dining room ceiling like a bat flashed through his mind.

"That's enough!" his father's voice was saying from somewhere above. It sounded distant, like in the mist of a sleepy mind. "This ends _now_. All of it. Your shenanigans, your arrogance, your disobedience. You've disrespected this family time and time again. It. Is. Over."

Sirius wanted to speak, but he couldn't seem to find his voice. Hadn't they noticed what had happened? They must have. How could they not have? But his father was still talking like Sirius was right there.

"We have been way too soft with you. We have let you think you can do what you want. But your behaviour is completely _unacceptable_. From now on I want none of this. You are to behave _perfectly_."

There was a sharp tug at Sirius' shoulder and he was yanked upwards. Sirius blinked as his perception of reality was restored. He was on the floor in the dining room. On his knees, bent over him, was his father. He had a firm grip around Sirius' shoulder, keeping him somewhat into a sitting position. His nails dug into Sirius' skin. Only seconds must have passed.

"And you do _not_ disrespect your mother." his father finished. His face slipped in and out of focus. "Do you understand?" He shook Sirius aggressively. "Do you understand?!"

Sirius opened his mouth in an attempt to speak, but not a word passed his lips. Something was off about his father. Really off. He always looked displeased when he laid eyes on Sirius, but he had never looked at him like this. Something about him reminded Sirius of a ticking bomb.

"Do you understand? _Crucio!"_

In an instant, the pain consumed Sirius. He couldn't see. He could hear nothing but his own scream. He was burning, bleeding. Knives were cutting into him-

Sirius was laying on his back, staring up at the blurry, dark blue ceiling above him. His jaw trembled uncontrollably, his breath uneven and shallow. He wanted to throw up. _Oh god_. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. With great effort he turned onto his side and heaved himself up. His whole body shook violently in protest. The world spun. He managed to grab onto the edge of the dining table for support.

The curse had sent him further down the dining room. His mother and father were standing a couple of feet away. Regulus stood pressed up against one of the dining table chairs. Their eyes met. Sirius didn't know what to do. His thoughts were racing, but at the same time his mind seemed empty. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. Because if it was real it meant-

"Apologise," said his father.

Sirius stared at them.

" _Apologise_."

 _For what_ , it echoed inside Sirius' head. _What did I do? Please tell me what I did to deserve this?_ He wanted to tell them, scream at them that they were crazy, deranged. That they could fuck off to the end of the universe. But he couldn't speak. His jaw and throat were petrified, the mare thought of bringing a sound over his lips impossible. But it didn't matter. There was no way to reason with them. _They had actually-_

 _"Crucio!"_

The words made Sirius' heart bolt. Before he could react the world disappeared, the pain over him once more. He screamed. _Please make it stop. Please just make it stop. Make it stop please I'll do anything. I'll do anything please just make it stop..._

The pain disappeared. Sirius drew his breath. He was lying face down on the floor. Out of the corner of his eye he could see someone moving towards him. He cowered against the floorboards. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please... I'm sorry." His words ended up in a choking sob.

He thought he really meant it.

"Good." His father's voice was coming from above him. "You are a _long_ way from forgiveness. But it's a start."

Sirius' heart made another jolt. "I'm sorry..." His voice sounded very weak.

There was a moment of silence. Sirius thought he heard the others mumbling. Maybe they didn't care he'd apolegised. They were insane. Maybe they would just keep going and keep going... Maybe they were going to kill him.

"Go to your room," said his father. "I don't want to look at you anymore."

Sirius wasn't quite sure how he'd made his way back to his room. He was vaguely aware of fleeting hours laying on his back in his bed, watching the cracks in the wooden ceiling. There was a ticking noise coming from the clock on the wall. Faint moonlight shone in from the window, slowly moving across the room. When Sirius eventually mustered the strength to sit up, his whole body felt stiff and his cheeks were sore and dry. With his arms hugging his legs Sirius stared blankly ahead of him in the dark.

 _I need to get out of here. Now._

He was screaming inside his head, but his body didn't want to cooperate. It took him great effort to unlatch the deadlock of his arms around his body and clumsily get out of bed. Frantically he began searching for his belongings, throwing them randomly into his trunk. What if his parents came to look for him now? What if they'd changed their mind and had decided he needed some more punishment? Maybe one of them would be waiting by the door, making sure he was sorry he'd tried to escape...

When Sirius had closed his trunk and dug out his outerwear from the wardrobe, he realised he didn't have his wand. Another frantic search of his room told him it wasn't there. He must have dropped it in the dining hall. Maybe it was still there… But that was unlikely. His parents had definitely taken it. And even if they hadn't, could he risk going down there? If they caught him...

Sirius' heartbeat picked up as he stepped out into the dark hallway. He felt so naked without his wand. With careful steps he made his way over to his brother's room and slowly cranked up the door. Regulus wasn't asleep. The moment Sirius stepped inside he caught sight of a dark shadow sitting up in the bed. The bedside lamp came to life, filling the room with a warm glow.

Sirius gently let his trunk fall to the floor. "I'm leaving," he said in a weak voice. "You should come."

"Leaving? Where?" There was something off about Regulus' voice. His face was hard set.

"Anywhere! Anywhere but here."

There was a pause before Regulus spoke again. "I'm not going."

"We can't stay here," said Sirius impatiently.

"We? There's no 'we'. I don't want anything to do with you."

Sirius stared blankly at Regulus, taking in what he was saying. "Do you really want to do this now?" he asked tiredly. Sure, he had lied, but Regulus could be mad at him later. How could he even be thinking about that now?

Regulus flipped the covers to the side and stepped out of bed, walking up to Sirius "Are you thick or something? I'm not coming with you."

Sirius stared at him. "Why the hell not? It's not fucking safe here."

Regulus huffed.

"They tortured me!" Sirius blurred out. "They fucking tortured me! What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? Have you taken a look at yourself? I'm not going. But you go ahead. Go ahead and embarrass our family even more. Like you always do. I can't believe I thought you-" He shook his head.

"What happens when _you_ do something wrong, huh?" Sirius wanted to know, staring Regulus down. "When you step out of line?"

"Don't act so tough," Regulus sneered. "I've seen you cry like a little girl. " _I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry_."

It felt as though he had been punched in the gut. Whatever Sirius had intended to say died in his throat. He stared at his brother, standing there in his striped pyjamas pants, and wondered how he had ever liked him.

"I really do hope they hurt you too," said Sirius quietly. With that he took his trunk and left the room.

His heartbeat was thumping heavily in his ears as he made his way down the staircase. There was no one in the dark hall and Sirius pried up the door as fast as possible, stepping out into the night to never come back.


	17. The Hearing (Remus)

**17\. The Hearing (Remus)**

Remus wasn't sure what he had expected, maybe some kind of interrogation room, but not this claustrophobic office. Bookcases climbed the walls on three sides all the way up to the high ceiling. A small window on the only empty wall let in some natural light. Almost the whole floor space was taken up by a chunky oak desk, the two minister officials sitting behind it.

"So, Mr Lupin," said the man, something in his voice revealing he thought simply uttering Remus' name was below his dignity. In his chair, he shuffled closer to the desk, looking Remus straight in the eyes. "Let's just cut to the chase. I've had a long day, and I really _really_ don't have any patience right now. I'll make this really simple for you: Are you a werewolf?"

Remus almost jerked at the sound of the word. The woman sitting next to the man, casually leaned back in her chair, eyed Remus with narrowed eyes. He hadn't expected them to be so straight forward. He could just deny it. What was the catch?

"Frankly," the man continued. "If it's up to me, and it is, I don't care if I have to lock you up to the next full moon to find out. You can rot in a cell for all I care. So, I'll only ask you this one more time: Are you a werewolf?"

Remus swallowed, his eyes darting between the two officials with a beating heart. "Yes," he got out eventually.

"Okay, good." The man sat up straighter, now sounding more business-like. "We will of course demand the immediate submitting of your wand. You'll be expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with immediate effect." He flipped through the papers in front of him. "I'm not sure exactly how long sentence in Azkaban you'll get. I'll look into that. Was there something else...? Yes... We'll need you to sign here..." He fished out a paper from his pile and lay in on the desk in front of Remus.

Remus didn't move a muscle, his eyes glued to the man. Expelled from Hogwarts. Banished from the Wizarding World. Azkaban. They couldn't just- "You have to have a trial," he got out.

"No," said the man simply. "Just sign the paper. It's an official admission of your... condition."

Remus glanced at the paper.

"You can't just give me a sentence without a trial," Remus repeated

"Don't you tell us how things work around here," said the woman cooly.

"You know kid, we're trying to fight a war here," sneered the man. "We have more important things to do than to clean up after you werewolf scum. Now sign the paper!" When Remus didn't move he continued. "Do you want to get a longer sentence? I can do that for you. Every second you wait is another year. How about that?"

The office became silent. With all eyes on him, Remus signed the paper with shaky hands.

* * *

It had rained when Remus had arrived in London for Christmas break. The snow must have mented away, or maybe there had never been any to begin with. His parents had picked him up from the station. In the car, Remus had gotten the whole backseat to himself. He'd stared out the window as the car drove through London, grey houses and cars swishing by. A few droplets of rain had hit the car window. No one had said anything, the total silence piercing through Remus' skin.

"Is it true?" The question had suddenly slipped out of Remus, surprising even himself.

In the front seat, Lyall had frozen up. It had felt as if though an infinity passed before he answered. "Yes."

Deep down, no matter how much Remus had tried to convince himself otherwise, that was what he had expected. He'd realised that in that moment. But it still changed everything.

"Remus, I'm so-"

"No, don't." Remus had closed his eyes. "Don't. I don't want to hear it."

Lyall went quiet. The soft purr of the car's motor filled the silence. Remus looked out the window again. He kept his gaze at the droplets sliding across the glass, leaving a trail of water behind. The pavement was now sprinkled with dark dottes, and pedestrians had begun to hurry their steps. A woman in a pink coat was taking out her umbrella. Remus felt tears burning behind his eyelids and he had to focus all his energy on not crying. There was something breaking inside of him.

It was true. It was all true. The man he had trusted his whole life had been a fraud all along. How hard had he had to fight the impulse to just not put out five year old Remus in the forest to die? How long had it taken him to get over his disgust? Years? A decade? Maybe he still hadn't. Maybe he still struggled giving Remus a hug. The night of the attack, when Remus had been crying, inconsolable and terrified in his mother's arms, Lyall must have looked down on him and felt really sorry for himself. Remus felt sick.

"Remus," Lyall said again. Remus kept staring out the window. He wanted to tell his father to shut up, but he was sure if he spoke he wouldn't be able to stop the tears. "I meant what I said about Greyback. I _meant_ it. Back then. But I don't anymore. I was wrong. I realised that the moment you were bitten." He made a slight pause. "I promise you I've never thought that about you, or about any other werewolf ever since. I love you."

Remus breathed in, trying to take in what he was saying. "You lied to me."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"I've gone my entire life thinking you were some kind of hero. But you didn't save me. It was your fault!"

"I know."

' _I know'_. Was that all he had to say? If it wasn't for him, Remus would never have had to suffer.

"Were you ever going to tell me the truth?"

"Yes."

"When?"

Lyall didn't seem to have an answer.

"Did you tell Hope?"

There was another pause. In the front seat, Hope shifted uncomfortably. She turned to look at Remus. "He told me."

Remus looked away. It felt degrading. Both of his parents had known the truth about him while he had been completely oblivious. Another thought struk Remus. "Does Dumbledore know?"

Lyall was silent for a moment. "I don't know."

"I think he does," Remus decided.

Dumbledore had told Remus his spies had overheard Greyback bragging. Why would Greyback not have been telling the whole truth? Of course he would have wanted to impress everyone with his clever revenge plan. Remus felt so _betrayed_. Everyone he'd trusted seemed to stab him in the back. Sirius. His father, mother. Dumbledore.

"I didn't tell you because I was afraid what you would think of me," said Lyall.

"Don't you think you _at least_ owed me the truth?"

"... yes"

"But you didn't tell me - just so you didn't have to suffer. I suffer every day." Remus drew a sharp breath, silent tears spilling from his eyes. "You are selfish. _You_ will never have to be a werewolf."

"I would take your place if I could." Lyall's words weren't more than a whisper. Remus couldn't see his face, but it sounded like he was crying.

Remus swallowed. Was that supposed to make him feel better? It was just empty words. His father could never take his place.

 _But he does care about you_ , a little voice said inside his head. _He doesn't hate you - he loves you._ Yes, he did, but that wasn't enough - that didn't excuse the years and years of pain and isolation and humiliation. It was just like Sirius all over again - Lyall couldn't just wawe around with his promise of good intentions and think it was all okay. Good intentions weren't enough. He had damaged Remus beyond repair and he could never make up for that.

The rest of the car ride was spent in total silence. When they got home, Remus locked himself in his room, not leaving it if he could hear the muffled voices of his parents coming from somewhere inside the house. Early mornings he would sometimes sneak outside, just to walk around aimlessly for hours. He never dared to go into the kitchen and his mother kept leaving food by his door.

The day after the letter had arrived, Remus had gone to James' house. That's when he had found Sirius with a cup of tea in the Potter's kitchen, making Remus stop dead in the doorway. Sirius hadn't even looked startled, he had just eyed Remus with a tired gaze.

"Remus..." James had begun behind Remus, at least having the decency to sound embarrassed.

Remus had swung around. "What is he doing here?"

"It's… he-"

"Are you two friends again?"

"Yes," said James hesitantly. "But that's-"

"He ruined my life," Remus snapped.

"Ruined your life…" Sirius had huffed.

Remus had turned back around to look at Sirius. "Excuse me?"

"Aren't you exaggerating a little bit?" said Sirius, his eyes fastened on the tea bag he kept dipping into his already too well brewed tea. "Yeah, maybe you have problems," he continued, looking up just then. "But it's not the fucking end of the world."

Wide eyed, Remus stared at Sirius.

"He didn't mean that," James cut in.

Remus held up his hand to silence him, his gaze glued on Sirius. "I think he did." For a moment they just stood like that, eyes locked together, then Remus turned around on the spot and hurried towards the front door.

"Remus!" He could hear James coming after him.

"Leave me alone," Remus mumbled, trying to find his shoes in the dark hall.

"Remus, look- I know what you think, but… It's not like that."

Remus turned to James. "Yeah?"

"Sirius… he's not being himself."

"I can't believe you're taking his side."

"I'm not taking his side."

"Then what is he doing here? He was going to make me a murderer, it's his fault everyone knows I'm a werewolf... And I'm actually going to Azkaban! But you've got your best friend back so who cares?"

James stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

Remus tried to catch his breath. "I got a letter. From the Ministry. They want to interrogate me. Because of Skeeter's article. Because of Sirius."

"Shit."

"Why is he here?"

"It's a long story."

Remus raised an eyebrow, waiting.

"It's…" James said sheepishly. "It's just a long story..."

"You said that already. What happened? He got bored of his family?" When James didn't answer he added: "Is that all it takes? Sirius wiggles his finger and you come running? I thought- " His voice failed him "I thought you cared."

"I care!"

" _Then what is Sirius doing here?_ "

James had no answer.

"You sure know how to pick your friends," Remus had told him before he'd stepped out of the house, letting the door slam shut behind him.

* * *

"Mr Lupin, after you."

The woman was waiting by the open door, gesturing. Like in a dream, Remus stood up.

He had told his parents to stay at home. Now he regretted that.

"This way," said the woman.

Remus stood still. "Where are we going?"

"Come with me."

"Where are we going?"

"I said-"

"Remus!" A clear voice interrupted them. Remus head shot up, laying eyes on no other than Albus Dumbledore standing in the open doorway. Dumbledore, dressen in light blue robes, gave Remus a huge smile. "Just who I was looking for."

"Mr Dumbledore," the woman said immediately.

"Magel," Dumbledore answered politely. The woman, whose name must have been Magel, looked surprised. "I wanted to speak with Remus."

"Not at the moment, sir-" said Magle.

"Why not?" Dumbledore tilted his head to the side.

"We were just on our way."

"I'm sure you have time for a small chat."

"No we do not," the man called out loudly from the desk.

Dumbledore ignored him. "How do you do, Remus?"

"I'm sorry, sir-" Magle began again.

"I was speaking to Remus," Dumbledore interrupted mildly.

It felt as though Remus' tongue was glued in his mouth. "They're not giving me a trial," he eventually got out, the words merely more than a whisper.

Something seemed to flash behind Dumbledore's half moon spectacles. "Are they now?" he said quietly.

Despite the women's protests, Dumbledore walked into the room and sat down in a pink puffy armchair he just conjured. Remus sank down in his own seat again.

"It's already been settled," said the man in a measured tone.

"I'm sure with all the time you've saved by not having a trial, you won't mind if I take a look," said Dumbledore cheerfully.

After eying Dumbledore for a long time, the man roughly pushed a paper across the desk. Remus watched Dumbledore's eyes go from side to side as he silently read it. The man tapped his nails against the hard surface of the desk. Dumbledore brought down the paper.

"The Ministry does not hold the power to expel a student from Hogwarts " said Dumbledore.

Remus let out a shaky breath.

The man let his hand fall still. "Lupin is a threat to Hogwarts."

"No," said Dumbledore simply.

"I heard two boys were attacked."

"I heard differently," said Dumbledore calmly. "I assume you wouldn't base anything in Remus' sentence on a rumour. Of course, you are very welcome to investigate."

The man and woman shared a glance. Baffled, Remus stared at his headmaster flat out lying. What if they questioned Snape? If they forced James to show his scars… Was Dumbledore counting on them not wanting to waste that much time on him?

With a forced smile on his lips, the man then leaned closer in his seat. "You know, now that you are here, Dumbledore, why don't we talk about how you allowed a werewolf into your school, and put all of your students in danger?"

"Firstly, as we just discussed Remus is not a danger." Dumbledore gave them a polite smile. "Secondly," he then went on as that settled the matter. "I was wondering where it states an unregistered werewolf shall be banished from the Wizarding World?" The man stared at Dumbledore in silence. "The absolute worst thing you can do is to exile Remus," Dumbledore continued.

"Is that so?"

"Maybe you have noticed minorities like werewolves are turning to Voldemort."

Remus, the man and the woman all jerked at the sound of the name.

"And that's why we _shouldn't_ ban your werewolf?" the man asked ironically.

"Why on earth would you punish Remus for something someone else did?" Dumbledore's tone was innocent, giving the impression he thought it was nothing more than a simple misunderstanding. "Werewolves turn to Voldemort because you have given them no other choice. You have alienated them. They are poor, starving. They have no homes, no jobs, no education. What are they supposed to do when you won't help them? Remus is a part of our world. He has family and friends, he goes to school - a talented student, I might add. He'll be a productive member of society." Dumbledore made a slight pause. "I advise you not to give Voldemort another soldier.

"Okay… that's-"

"Also," Dumbledore continued, talking over the man. "Remus was four years old when he was bitten. Was he expected to have the knowledge or means to get into the city and report himself?

"No, but it has been more than 10 years since-"

"What about when he was five?" Dumbledore interrupted.

"What?"

"Do you expect him to have reported himself when he was five?"

"No."

"Six?"

"No…"

"Seven?"

The man leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Eight? Nine? Ten?"

"I get your point," the man cut in. "But he's not ten anymore, is he?"

"When Remus was old enough he had been unregistered for years. Imagine the welcome he had gotten if he'd walked into the ministry and tried to explain the situation. With the treatment he got today, I'm not surprised he was hesitant to do it."

"But he wasn't hesitant, was he? He never did register. He is almost of age."

"He is 16."

"Basically 17."

"I think if you look in his files, you will find that he is 16."

"Are you saying a 16-year old can't take responsibility?" the man sneered.

"Remus Lupin is underage and should be treated as such. I have never heard of any underage wizard who was put in Azkaban. Have you?"

"There's always a first," the man scoffed.

"I would be careful if I were you," Dumbledore cut in mildly. "That's not a reason you want to cite."

The man pursed his lip, staring at Dumbledore long and hard. He began looking through the papers in front of him again, holding a whispering conversation with his colleague.

"His parents," the man eventually said, when he and the woman parted heads. "They had a responsibility to register Lupin, which they failed to do."

"Remus' mother is muggle," said Dumbledore. "She is not a citizen. She belongs to the muggle society. You can't hold her to our laws when she doesn't even get the right to vote."

"The father is a wizard."

"Yes."

"He was obliged to register his son," said the man as he began to scribble something down. The woman gave Dumbledore a challenging look as if she dared him to talk himself out of that one. "He broke the law when he didn't."

"Yes he did." Dumbledore crossed his hands in his lap and gave the man a patient look. "The law states an unregistration of a werewolf is punished with a limited time in Azkaban."

Frozen, Remus stared as Dumbledore handed over his father without further ado, listening with half an ear to Dumbledore and the two minister officials sorting out the details. Lyall would get 2 years in Azkaban. Two years. Eventually they all stopped talking and Dumbledore guided Remus out of the office, down a bunch of stairs and out the Ministry with a light hand on his back. He didn't stop until they were quite a few streets away.

"I'm sorry, Remus," said Dumbledore quietly when they did stop. "I wouldn't have been able to save your father."

It had begun raining and the two of them were standing close together under a hugh, bright yellow umbrella Dumbledore had taken out.

With a lump in his throat, Remus gave a stiff nod.

"This is what he wants," Dumbledore continued.

"Have you talked to him?"

"Yes. Above all else he wanted you and your mother safe. He was very clear on that."

Remus met Dumbledore's piercing blue gaze. "Will I be able to see him?"

"In Azkaban? I'm afraid not. They don't let visitors out there."

"I meant before. Before they take him," Remus mumbled.

"I don't know."

"Why didn't they give me a trial? Can they do that?"

"Not really. But no one will stop them. The orders come from high up. Barty Crouch," Dumbledore added when Remus gave him an uncomprehending look. "He's hardening laws in his eagerness to catch Death Eaters. Hardening or disregarding. Your father is not the only one he will be putting in Azkaban without a trial."

Remus bit on his bottom lip, his eyes studying the grey dirty pavement. _Lyall was going to Azkaban_. Two years of constant torture - because that's what the prison was. Punished for trying to protect Remus, voluntarily taking the blame to protect him and Hope.

And still, a part of Remus felt he deserved it.

Above their heads, rain smattered against the yellow fabric.


End file.
